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This has been gnawing at me...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 747698" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This has happened at our house too. Unfortunately, they cross boundaries, they deflect and deny responsibility...and eventually if we do not draw boundaries and keep them, we are triggered:Then, they become the victims. And the saga continues.</p><p>This would enrage me. (All of this is written with the assumption that there is no domestic violence.) He is setting up a triangle where your husband is the perpetrator, you are the hapless and helpless victim, and he is the savior. His attention is laser focused on you and your husband as the main event, and his addiction, his role in triggering events, his dysfunction, are left in the dust.</p><p>I think the issue is not appropriateness. I think the issue is what is in your own (and secondarily his) best interests, and those of your husband.</p><p></p><p>I think your son is being destructive and is hurting you and your husband. You both offered him refuge, support and tolerance in your home over a long period.Your son set up the adversarial and out of control atmosphere that precipitated the outburst and the tension by ignoring boundaries and refusing to control his behavior and deflecting responsibility.</p><p></p><p>From what you write, your home life with your husband is tranquil and satisfying to you both. Who disrupted this? Your son. And what does he do? He throws both of you under the bus.</p><p></p><p>I would have no part of this conference. Your son is an adult entering middle age. He is not a 14 year old who is dependent upon you and your husband. Your conduct, and your husband's is not at issue here. That it was brought up as a matter of focus to me is insulting. I would be angry at my son. And I would hope I backed off, way way back.</p><p></p><p>Let him take responsibility for his stuff. Stop this cycle of his making you responsible. What he is doing is abusive and wrong.</p><p></p><p>I understand why you are making the list of resources. I would hope that you give him the list, and then back out of this. Your son has shown you over and over again that he is not handling responsibly access to your home and your life. This is one more example.</p><p>This is scary. And it sounds like a scam. The attempt to set you up, with access to your bank account, to rob money. What does your bank account have to do with him?</p><p>Nor should you.</p><p></p><p>Your household is not in treatment for addiction. Your son is. If this adult man has problems with your husband, your husband's substance use, or your relationship he needs to articulate this to you directly and/or to stay away.</p><p></p><p>These topics to me are not the central dynamic in your son's addiction or mental illness. His central dynamics are in him. And his responsibility is to deal with him, in his treatment. Not to deal with your husband, or your relationship with your husband.</p><p></p><p>I hope you draw a firm and strong boundary to keep your son away from your home, and your relationship with your husband. This current incident tells me that there is danger here for you and your husband from your son. (If there is domestic violence please contact a domestic violence program.) But there is also danger presented by false accusation. And from what you have written on this forum, your husband has tried very, very hard to give a hand to your son and to support you. I would feel very badly if your husband became collateral damage, to your son's machinations.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 747698, member: 18958"] This has happened at our house too. Unfortunately, they cross boundaries, they deflect and deny responsibility...and eventually if we do not draw boundaries and keep them, we are triggered:Then, they become the victims. And the saga continues. This would enrage me. (All of this is written with the assumption that there is no domestic violence.) He is setting up a triangle where your husband is the perpetrator, you are the hapless and helpless victim, and he is the savior. His attention is laser focused on you and your husband as the main event, and his addiction, his role in triggering events, his dysfunction, are left in the dust. I think the issue is not appropriateness. I think the issue is what is in your own (and secondarily his) best interests, and those of your husband. I think your son is being destructive and is hurting you and your husband. You both offered him refuge, support and tolerance in your home over a long period.Your son set up the adversarial and out of control atmosphere that precipitated the outburst and the tension by ignoring boundaries and refusing to control his behavior and deflecting responsibility. From what you write, your home life with your husband is tranquil and satisfying to you both. Who disrupted this? Your son. And what does he do? He throws both of you under the bus. I would have no part of this conference. Your son is an adult entering middle age. He is not a 14 year old who is dependent upon you and your husband. Your conduct, and your husband's is not at issue here. That it was brought up as a matter of focus to me is insulting. I would be angry at my son. And I would hope I backed off, way way back. Let him take responsibility for his stuff. Stop this cycle of his making you responsible. What he is doing is abusive and wrong. I understand why you are making the list of resources. I would hope that you give him the list, and then back out of this. Your son has shown you over and over again that he is not handling responsibly access to your home and your life. This is one more example. This is scary. And it sounds like a scam. The attempt to set you up, with access to your bank account, to rob money. What does your bank account have to do with him? Nor should you. Your household is not in treatment for addiction. Your son is. If this adult man has problems with your husband, your husband's substance use, or your relationship he needs to articulate this to you directly and/or to stay away. These topics to me are not the central dynamic in your son's addiction or mental illness. His central dynamics are in him. And his responsibility is to deal with him, in his treatment. Not to deal with your husband, or your relationship with your husband. I hope you draw a firm and strong boundary to keep your son away from your home, and your relationship with your husband. This current incident tells me that there is danger here for you and your husband from your son. (If there is domestic violence please contact a domestic violence program.) But there is also danger presented by false accusation. And from what you have written on this forum, your husband has tried very, very hard to give a hand to your son and to support you. I would feel very badly if your husband became collateral damage, to your son's machinations. [/QUOTE]
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