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Thinking of cutting off communications with difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 617965" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>an update...although I thought after reading all your posts, and also talking it through with my SO, that it wouldn't be viable for me to have no contact, that I would suffer too much, I find that day by day I refuse contact. He calls...I don't pick up. I can't make myself. I have a revulsion against contact. He sometimes calls my SO, who takes the calls, often in front of me, and I am relieved, resentful, excited, curious, angry. I am relieved to know that for another day he is alive. I am resentful that he intruded in my day (and annoyed with SO for taking the call). I am excited because engaging is esciting, like stepping up to the batters box again. I am curious and demand to know from SO what they talked about, how he sounds, why he called, where he is living (this of course would be no data, since he lies about everything). And I am angry because I am still in this place.</p><p>Most of all, though, I am interested at my own ferocious compulsion to protect myself from direct contact. It reminds me of the primitive brain reflex against poison...animals will NOT eat something that has once made them vomit. We have that reaction too...once when I was little I got a GI virus, and the last thing I ate before I got sick was spaghetti...I couldn't make myself eat it for years, my brain and stomach screamed against it in self protection. Chemotherapy patiens sometimes throw up at the door of the chemo suite, before the drugs are even infused. I feel like that. I feel like he has been poison, and my psyche screams against ingesting any more.</p><p>It surprises me every day.</p><p>Yestarday he saw that I was on facebook, and messaged me. Hi mom. How are you today.</p><p>I didn't respond.</p><p>I can't. </p><p>I can't talk to him again now that I am so acutely aware that most of what he has said to me for the last 8 years was a lie, or an assertion or pretence of convenience. I don't know who he is. There is no there there. </p><p>I have to figure out how to deal with that before I allow contact again.</p><p>Meanwhile, if he actually GOES to the caseworker, starts work on housing, gets a shrink takes his medications, and makes a payment on the $1800 he owes me for paying his restitution and getting out of jail....well then, of course we'll talke!!! He just has to be who he says he is.</p><p>I ran into old friends on the street the other day-- parents from difficult child and his twin sister's preschool days. They asked about each of my other 3 kids by name, and told me about theirs. They didn't ask about difficult child and I didn't mention him. They must have seen him around, or heard, or maybe he called them and asked for money (he has been known to do that). Or maybe they saw him begging. I pretended he doesn't exist and so did that. That felt both very wrong, and also OK. I'm tired of talking about him.</p><p>Thats all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 617965, member: 17269"] an update...although I thought after reading all your posts, and also talking it through with my SO, that it wouldn't be viable for me to have no contact, that I would suffer too much, I find that day by day I refuse contact. He calls...I don't pick up. I can't make myself. I have a revulsion against contact. He sometimes calls my SO, who takes the calls, often in front of me, and I am relieved, resentful, excited, curious, angry. I am relieved to know that for another day he is alive. I am resentful that he intruded in my day (and annoyed with SO for taking the call). I am excited because engaging is esciting, like stepping up to the batters box again. I am curious and demand to know from SO what they talked about, how he sounds, why he called, where he is living (this of course would be no data, since he lies about everything). And I am angry because I am still in this place. Most of all, though, I am interested at my own ferocious compulsion to protect myself from direct contact. It reminds me of the primitive brain reflex against poison...animals will NOT eat something that has once made them vomit. We have that reaction too...once when I was little I got a GI virus, and the last thing I ate before I got sick was spaghetti...I couldn't make myself eat it for years, my brain and stomach screamed against it in self protection. Chemotherapy patiens sometimes throw up at the door of the chemo suite, before the drugs are even infused. I feel like that. I feel like he has been poison, and my psyche screams against ingesting any more. It surprises me every day. Yestarday he saw that I was on facebook, and messaged me. Hi mom. How are you today. I didn't respond. I can't. I can't talk to him again now that I am so acutely aware that most of what he has said to me for the last 8 years was a lie, or an assertion or pretence of convenience. I don't know who he is. There is no there there. I have to figure out how to deal with that before I allow contact again. Meanwhile, if he actually GOES to the caseworker, starts work on housing, gets a shrink takes his medications, and makes a payment on the $1800 he owes me for paying his restitution and getting out of jail....well then, of course we'll talke!!! He just has to be who he says he is. I ran into old friends on the street the other day-- parents from difficult child and his twin sister's preschool days. They asked about each of my other 3 kids by name, and told me about theirs. They didn't ask about difficult child and I didn't mention him. They must have seen him around, or heard, or maybe he called them and asked for money (he has been known to do that). Or maybe they saw him begging. I pretended he doesn't exist and so did that. That felt both very wrong, and also OK. I'm tired of talking about him. Thats all. [/QUOTE]
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