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This is never going to end is it?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 562922" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>((((((((((hugs))))))))))</p><p></p><p>I wish that anyone could tell you that this will end and end in a good, positive, healthy and hopeful way. Generations of parents have hoped and prayed for this, and sadly we are not a whole lot closer to being able to make it happen than our grandparents' generation was. </p><p></p><p>We CAN work to make sure we react to the stress in a healthy way, and to make sure that we identify, set and maintain boundaries to protect ourselves and those loved ones who are also at the mercy of this hideous disease. This means taking tough steps, ones that are painful and horrible and that we NEVER could have imagined in those exciting hopeful days of pregnancy/adoption procedures and those days of parenting very young children. </p><p></p><p>PLEASE go to a psychiatrist or your regular doctor to see about medications that can help. Get to a therapist and drag your husband and other kids to them also. If cost is a problem, contact churches in your area and the area family crisis/domestic violence center(s). If you don't want to seek help in your community because you fear anyone knowing, then go to a nearby area. Do NOT limit yourself to the church you attend or the one representing your exact faith. Most if not all churches have programs that will help you regardless of your religious beliefs. If you don't want a 'hard sell' to convert to a religion, consider Unitarian and Episcopal churches and even some Catholic ones. I have known quite a few priests/pastors from these churches who will help while respecting your beliefs. Unitarian churches, at least the ones I have known, are especially wonderful for encouraging people to have their own beliefs and respecting the differences of faith that people have. One of the people who was incredibly helpful to me when things were really bad was a Unitarian minister, the one who married husband and I because I would not convert to his faith and because we did not want to wait months to get married as I was already pregnant. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if alanon meetings have been helpful to you. What I have heard about some of the alanon groups from members here is totally different than what I have experienced, and the groups that are different would not have been helpful to me. So if you want to try to go to meetings, try several. Different locations and times draw different groups and each has a unique dynamic though they follow the same steps. NarcAnon and Celebrate Recovery are other options that may be helpful.</p><p></p><p>Have you had a heart to heart talk with your husband about how you feel? Men express their grief, guilt and pain in very different ways than women do. Men are likely to want to be romantic in order to feel close to the person they love. Women are more likely to need to feel close before they are able to be romantic. Talking through this is one of the challenges of going through any crisis as a couple. Maybe you could figure out a halfway point.</p><p></p><p>PLEASE don't catastrophize and let yourself think that difficult child won't ever ever change. This only hurts YOU, not difficult child. My mom has often thought that it takes some people well into their mid thirties to figure out who they are, what they want to do, and to want to live a life without the drama of the streets, drugs, and similar choices. Our family history has shown this to be true. My bro was in that range, and so were several of my older cousins. Those who would get and stay clean usually didn't until they were over 30. The one cousin who is about as non-traditional in her beliefs as a person can be was in her 30s before she really settled down to build a life outside various communes and non-traditional groups. Yes, communes. </p><p></p><p>If we based the future on where we were, how we thought, our beliefs and our actions when we were 18-20whatever, I doubt that ANY of us would be where we are now. I know that I wouldn't be. Heck, if I based my idea of Wiz' future on his behavior at 14-16, he would be in prison or dead by now, and he is about to turn 21 in a few days. I have every faith that he will grow and change and that hopefully we will have a better relationship when he is older and more mature. </p><p></p><p>I hope you can get help to cope with the grief and pain. Reach out, open up, read, and talk with your husband and others. The more you keep this inside, the more it will hurt. There will always be some amt of pain, but you can find ways to learn to heal. One of the things that has always helped me was volunteering to help others. Maybe reaching out to others to help them would help you get your focus off of the pain, help you heal. This time of year there are many ways to give back, and they can be a lot of fun. Maybe get some simple craft materials and make a bunch of ornaments to take to a local senior center or soup kitchen or to a head start program. One year my mom sewed xmas stockings for every child in the Head Start program at the elem school my kids attended. We bought a few things to put into them and I was able to get donations to include with them. Each child got a nice used book (looked like new), a toy safe for kids under 3 (because many had siblings - make sure the toy and any parts that come off are not able to fit inside the cardboard tube that toilet paper comes on - easy and effective guideline), an ornament and a double-bagged playdough mix that parents just had to stir hot water into. I made the playdough mix and printed directions on pretty paper. I can give you a recipe if you want - I used kool-aid to color and scent it and had almost every parent clamoring for the recipe because it was so much fun (plus it could be baked into ornaments if they wanted!)