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This is hard...why is this so hard?
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<blockquote data-quote="elizabrary" data-source="post: 752042" data-attributes="member: 11235"><p>Well, in my opinion you've gone above and beyond. Your son is an adult and needs to make his own way. My daughter had to learn the hard way. She struggled for years and had a baby through it all. Things are better for her now, but there were certainly some dark days in between. I guess I'm wondering why you're giving him any kind of "allowance." He should have a job and pay his own bills. When my daughter has a job and is attending school I'm much more willing to help her out because I see she is trying and I know things come up.</p><p></p><p>I spent many years working on detachment and how not to enable my daughter's poor life choices. It is very difficult because as a parent your instinct is to swoop in and make things better for your children. However, when we do for an adult something they can do themselves we are enabling poor choices which leads them to continue the bad behavior. I am pretty good at staying in my lane now and focusing on myself. You deserve peace and happiness. Your happiness and peace of mind are not dependent on the happiness and/or well-being of your adult child. Of course we feel sad when they are struggling, but that doesn't have to ruin our day or week or month or year. I can have that sad thought, then let it go with my positive energy sent out to my daughter. Then I can go back to MY life and making sure I am healthy and happy. </p><p></p><p>I truly believe had I not detached from my daughter that she would still be in her bad space. But she can be proud of all of the things that she has achieved on her own. Sometimes now when things aren't going right for her I remind her that she pulled herself out of homelessness and alcohol addiction all on her own with a child, no less. Those are probably two of the hardest things she will ever have to do and it makes whatever is going on seem unimportant in comparison. </p><p></p><p>Spend time on yourself. Learn to care for yourself and do things you enjoy. Read about detachment and enabling. Try new things and see what you like. If you're feeling down, treat yourself to a movie, a nature hike, rescue a dog (then you will have something to pour all of your love and care into), whatever you feel like doing. It takes practice to learn to deal with our adult children in a different but healthier way. Sending peace to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elizabrary, post: 752042, member: 11235"] Well, in my opinion you've gone above and beyond. Your son is an adult and needs to make his own way. My daughter had to learn the hard way. She struggled for years and had a baby through it all. Things are better for her now, but there were certainly some dark days in between. I guess I'm wondering why you're giving him any kind of "allowance." He should have a job and pay his own bills. When my daughter has a job and is attending school I'm much more willing to help her out because I see she is trying and I know things come up. I spent many years working on detachment and how not to enable my daughter's poor life choices. It is very difficult because as a parent your instinct is to swoop in and make things better for your children. However, when we do for an adult something they can do themselves we are enabling poor choices which leads them to continue the bad behavior. I am pretty good at staying in my lane now and focusing on myself. You deserve peace and happiness. Your happiness and peace of mind are not dependent on the happiness and/or well-being of your adult child. Of course we feel sad when they are struggling, but that doesn't have to ruin our day or week or month or year. I can have that sad thought, then let it go with my positive energy sent out to my daughter. Then I can go back to MY life and making sure I am healthy and happy. I truly believe had I not detached from my daughter that she would still be in her bad space. But she can be proud of all of the things that she has achieved on her own. Sometimes now when things aren't going right for her I remind her that she pulled herself out of homelessness and alcohol addiction all on her own with a child, no less. Those are probably two of the hardest things she will ever have to do and it makes whatever is going on seem unimportant in comparison. Spend time on yourself. Learn to care for yourself and do things you enjoy. Read about detachment and enabling. Try new things and see what you like. If you're feeling down, treat yourself to a movie, a nature hike, rescue a dog (then you will have something to pour all of your love and care into), whatever you feel like doing. It takes practice to learn to deal with our adult children in a different but healthier way. Sending peace to you. [/QUOTE]
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