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Thoughts on detachment
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 411431" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Very well put, Toughlovin'. To the first statement, I would add that, much as we need to establish healthy boundaries so the kids learn they can't walk all over us anymore, we need to teach OURSELVES that the kids can't walk all over us, anymore. So many times, we were so flabbergasted by what was happening that we reacted to the crisis of the moment on automatic. It wasn't until the other parents on the site convinced me that yes, bad things were probably going to happen again and I had best be prepared, and then, gave me actual words to say actual responses to make, that I was able to get a handle on that so important piece of detaching.</p><p></p><p>And you know what? The things they taught me worked.</p><p></p><p>I made a hard copy of that post and those responses, and kept it by the phone, so I would remember the exact phrase when difficult child would call in trouble. It's so hard to think straight when terrible things are happening to our kids. </p><p></p><p>I think that series of posts is still in the Archives, here. If you haven't seen it, check it out. It helped me set my feet on the ground. Once I was able to touch bottom, I was able to keep going in that healthier direction. (And as an aside? difficult child learned to HATE this site!)</p><p></p><p>The second part of your quote, Toughlovin' ~ about learning to love life despite what is happening to your child...I did not get that one for a long time, either.</p><p>What I came to understand though, is that when your child is ready to chose a different lifestyle (and what the kids are doing IS a choice), he or she will need a healthy, functioning role model who believes he or she has the intrinsic value, and the strength, to pull themselves out of the life they have been living.</p><p></p><p>That, I can do. I am the only one who knows who that child was before the addiction sank its hooks into him. I know all the fine things about who he really is, and who he was meant to be. I know the gifts he might have brought into the world, and I believe in him.</p><p></p><p>That is why I chose the quote about faith at the bottom of my posts.</p><p></p><p>And this helped me.</p><p></p><p>I hold faith with the young man I could see so clearly before the addiction changed him.</p><p></p><p>This understanding enabled me to know how to react to the continuing strangeness intrinsic to parenting an addicted child/adult. I had a clearer picture of who he was meant to be, and this helped me make the correct responses to the person he had morphed into. I was able to say, with a clear conscience, "You were raised better." "I expect more." "You are better than the life you have chosen."</p><p></p><p>And I began hearing those thoughts mirrored back to me when difficult child would find himself caught up in situations he shouldn't have been in, with people he should never have come to know in the first place.</p><p></p><p>It was a place for me to stand.</p><p></p><p>And the depression lifted. The sense of shame was lessened. I could view my child, myself, our extended family, with compassion for our loss. I was able to name what was lost and so, grieve appropriately and let it go.</p><p></p><p>So, that is what helped us.</p><p></p><p>Faith in our child, and in the goodness I KNOW is in him.</p><p></p><p>It's been a long journey. difficult child is making his way back. Much has been lost (my dreams, mostly). But it is never too late to walk a different direction, if you have someone in your life, in your background, who believes that you can.</p><p></p><p>Had difficult child never turned around, that belief in him still would have held me up.</p><p></p><p>Know that I wish you well, Toughlovin'. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and to your family.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 411431, member: 1721"] Very well put, Toughlovin'. To the first statement, I would add that, much as we need to establish healthy boundaries so the kids learn they can't walk all over us anymore, we need to teach OURSELVES that the kids can't walk all over us, anymore. So many times, we were so flabbergasted by what was happening that we reacted to the crisis of the moment on automatic. It wasn't until the other parents on the site convinced me that yes, bad things were probably going to happen again and I had best be prepared, and then, gave me actual words to say actual responses to make, that I was able to get a handle on that so important piece of detaching. And you know what? The things they taught me worked. I made a hard copy of that post and those responses, and kept it by the phone, so I would remember the exact phrase when difficult child would call in trouble. It's so hard to think straight when terrible things are happening to our kids. I think that series of posts is still in the Archives, here. If you haven't seen it, check it out. It helped me set my feet on the ground. Once I was able to touch bottom, I was able to keep going in that healthier direction. (And as an aside? difficult child learned to HATE this site!) The second part of your quote, Toughlovin' ~ about learning to love life despite what is happening to your child...I did not get that one for a long time, either. What I came to understand though, is that when your child is ready to chose a different lifestyle (and what the kids are doing IS a choice), he or she will need a healthy, functioning role model who believes he or she has the intrinsic value, and the strength, to pull themselves out of the life they have been living. That, I can do. I am the only one who knows who that child was before the addiction sank its hooks into him. I know all the fine things about who he really is, and who he was meant to be. I know the gifts he might have brought into the world, and I believe in him. That is why I chose the quote about faith at the bottom of my posts. And this helped me. I hold faith with the young man I could see so clearly before the addiction changed him. This understanding enabled me to know how to react to the continuing strangeness intrinsic to parenting an addicted child/adult. I had a clearer picture of who he was meant to be, and this helped me make the correct responses to the person he had morphed into. I was able to say, with a clear conscience, "You were raised better." "I expect more." "You are better than the life you have chosen." And I began hearing those thoughts mirrored back to me when difficult child would find himself caught up in situations he shouldn't have been in, with people he should never have come to know in the first place. It was a place for me to stand. And the depression lifted. The sense of shame was lessened. I could view my child, myself, our extended family, with compassion for our loss. I was able to name what was lost and so, grieve appropriately and let it go. So, that is what helped us. Faith in our child, and in the goodness I KNOW is in him. It's been a long journey. difficult child is making his way back. Much has been lost (my dreams, mostly). But it is never too late to walk a different direction, if you have someone in your life, in your background, who believes that you can. Had difficult child never turned around, that belief in him still would have held me up. Know that I wish you well, Toughlovin'. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and to your family. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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