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Thoughts on detachment
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 411596" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Don't let the darker side go, Toughlovin'. Call your son ~ your real son, the one you raised, the one you KNOW is in there and knows better, on his behaviors. Say things like "You were raised better!" and "I deserve better from you!" and "I want you to stop this **** NOW!" He won't act like he hears you? He may even ridicule you for daring to say such things to him? (Ours did. Remember that the addict in them will hurt you any way they can, to get you to buckle, and to enable the continued drug use.) But when the chips are down, those are the words he will remember, and that is where the strength he needs to beat the addiction will come from. He is better than what he is doing, now. It isn't solely about trying to love our kids despite what they do ~ it truly is about parenting, about being a strong role model and mentor. If drugs are not a piece of what is happening to your son, the vision of the strong mother who isn't scared or broken by the wrong ways her child has chosen is still a good one. Someone who expects him to come back to who he is provides a first, beginning way for him TO come back.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes that doesn't seem like alot? But you are his mother. Your words will echo down the years as no one else's can. </p><p></p><p>I forgot that for awhile, too. But when I remembered? It worked. It worked for me, making me stronger and giving me a place to stand and, eventually, it helped my son, too.</p><p></p><p>I know that feeling you are describing, Toughlovin'. I wish there were some marker for parents like us ~ parents who are losing their children a piece at a time. We live with the certainty of death or disfigurement every day.</p><p></p><p>Every single day.</p><p></p><p>Every time the phone rings late at night, our hearts are in our mouths.</p><p></p><p>If our children survive it, the dreams we saw coming true so clearly in them before the addiction are destroyed, washed away as though they never existed.</p><p></p><p>We are suffering. We grieve endlessly, and cannot, ever, let go, because it isn't over, yet. What we can do though, is learn coping skills. The most helpful thing I learned to do was (thanks, Suz, if you are reading this) to say the Serenity Prayer until I got it. When I couldn't sleep, when I would wake up anxious, certain he was dead or starving or cold...I would say it again and again, until I could stand it.</p><p></p><p>It helped me.</p><p></p><p>I will put it here for you now, just in case you don't have it handy, Toughlovin'.</p><p></p><p>Again, I am so sorry for your pain.</p><p></p><p>God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,</p><p>the Courage to change the things I can,</p><p>and the Wisdom to know the difference.</p><p></p><p>Know that I wish you and yours well, Toughlovin'.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 411596, member: 1721"] Don't let the darker side go, Toughlovin'. Call your son ~ your real son, the one you raised, the one you KNOW is in there and knows better, on his behaviors. Say things like "You were raised better!" and "I deserve better from you!" and "I want you to stop this **** NOW!" He won't act like he hears you? He may even ridicule you for daring to say such things to him? (Ours did. Remember that the addict in them will hurt you any way they can, to get you to buckle, and to enable the continued drug use.) But when the chips are down, those are the words he will remember, and that is where the strength he needs to beat the addiction will come from. He is better than what he is doing, now. It isn't solely about trying to love our kids despite what they do ~ it truly is about parenting, about being a strong role model and mentor. If drugs are not a piece of what is happening to your son, the vision of the strong mother who isn't scared or broken by the wrong ways her child has chosen is still a good one. Someone who expects him to come back to who he is provides a first, beginning way for him TO come back. Sometimes that doesn't seem like alot? But you are his mother. Your words will echo down the years as no one else's can. I forgot that for awhile, too. But when I remembered? It worked. It worked for me, making me stronger and giving me a place to stand and, eventually, it helped my son, too. I know that feeling you are describing, Toughlovin'. I wish there were some marker for parents like us ~ parents who are losing their children a piece at a time. We live with the certainty of death or disfigurement every day. Every single day. Every time the phone rings late at night, our hearts are in our mouths. If our children survive it, the dreams we saw coming true so clearly in them before the addiction are destroyed, washed away as though they never existed. We are suffering. We grieve endlessly, and cannot, ever, let go, because it isn't over, yet. What we can do though, is learn coping skills. The most helpful thing I learned to do was (thanks, Suz, if you are reading this) to say the Serenity Prayer until I got it. When I couldn't sleep, when I would wake up anxious, certain he was dead or starving or cold...I would say it again and again, until I could stand it. It helped me. I will put it here for you now, just in case you don't have it handy, Toughlovin'. Again, I am so sorry for your pain. God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Know that I wish you and yours well, Toughlovin'. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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