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Thinking of cutting off communications with difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 616393" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm not sure your response to your son has to be as black or white as cutting him off. For me I think it's a step by step different response each time which produces results. Re-training.</p><p></p><p>You paid his fines and he is now free. What exactly did you expect him to do and what are YOUR responses to what he actually did? Resentment? Anger? Disappointment? Like most of our kids, once they get what they need, they simply continue in their world............but we are wracked with fear and resentment and disappointment. As Cedar mentioned, the tough place to stay is in all of those feelings. And, when the next opportunity to help him arises, what are the feelings that emerge if we <u>don't </u>help? We often step in primarily to make the feelings WE have go away. It's hard to change an automatic response. </p><p></p><p>The hard part is responding differently to all the different scenarios that arise. You made a choice to help him and it appears now that he is not going to keep his word. That information will make you stronger the next time he needs help. You will make a different decision at that point. I would tell him how disappointed I feel at his not keeping his side of the bargain you made and how this has made an impact on you and you will not be helping anymore. Each time you respond differently you change the pattern and insist on new behavior. I think it's more a process then cutting someone off completely...........I had to stay in all of those feelings as I went through the process, it was hard, but each step makes you stronger. </p><p></p><p>As Cedar mentioned, learning how to stop enabling changes all our relationships...........we change, then everything changes as we see the truth.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 616393, member: 13542"] I'm not sure your response to your son has to be as black or white as cutting him off. For me I think it's a step by step different response each time which produces results. Re-training. You paid his fines and he is now free. What exactly did you expect him to do and what are YOUR responses to what he actually did? Resentment? Anger? Disappointment? Like most of our kids, once they get what they need, they simply continue in their world............but we are wracked with fear and resentment and disappointment. As Cedar mentioned, the tough place to stay is in all of those feelings. And, when the next opportunity to help him arises, what are the feelings that emerge if we [U]don't [/U]help? We often step in primarily to make the feelings WE have go away. It's hard to change an automatic response. The hard part is responding differently to all the different scenarios that arise. You made a choice to help him and it appears now that he is not going to keep his word. That information will make you stronger the next time he needs help. You will make a different decision at that point. I would tell him how disappointed I feel at his not keeping his side of the bargain you made and how this has made an impact on you and you will not be helping anymore. Each time you respond differently you change the pattern and insist on new behavior. I think it's more a process then cutting someone off completely...........I had to stay in all of those feelings as I went through the process, it was hard, but each step makes you stronger. As Cedar mentioned, learning how to stop enabling changes all our relationships...........we change, then everything changes as we see the truth. [/QUOTE]
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Thinking of cutting off communications with difficult child
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