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Thoughts on detachment
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<blockquote data-quote="dashcat" data-source="post: 408011" data-attributes="member: 9175"><p>Thank you for this post, TL. I've been thinking alot about detachment, too. ... and, especially, how (this is in my particular case) I have to set boundaries situationally. My difficult child is - for the most part - a sweet and loving young woman. Beneath the surface, though, is a person leading a double life. There are so many lies and so many weird and dramatic situations, that it is mind boggling. When I'm setting my boundaries, I try to keep the lines of communication open without caving in to the manipulation No small task.</p><p> </p><p>She lives with her dad, aka Mr. Ostrich. She does not work, has no responsiblities at his home (Oh, Wait! she must empty the dishwasher each day!), spends almost every night at her boyfriend's house, no longer pays rent to Ostrich, but seems to have money for gas. Ostrich is going on vacation and doesn't want her to stay at his condo. ...not because she and boyfriend will play house or because of the real possiblity of her having men she meets on the internet there .... but becuase she is sloppy and his cleaning lady is coming while he's gone. </p><p> </p><p>My boundaries in this situation are: She can stay with me if she chooses. I will not "make" her (much to his dismay, I refuse to play "bad cop" here). IF she stays with me, she will do productive work (I have all sorts of stuff lined up for her) at least six hours a day, five days per week. I'm on disability, and I still do productive work ... so can she. She sleeps here, not at boyfriend's. My house, my rules. </p><p> </p><p>My boundary (at this point) is not that she cannot stay here, but that she cannot stay here with the lifestyle she is currently leading.</p><p> </p><p>She had a decent savings account when she went away to college, as I made her bank 1/2 of her babysitting paychecks for a period of six years. She blew through her savings on hotel rooms with an internet guy, through traffic tickets and buying a car. She quit a steady job for a seasonal job and is now out of work ... not even looking. Her passenger window in her car fell into the door and the door has to be disessembled in order to fix it. </p><p> </p><p>My boundary? Sigh. I did try to protect your savings, but it is gone now. You'll have to figure out how to fund this.</p><p> </p><p>Now, if she called me crying and begged me to come get her from a situation.... I would do it. Once. </p><p> </p><p>I'm careful to spell out my boundaries up front. "No, I will not take you and internet dude apartment hunting." In fact, I refused to even meet internet dude, and I'm glad I didn't. Ostrich had them over for dinner, drove them to their hotel love nest and let them use the car to look for apartments. She'd "known" this guy for less than a week! When Ostrich wants to set a "boundary", he does it through avoidance "You can't use the car to hunt for apartments because I need it today. And tomorrow. " This just keeps her feeling as though she's in control ... and she is. It makes me absolutely crazy but, (detachment again) there's not a thing I can do...so I let it go.</p><p> </p><p>Now, as to the boundaries of the heart ... that is a far more difficult matter. I can say that, through very hard work, I've been able to Let Go and Let God to some degree. ...but not completely,and I don't think I ever will. The best I can do is one day at a time, and some days are better than others. I think detachment is an ongoing and everchanging process. </p><p> </p><p>Dash</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dashcat, post: 408011, member: 9175"] Thank you for this post, TL. I've been thinking alot about detachment, too. ... and, especially, how (this is in my particular case) I have to set boundaries situationally. My difficult child is - for the most part - a sweet and loving young woman. Beneath the surface, though, is a person leading a double life. There are so many lies and so many weird and dramatic situations, that it is mind boggling. When I'm setting my boundaries, I try to keep the lines of communication open without caving in to the manipulation No small task. She lives with her dad, aka Mr. Ostrich. She does not work, has no responsiblities at his home (Oh, Wait! she must empty the dishwasher each day!), spends almost every night at her boyfriend's house, no longer pays rent to Ostrich, but seems to have money for gas. Ostrich is going on vacation and doesn't want her to stay at his condo. ...not because she and boyfriend will play house or because of the real possiblity of her having men she meets on the internet there .... but becuase she is sloppy and his cleaning lady is coming while he's gone. My boundaries in this situation are: She can stay with me if she chooses. I will not "make" her (much to his dismay, I refuse to play "bad cop" here). IF she stays with me, she will do productive work (I have all sorts of stuff lined up for her) at least six hours a day, five days per week. I'm on disability, and I still do productive work ... so can she. She sleeps here, not at boyfriend's. My house, my rules. My boundary (at this point) is not that she cannot stay here, but that she cannot stay here with the lifestyle she is currently leading. She had a decent savings account when she went away to college, as I made her bank 1/2 of her babysitting paychecks for a period of six years. She blew through her savings on hotel rooms with an internet guy, through traffic tickets and buying a car. She quit a steady job for a seasonal job and is now out of work ... not even looking. Her passenger window in her car fell into the door and the door has to be disessembled in order to fix it. My boundary? Sigh. I did try to protect your savings, but it is gone now. You'll have to figure out how to fund this. Now, if she called me crying and begged me to come get her from a situation.... I would do it. Once. I'm careful to spell out my boundaries up front. "No, I will not take you and internet dude apartment hunting." In fact, I refused to even meet internet dude, and I'm glad I didn't. Ostrich had them over for dinner, drove them to their hotel love nest and let them use the car to look for apartments. She'd "known" this guy for less than a week! When Ostrich wants to set a "boundary", he does it through avoidance "You can't use the car to hunt for apartments because I need it today. And tomorrow. " This just keeps her feeling as though she's in control ... and she is. It makes me absolutely crazy but, (detachment again) there's not a thing I can do...so I let it go. Now, as to the boundaries of the heart ... that is a far more difficult matter. I can say that, through very hard work, I've been able to Let Go and Let God to some degree. ...but not completely,and I don't think I ever will. The best I can do is one day at a time, and some days are better than others. I think detachment is an ongoing and everchanging process. Dash [/QUOTE]
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