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things fall apart, again
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 736307" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Dearest Acacia, how we all need to cherish the time we have left on this earth, to learn to value and respect ourselves enough to not allow anyone to tread on our hearts. Not even these children we raised. You are not the only one who thinks this way. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. My thoughts sometimes go back to the time when I first made my eldest leave our home. It was not a pretty site. Reality is, our relationship had been deteriorating for some time, there was a huge lack of respect and crossing boundaries, refusal to follow house rules. In the stages of grief, this is called bargaining. “If I had done this.....”</p><p>Truth is, our kids will grow up and choose their paths. I have a friend who has adult children who are doing well, but have no contact with her. She calls them her ”ungratefuls”.</p><p>My two rarely contact me. I haven’t heard from Tornado in a year. It’s probably because I won’t give in to their wants. I broke the pattern. Although at times, my magical mind reels the tapes, when I drift into those thoughts, I pray. I pray for my two to find their potential, and I pray for strength and peace of mind.</p><p></p><p>You <em>have</em> been turning your back on someone in need- <em>yourself</em>. Bending over backwards to appease a person who abuses you, your love, takes advantage of your generosity, is abandoning yourself. Don’t see yourself through your sons eyes, or whatever happened in your childhood that paints an untrue picture of <em>who you are. </em></p><p>Self care and love<em>, </em>is different from being selfish. When we lift ourselves up with self respect, we learn to set healthy boundaries, and recognize when another person is trying to take advantage of us.</p><p>I am glad you have a therapist to help guide you. Relationship patterns are not easy to break, but it is possible, with hard work and belief that you are worth the effort.</p><p>You are.</p><p>Keep working at it. I have come to learn that it is a continuous mission, especially with our own adult kids trying to stomp on us. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Maybe look into inner child work. I believe our experiences and memories of childhood deeply effect our decisions. Our lifestyles.</p><p>We were powerless as children, but we are not now. You were strong enough to get through college, become a teacher, working with teenagers. That is tough work.</p><p>Your post is titled “Things are falling Apart” Sometimes it takes challenges and unforeseen circumstances to shake us up and redirect our lives.</p><p>Although things are not right with our children, our relationship with them, our picking the pieces up and soldiering on, battling for our own peace of mind and joy, is a testament to them, that they can live better lives.</p><p>That’s how I urge myself onward.</p><p>Be the change you wish to see, Leafy. Live well.</p><p>Prayers for healing, Acacia, not just your arm, but your heart and mind, too.</p><p> You matter.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 736307, member: 19522"] Dearest Acacia, how we all need to cherish the time we have left on this earth, to learn to value and respect ourselves enough to not allow anyone to tread on our hearts. Not even these children we raised. You are not the only one who thinks this way. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. My thoughts sometimes go back to the time when I first made my eldest leave our home. It was not a pretty site. Reality is, our relationship had been deteriorating for some time, there was a huge lack of respect and crossing boundaries, refusal to follow house rules. In the stages of grief, this is called bargaining. “If I had done this.....” Truth is, our kids will grow up and choose their paths. I have a friend who has adult children who are doing well, but have no contact with her. She calls them her ”ungratefuls”. My two rarely contact me. I haven’t heard from Tornado in a year. It’s probably because I won’t give in to their wants. I broke the pattern. Although at times, my magical mind reels the tapes, when I drift into those thoughts, I pray. I pray for my two to find their potential, and I pray for strength and peace of mind. You [I]have[/I] been turning your back on someone in need- [I]yourself[/I]. Bending over backwards to appease a person who abuses you, your love, takes advantage of your generosity, is abandoning yourself. Don’t see yourself through your sons eyes, or whatever happened in your childhood that paints an untrue picture of [I]who you are. [/I] Self care and love[I], [/I]is different from being selfish. When we lift ourselves up with self respect, we learn to set healthy boundaries, and recognize when another person is trying to take advantage of us. I am glad you have a therapist to help guide you. Relationship patterns are not easy to break, but it is possible, with hard work and belief that you are worth the effort. You are. Keep working at it. I have come to learn that it is a continuous mission, especially with our own adult kids trying to stomp on us. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Maybe look into inner child work. I believe our experiences and memories of childhood deeply effect our decisions. Our lifestyles. We were powerless as children, but we are not now. You were strong enough to get through college, become a teacher, working with teenagers. That is tough work. Your post is titled “Things are falling Apart” Sometimes it takes challenges and unforeseen circumstances to shake us up and redirect our lives. Although things are not right with our children, our relationship with them, our picking the pieces up and soldiering on, battling for our own peace of mind and joy, is a testament to them, that they can live better lives. That’s how I urge myself onward. Be the change you wish to see, Leafy. Live well. Prayers for healing, Acacia, not just your arm, but your heart and mind, too. You matter. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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things fall apart, again
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