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This is a freaking soap opera
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 608472"><p>I too am sorry this is happening. We have all been there done that and can relate to feeling as though your life has been hijacked by a dramatic and demanding offspring that seems like a stranger. It's so hard especially when we know in our hearts that we did not raise them to behave like this.</p><p></p><p> It's even harder to realize that we cannot reach the beloved child within the difficult child. That was the hardest part for me - I felt that my son and I had this unbreakable bond and mutual understanding - and then it was GONE in a flash and I just couldn't get through to him. And I made myself crazy trying to do so... when your child is unreasonable due to drugs or undue influence or mental illness - you simply CANNOT reason with them. It's futile and frustrating.</p><p></p><p> So, what can you do? You need to exit this "push & pull" relationship/banter you both are locked in. You've set the standards and now is the time to hold to them. Stop repeating yourself, do not even give a hint of bargaining potential and do not mention the girlfriend at all. And do not give advice or warn about potential pitfalls. (domestic violence calls) Cut off the money for good. </p><p></p><p>Your home needs to be a drama free zone for your own sanity. These are the standards for living in your home - basically - IF he moves back in -- he gets a job or goes to school, no illegal use of substances (including alcohol if he is underage) while he is living in your home, no overnight guests, and he is respectful at all times. You can expect him to spend "x" amount of nights at your home (that was big with us - no using our home as a last resort or flop house) - in short - he acts like a part of the family and that includes responsibilities to the home and the other people living in it. Just the basics...Offer him a safe haven with guidelines. </p><p></p><p>I realize you did not have these rules with your daughters - but he is not them; he has abused the privileges and is struggling. He needs boundaries. The very fact that he is rebelling against any suggestions from you means that he is not thinking clearly for whatever reason. And lowering the bar is not going to fix it - it will just make it worse. I've been there. The bar got so low that we couldn't stand ourselves anymore and it still wasn't good enough. He will continue to react against you so long as you are engaging him. That's why you need to detach. Not because you are showing him or teaching him but because he will continue to react at you and it hinders him from taking a good hard look at himself which is what he needs to do.</p><p></p><p> As far as the living out of the home - that's OK. He has a choice. If he chooses to remain on his own, he needs to be on his own and bear the fruit of his choice. You can invite him to dinner a few nights a week (alone), pack up the leftovers and some extras before he leaves, let him throw in a few loads of laundry. You shouldn't give him money. Really. It only makes things harder. And it won't make him like you or see your point of view. </p><p></p><p>I know it's hard when our difficult child's misbehavior is tied to their choice of partner. I have been there done that too. I made the mistake of contacting the girlfriend's family out of concern and that was huge mistake. For now, pretend she doesn't exist. That's why I wrote "no overnight guests" and not "no girlfriend" above. You can change that to "no opposite sex guests" or "no guests" if that makes it more clear. She may be a bad influence, but it is your son who is acting badly. My son's girlfriend was the catalyst in many ways, but blaming her didn't help me or my son. The fact was that his behavior needed to be HIS choice - not because of HER influence or conversely - because of MY influence. Hold him accountable for his own behavior. Let the light shine on him and if he brings her up - remind him that you are talking about difficult child and not girlfriend - and it's difficult child's behavior that is the problem. In some ways, our difficult child's seem to like the idea that a parent disapproves of the partner or that the partner and parent are fighting over difficult child and it fuels the relationship and the misbehavior. So take it out of the equation if you can.</p><p></p><p> I will be thinking of you - I'm sorry this reply is so disjointed. I read your post and it reminded me of where I was with my own difficult child in the beginning and I felt I needed to answer - and I am racing the clock! Good luck, keep posting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 608472"] I too am sorry this is happening. We have all been there done that and can relate to feeling as though your life has been hijacked by a dramatic and demanding offspring that seems like a stranger. It's so hard especially when we know in our hearts that we did not raise them to behave like this. It's even harder to realize that we cannot reach the beloved child within the difficult child. That was the hardest part for me - I felt that my son and I had this unbreakable bond and mutual understanding - and then it was GONE in a flash and I just couldn't get through to him. And I made myself crazy trying to do so... when your child is unreasonable due to drugs or undue influence or mental illness - you simply CANNOT reason with them. It's futile and frustrating. So, what can you do? You need to exit this "push & pull" relationship/banter you both are locked in. You've set the standards and now is the time to hold to them. Stop repeating yourself, do not even give a hint of bargaining potential and do not mention the girlfriend at all. And do not give advice or warn about potential pitfalls. (domestic violence calls) Cut off the money for good. Your home needs to be a drama free zone for your own sanity. These are the standards for living in your home - basically - IF he moves back in -- he gets a job or goes to school, no illegal use of substances (including alcohol if he is underage) while he is living in your home, no overnight guests, and he is respectful at all times. You can expect him to spend "x" amount of nights at your home (that was big with us - no using our home as a last resort or flop house) - in short - he acts like a part of the family and that includes responsibilities to the home and the other people living in it. Just the basics...Offer him a safe haven with guidelines. I realize you did not have these rules with your daughters - but he is not them; he has abused the privileges and is struggling. He needs boundaries. The very fact that he is rebelling against any suggestions from you means that he is not thinking clearly for whatever reason. And lowering the bar is not going to fix it - it will just make it worse. I've been there. The bar got so low that we couldn't stand ourselves anymore and it still wasn't good enough. He will continue to react against you so long as you are engaging him. That's why you need to detach. Not because you are showing him or teaching him but because he will continue to react at you and it hinders him from taking a good hard look at himself which is what he needs to do. As far as the living out of the home - that's OK. He has a choice. If he chooses to remain on his own, he needs to be on his own and bear the fruit of his choice. You can invite him to dinner a few nights a week (alone), pack up the leftovers and some extras before he leaves, let him throw in a few loads of laundry. You shouldn't give him money. Really. It only makes things harder. And it won't make him like you or see your point of view. I know it's hard when our difficult child's misbehavior is tied to their choice of partner. I have been there done that too. I made the mistake of contacting the girlfriend's family out of concern and that was huge mistake. For now, pretend she doesn't exist. That's why I wrote "no overnight guests" and not "no girlfriend" above. You can change that to "no opposite sex guests" or "no guests" if that makes it more clear. She may be a bad influence, but it is your son who is acting badly. My son's girlfriend was the catalyst in many ways, but blaming her didn't help me or my son. The fact was that his behavior needed to be HIS choice - not because of HER influence or conversely - because of MY influence. Hold him accountable for his own behavior. Let the light shine on him and if he brings her up - remind him that you are talking about difficult child and not girlfriend - and it's difficult child's behavior that is the problem. In some ways, our difficult child's seem to like the idea that a parent disapproves of the partner or that the partner and parent are fighting over difficult child and it fuels the relationship and the misbehavior. So take it out of the equation if you can. I will be thinking of you - I'm sorry this reply is so disjointed. I read your post and it reminded me of where I was with my own difficult child in the beginning and I felt I needed to answer - and I am racing the clock! Good luck, keep posting. [/QUOTE]
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