</p><p></p><p>The first year we did this we were having a LOT of problems with Wiz and health issues and this was great therapy for us and the kids loved them. </p><p></p><p>It doesn't have to be that hard. The craft/frugal gift thread has some great ideas, as does the family fun magazine website and of course the family fun magazine. I can pass links along if you want.</p><p></p><p>I know it may sound strange, but giving back by doing volunteer work or making a simple thing to give away truly is a very effective way to help cope with a traumatic event or situation like having an addicted or ill child or other loved one. It helps you gain perspective and brings a bit of joy into your life. It doesn't have to be expensive or labor or time intensive. Maybe just make some simple paper ornaments and give them to the cashiers at the store or someone you see who is frowning or looking unhappy. One of my favorite "Jessie memories" is of the year she was five. We were going to the Children's hospital for therapy and doctor appts at least twice a week, and of course Jess and thank you came with us mostly. She and I made some simple felt mice with candy cane tails and she took two dozen with us one day and gave them to the kids, parents and staff members she saw as we walked through the hospital. She was so happy when she saw people who looked unhappy or upset start to smile as she gave them a mouse - it truly was joyful for her and gave them a happy smile too. I cherish the memory and the lesson in kindness that she gave me that day. When we got to the hospital I had NO idea she had the mice with her - we made them for her sunday school class! </p><p></p><p>I am sorry that you are hurting so badly, and I hope that your difficult child will accept and embrace help. </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry that right now he is so sick. THe man at the shelter sounds like a great person and someone who might be able to point you toward other sources of help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 562922, member: 1233"] ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) I wish that anyone could tell you that this will end and end in a good, positive, healthy and hopeful way. Generations of parents have hoped and prayed for this, and sadly we are not a whole lot closer to being able to make it happen than our grandparents' generation was. We CAN work to make sure we react to the stress in a healthy way, and to make sure that we identify, set and maintain boundaries to protect ourselves and those loved ones who are also at the mercy of this hideous disease. This means taking tough steps, ones that are painful and horrible and that we NEVER could have imagined in those exciting hopeful days of pregnancy/adoption procedures and those days of parenting very young children. PLEASE go to a psychiatrist or your regular doctor to see about medications that can help. Get to a therapist and drag your husband and other kids to them also. If cost is a problem, contact churches in your area and the area family crisis/domestic violence center(s). If you don't want to seek help in your community because you fear anyone knowing, then go to a nearby area. Do NOT limit yourself to the church you attend or the one representing your exact faith. Most if not all churches have programs that will help you regardless of your religious beliefs. If you don't want a 'hard sell' to convert to a religion, consider Unitarian and Episcopal churches and even some Catholic ones. I have known quite a few priests/pastors from these churches who will help while respecting your beliefs. Unitarian churches, at least the ones I have known, are especially wonderful for encouraging people to have their own beliefs and respecting the differences of faith that people have. One of the people who was incredibly helpful to me when things were really bad was a Unitarian minister, the one who married husband and I because I would not convert to his faith and because we did not want to wait months to get married as I was already pregnant. I don't know if alanon meetings have been helpful to you. What I have heard about some of the alanon groups from members here is totally different than what I have experienced, and the groups that are different would not have been helpful to me. So if you want to try to go to meetings, try several. Different locations and times draw different groups and each has a unique dynamic though they