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Thinking of cutting off communications with difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 616382" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>What would happen if you calmly and pleasantly said, every time he did call, exactly what you expected of him? I don't mean just about the latest stuff. I mean, everything. No more empathizing. No more rescuing. What if your conversations were all about <u>your</u> expectations? I did do that with my son. He responded with a spate of verbally abusive behaviors that, finally, tore the blinders away from my eyes ~ and from my heart, too.</p><p></p><p>I suppose he must hate me, because he is ashamed, and it's easier and more convenient to blame me for whatever is the matter because that is what I taught him, for all these years, to do. But, however complex the mix of emotions, I would rather know the truth he chooses when the blinders come off. He might have taken it like a man, considered what I said, and gone from there. I just got sick of trying to pretend for and with him that anything he was doing was enough or even, appropriate.</p><p></p><p>He <u>was</u> raised better.</p><p></p><p>And the healthier I am getting, the more clearly I understand that I <u>deserve</u> better than relationships which consist of people preying on my vulnerabilities. If I want to get better, if I want things to be better, I have to see the things that are wrong, and say so. </p><p></p><p>What if, instead of feeling shame or guilt or anger when you saw your son begging on the streets, you had been able to put everything he was doing on him? What if you had said, </p><p>"You're begging on the street?!? What a poor excuse for man! If you insist on acting like someone without a shred of dignity or integrity, at least have the b**** not to do it where I have to see it."</p><p></p><p>It wasn't until I was posting the above that I realized your son is probably begging where he is so you will see him, begging.</p><p></p><p>What to hey? </p><p></p><p>That's a nasty game, isn't it.</p><p></p><p>It's like when I was telling my daughter something she didn't want to hear, and she immediately FB pictures of herself right after the beating. Something so wrong there, so manipulative and yet, so disturbing, that we fall right into a trap.</p><p></p><p>***********</p><p></p><p>I am learning, just recently, that it isn't about what the kids do or don't do. It's about acknowledging that we are feeling guilt or shame or anger over what they are doing, and not giving in to <u>our</u> emotions to justify rescuing them.</p><p></p><p>Like Recovering tells us, we need to learn to expect to sit with the feelings and not react. </p><p></p><p>That's really hard.</p><p></p><p>Again just recently, I am beginning to see my own role in all this. I am toying with the notion of believing that if I don't rescue, if I can teach myself that I truly am not responsible for what happens to the kids because I haven't done enough, or given enough, or advised well enough, they will eventually figure it out on their own. I think the next step will be that if they don't figure it out? If the behaviors escalate? I will still be able to remember not to react out of a sense of guilt or shame.</p><p></p><p>This is all pretty new to me too, Echolette.</p><p></p><p>I am glad I spoke to my son as I did. I am glad I spoke to my daughter as I did too, last Fall. Except that I feel pretty guilty and sorry and horrified, given the outcome.</p><p></p><p>Ew.</p><p></p><p>****************</p><p></p><p>Every time I do something so ultimately simple as telling the truth? I come away stronger. Again, I am not saying to blast anyone. I am just saying to state what you expect or observe. I did the same thing with my sister. Just said I wanted her to know I understood her real motives.</p><p></p><p>BOOM!</p><p></p><p>The nature of her response was no different than the nature of the response from my son. Really nasty language, ten different blames for me (laughing at the ridiculousness of my assumption, telling me she was crying, telling me I must have had a stroke, telling me she forgives me, telling me God will heal our relationship because she walks with the Lord (whereas I, of course, am going you-know-where).</p><p></p><p>All at once, I could see so clearly that none of it even had anything to do with me. </p><p></p><p>Except that it does, and I am the only one who can change it.</p><p></p><p>So I am.</p><p></p><p>The key seems to be to be sure of our truths, speak them and then, not to react to those feelings of guilty responsibility when the manipulation begins.</p><p></p><p>It's really a hard thing to do, a hard thing to sit with. But if anything is ever going to change, we have to change the patterns of the relationship. Once we can see what's wrong (which is the hardest part), then we can decide whether we value the relationship enough to try to change it, or not.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 616382, member: 17461"] What would happen if you calmly and pleasantly said, every time he did call, exactly what you expected of him? I don't mean just about the latest stuff. I mean, everything. No more empathizing. No more rescuing. What if your conversations were all about [U]your[/U] expectations? I did do that with my son. He responded with a spate of verbally abusive behaviors that, finally, tore the blinders away from my eyes ~ and from my heart, too. I suppose he must hate me, because he is ashamed, and it's easier and more convenient to blame me for whatever is the matter because that is what I taught him, for all these years, to do. But, however complex the mix of emotions, I would rather know the truth he chooses when the blinders come off. He might have taken it like a man, considered what I said, and gone from there. I just got sick of trying to pretend for and with him that anything he was doing was enough or even, appropriate. He [U]was[/U] raised better. And the healthier I am getting, the more clearly I understand that I [U]deserve[/U] better than relationships which consist of people preying on my vulnerabilities. If I want to get better, if I want things to be better, I have to see the things that are wrong, and say so. What if, instead of feeling shame or guilt or anger when you saw your son begging on the streets, you had been able to put everything he was doing on him? What if you had said, "You're begging on the street?!? What a poor excuse for man! If you insist on acting like someone without a shred of dignity or integrity, at least have the b**** not to do it where I have to see it." It wasn't until I was posting the above that I realized your son is probably begging where he is so you will see him, begging. What to hey? That's a nasty game, isn't it. It's like when I was telling my daughter something she didn't want to hear, and she immediately FB pictures of herself right after the beating. Something so wrong there, so manipulative and yet, so disturbing, that we fall right into a trap. *********** I am learning, just recently, that it isn't about what the kids do or don't do. It's about acknowledging that we are feeling guilt or shame or anger over what they are doing, and not giving in to [U]our[/U] emotions to justify rescuing them. Like Recovering tells us, we need to learn to expect to sit with the feelings and not react. That's really hard. Again just recently, I am beginning to see my own role in all this. I am toying with the notion of believing that if I don't rescue, if I can teach myself that I truly am not responsible for what happens to the kids because I haven't done enough, or given enough, or advised well enough, they will eventually figure it out on their own. I think the next step will be that if they don't figure it out? If the behaviors escalate? I will still be able to remember not to react out of a sense of guilt or shame. This is all pretty new to me too, Echolette. I am glad I spoke to my son as I did. I am glad I spoke to my daughter as I did too, last Fall. Except that I feel pretty guilty and sorry and horrified, given the outcome. Ew. **************** Every time I do something so ultimately simple as telling the truth? I come away stronger. Again, I am not saying to blast anyone. I am just saying to state what you expect or observe. I did the same thing with my sister. Just said I wanted her to know I understood her real motives. BOOM! The nature of her response was no different than the nature of the response from my son. Really nasty language, ten different blames for me (laughing at the ridiculousness of my assumption, telling me she was crying, telling me I must have had a stroke, telling me she forgives me, telling me God will heal our relationship because she walks with the Lord (whereas I, of course, am going you-know-where). All at once, I could see so clearly that none of it even had anything to do with me. Except that it does, and I am the only one who can change it. So I am. The key seems to be to be sure of our truths, speak them and then, not to react to those feelings of guilty responsibility when the manipulation begins. It's really a hard thing to do, a hard thing to sit with. But if anything is ever going to change, we have to change the patterns of the relationship. Once we can see what's wrong (which is the hardest part), then we can decide whether we value the relationship enough to try to change it, or not. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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