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This has been gnawing at me...
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 747728" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Laura,</p><p></p><p>Here's my take on this. </p><p>I experienced similar things when my son, myself and husband attended family counseling when my son was still living at home. My son had a very warped view of our family life and would twist things around.</p><p>One example: We as a family went to church every Sunday together. One Sunday my son refused to get out of bed. He was 11 or 12 at the time. I went to his room and pulled the covers off of him and told him it was time to get up and get dressed as there wasn't much time left to eat something before we went to church. My son cursed at me but did get up and get dressed although very slowly. By the time he was ready, there was no time for him to eat. We went to church and went out to breakfast afterwards.</p><p>During our family counseling session my son told his "version". He told the counselor that I dragged him out of bed and forced him to get dressed. He then went on to tell the counselor that his "punishment" for not getting up on time was that we denied him food.</p><p>I remember sitting there, my blood was boiling, I could not believe he was actually saying these things. It took everything in me to sit quiet. One thing I had learned from this particular counselor was that she was fair and I knew she would ask me for my side of the story. </p><p>I learned to remain calm and not fly off the handle. I knew I would have the opportunity to tell my side of things. I by no means was a perfect mother. I made plenty of mistakes. There were times I would yell at my son out of pure frustration. He knew how to push my buttons. </p><p>My husband and I met with the counselor privately without our son a few times and she explained that our son was trying to bait us into an argument. She said it's a very common tactic that children will use in a counseling session as they are trying to divert the focus off of them and onto the parents.</p><p>Something that counselor told me has always stayed with me. "You know the truth and that should be enough" She was right. </p><p></p><p>I believe your son is doing something very similar in trying to put the focus on you and your husband. It's so much easier to place blame on someone else than it is to take ownership of ones owns poor choices. </p><p>It's like they're saying "Ya, well I might make mistakes but you made me this way" </p><p>Regardless of how anyone is raised, it always comes down to the choices they make. </p><p>My son still has tried to blame me and husband and I have thrown that right back at him. I've told him that he is an adult now, that he gets to start each day new. How he chooses to live his life is up to him and that I no longer have any influence over that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are right to be suspicious of this. Doesn't sound right to me.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I've been down this road with my son before. My suggestion is to let your son rant about how the app works, or whatever it is he's trying to convince you of. Then, you tell him, thank you for the information, I will think about it. Then, when he asks if you have an answer for him, tell him, I've given it some thought and I've made the decision to not to that. </p><p>This way you have "validated" him but are also not giving into him. </p><p>If he starts to harp on it asking - demanding to know why you won't do what he wants, you simply say, this is not up for discussion and you keep repeating that simple phrase. Don't let him drag you into a debate/argument. You do not owe him any kind of explanation.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 747728, member: 18516"] Hi Laura, Here's my take on this. I experienced similar things when my son, myself and husband attended family counseling when my son was still living at home. My son had a very warped view of our family life and would twist things around. One example: We as a family went to church every Sunday together. One Sunday my son refused to get out of bed. He was 11 or 12 at the time. I went to his room and pulled the covers off of him and told him it was time to get up and get dressed as there wasn't much time left to eat something before we went to church. My son cursed at me but did get up and get dressed although very slowly. By the time he was ready, there was no time for him to eat. We went to church and went out to breakfast afterwards. During our family counseling session my son told his "version". He told the counselor that I dragged him out of bed and forced him to get dressed. He then went on to tell the counselor that his "punishment" for not getting up on time was that we denied him food. I remember sitting there, my blood was boiling, I could not believe he was actually saying these things. It took everything in me to sit quiet. One thing I had learned from this particular counselor was that she was fair and I knew she would ask me for my side of the story. I learned to remain calm and not fly off the handle. I knew I would have the opportunity to tell my side of things. I by no means was a perfect mother. I made plenty of mistakes. There were times I would yell at my son out of pure frustration. He knew how to push my buttons. My husband and I met with the counselor privately without our son a few times and she explained that our son was trying to bait us into an argument. She said it's a very common tactic that children will use in a counseling session as they are trying to divert the focus off of them and onto the parents. Something that counselor told me has always stayed with me. "You know the truth and that should be enough" She was right. I believe your son is doing something very similar in trying to put the focus on you and your husband. It's so much easier to place blame on someone else than it is to take ownership of ones owns poor choices. It's like they're saying "Ya, well I might make mistakes but you made me this way" Regardless of how anyone is raised, it always comes down to the choices they make. My son still has tried to blame me and husband and I have thrown that right back at him. I've told him that he is an adult now, that he gets to start each day new. How he chooses to live his life is up to him and that I no longer have any influence over that. You are right to be suspicious of this. Doesn't sound right to me. I've been down this road with my son before. My suggestion is to let your son rant about how the app works, or whatever it is he's trying to convince you of. Then, you tell him, thank you for the information, I will think about it. Then, when he asks if you have an answer for him, tell him, I've given it some thought and I've made the decision to not to that. This way you have "validated" him but are also not giving into him. If he starts to harp on it asking - demanding to know why you won't do what he wants, you simply say, this is not up for discussion and you keep repeating that simple phrase. Don't let him drag you into a debate/argument. You do not owe him any kind of explanation. [/QUOTE]
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