follow the same steps. NarcAnon and Celebrate Recovery are other options that may be helpful. Have you had a heart to heart talk with your husband about how you feel? Men express their grief, guilt and pain in very different ways than women do. Men are likely to want to be romantic in order to feel close to the person they love. Women are more likely to need to feel close before they are able to be romantic. Talking through this is one of the challenges of going through any crisis as a couple. Maybe you could figure out a halfway point. PLEASE don't catastrophize and let yourself think that difficult child won't ever ever change. This only hurts YOU, not difficult child. My mom has often thought that it takes some people well into their mid thirties to figure out who they are, what they want to do, and to want to live a life without the drama of the streets, drugs, and similar choices. Our family history has shown this to be true. My bro was in that range, and so were several of my older cousins. Those who would get and stay clean usually didn't until they were over 30. The one cousin who is about as non-traditional in her beliefs as a person can be was in her 30s before she really settled down to build a life outside various communes and non-traditional groups. Yes, communes. If we based the future on where we were, how we thought, our beliefs and our actions when we were 18-20whatever, I doubt that ANY of us would be where we are now. I know that I wouldn't be. Heck, if I based my idea of Wiz' future on his behavior at 14-16, he would be in prison or dead by now, and he is about to turn 21 in a few days. I have every faith that he will grow and change and that hopefully we will have a better relationship when he is older and more mature. I hope you can get help to cope with the grief and pain. Reach out, open up, read, and talk with your husband and others. The more you keep this inside, the more it will hurt. There will always be some amt of pain, but you can find ways to learn to heal. One of the things that has always helped me was volunteering to help others. Maybe reaching out to others to help them would help you get your focus off of the pain, help you heal. This time of year there are many ways to give back, and they can be a lot of fun. Maybe get some simple craft materials and make a bunch of ornaments to take to a local senior center or soup kitchen or to a head start program. One year my mom sewed xmas stockings for every child in the Head Start program at the elem school my kids attended. We bought a few things to put into them and I was able to get donations to include with them. Each child got a nice used book (looked like new), a toy safe for kids under 3 (because many had siblings - make sure the toy and any parts that come off are not able to fit inside the cardboard tube that toilet paper comes on - easy and effective guideline), an ornament and a double-bagged playdough mix that parents just had to stir hot water into. I made the playdough mix and printed directions on pretty paper. I can give you a recipe if you want - I used kool-aid to color and scent it and had almost every parent clamoring for the recipe because it was so much fun (plus it could be baked into ornaments if they wanted!) The first year we did this we were having a LOT of problems with Wiz and health issues and this was great therapy for us and the kids loved them. It doesn't have to be that hard. The craft/frugal gift thread has some great ideas, as does the family fun magazine website and of course the family fun magazine. I can pass links along if you want. I know it may sound strange, but giving back by doing volunteer work or making a simple thing to give away truly is a very effective way to help cope with a traumatic event or situation like having an addicted or ill child or other loved one. It helps you gain perspective and brings a bit of joy into your life. It doesn't have to be expensive or labor or time intensive. Maybe just make some simple paper ornaments and give them to the cashiers at the store or someone you see who is frowning or looking unhappy. One of my favorite "Jessie memories" is of the year she was five. We were going to the Children's hospital for therapy and doctor appts at least twice a week, and of course Jess and thank you came with us mostly. She and I made some simple felt mice with candy cane tails and she took two dozen with us one day and gave them to the kids, parents and staff members she saw as we walked through the hospital. She was so happy when she saw people who looked unhappy or upset start to smile as she gave them a mouse - it truly was joyful for her and gave them a happy smile too. I cherish the memory and the lesson in kindness that she gave me that day. When we got to the hospital I had NO idea she had the mice with her - we made them for her sunday school class! I am sorry that you are hurting so badly, and I hope that your difficult child will accept and embrace help. I am so sorry that right now he is so sick. THe man at the shelter sounds like a great person and someone who might be able to point you toward other sources of help. [/QUOTE]
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