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Thoughts on detachment
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 411737" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>AHF, </p><p> </p><p>I think a lot of times we do thinking that is so extreme for the sake of shrouding ourself from more hurts.....we hurt ourself even more. My therapist once told me "The death of a dream is sometimes more painful than the death of an actual child." I believe that's true. Death is final. Death of a dream continually perpetuates itself in our minds as a possibility of what could be. For your friend - her pain lies in the sadness of never knowing what will be ever - there is no chance her son will come back, while that is painful it's over. For you - your pain lies in the sadness of hope - knowing that there can be a something, your son can come back, and he makes choices for himself that are poor, and they hurt over and over. I think in identifying with your friends pain? You are cheating yourself of hope. Hope is eternal - Death is final. You can't prepare yourself for the death of hope. If you prepare yourself now for death? I think you will feel very cheated, not very prepared. </p><p> </p><p>Do I or have I ever felt that way? Sure. It's a seemingly safe place we lie and say "I'll be safe here, I'll put my heart here, and nothing will happen." Life, AHF happens. Death, happens. I didn't plan on burying a son 11 years ago at age 18 after he rode a bull in an arena. All those years of riding without a vest - then the first year, the first RIDE - the P.B.A. mandates all riders wear a vest, his first bull, his first event - he gets slammed into the wall - and gets a blood clot? He went to the ER, they put him on medicine. All seemed fine. He went on with life, got married, got a home, life seemed great. He woke up, the clot broke, went to his brain, caused an aneurysm, and he drown in his own blood. Life support kept him alive for 3 days while everyone (his bio mom, family) ripped our hearts out to make a decision - make him a living vegetable, take him off life support? No parent should have to ever go through that. We did the best thing for him, and took him off life support. </p><p>Six years later another young man would come into our lives to stay. Dudes worst enemy, then best friend. He just never left our home and became our other son. He was a difficult child as well as Dude. Two months apart, and life was fun - he wasn't really a problem for us - he was for his bio Mom. And one night on Friday the 13th two years ago? He was driving, flipped a car, and burned alive behind the wheel taking two other people with him. Dude still hasn't recovered, I struggle with it, it's definitely had it's moments. But it changed my thoughts on how I felt about Dudes relationship even with the worst behavior immaginable. To think in my mind that he's 'dead' to me - not fathomable at this point. Kari is dead. Steven is dead. Dude while a complete jerk at times? Alive - fixable, changeable, hope.....Hopeful always me - hopeful. </p><p> </p><p>Always me lowering my expectations to the point of - Dear Lord, allow him to be healthy, happy, walk and breath today - that's it. Amen. From - How about a prosperous, veterinarian that is able to perform miracles and has his own house, bank account, calls me once a day, happy life, happy wife, children - blah blah, blah. Yeah - my dreams constantly evolving for him too. So I changed my thinking from death of a dream too - to evolution of a dream....I'm down to basics now and if I can just have those granted? After knowing what all really can be taken out of my life? I am thankful for whatever - and if just that little I as for isn't possible? I'm thankful for what I do have - I'll work with what I'm given. </p><p> </p><p>Hope this helps. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 411737, member: 4964"] AHF, I think a lot of times we do thinking that is so extreme for the sake of shrouding ourself from more hurts.....we hurt ourself even more. My therapist once told me "The death of a dream is sometimes more painful than the death of an actual child." I believe that's true. Death is final. Death of a dream continually perpetuates itself in our minds as a possibility of what could be. For your friend - her pain lies in the sadness of never knowing what will be ever - there is no chance her son will come back, while that is painful it's over. For you - your pain lies in the sadness of hope - knowing that there can be a something, your son can come back, and he makes choices for himself that are poor, and they hurt over and over. I think in identifying with your friends pain? You are cheating yourself of hope. Hope is eternal - Death is final. You can't prepare yourself for the death of hope. If you prepare yourself now for death? I think you will feel very cheated, not very prepared. Do I or have I ever felt that way? Sure. It's a seemingly safe place we lie and say "I'll be safe here, I'll put my heart here, and nothing will happen." Life, AHF happens. Death, happens. I didn't plan on burying a son 11 years ago at age 18 after he rode a bull in an arena. All those years of riding without a vest - then the first year, the first RIDE - the P.B.A. mandates all riders wear a vest, his first bull, his first event - he gets slammed into the wall - and gets a blood clot? He went to the ER, they put him on medicine. All seemed fine. He went on with life, got married, got a home, life seemed great. He woke up, the clot broke, went to his brain, caused an aneurysm, and he drown in his own blood. Life support kept him alive for 3 days while everyone (his bio mom, family) ripped our hearts out to make a decision - make him a living vegetable, take him off life support? No parent should have to ever go through that. We did the best thing for him, and took him off life support. Six years later another young man would come into our lives to stay. Dudes worst enemy, then best friend. He just never left our home and became our other son. He was a difficult child as well as Dude. Two months apart, and life was fun - he wasn't really a problem for us - he was for his bio Mom. And one night on Friday the 13th two years ago? He was driving, flipped a car, and burned alive behind the wheel taking two other people with him. Dude still hasn't recovered, I struggle with it, it's definitely had it's moments. But it changed my thoughts on how I felt about Dudes relationship even with the worst behavior immaginable. To think in my mind that he's 'dead' to me - not fathomable at this point. Kari is dead. Steven is dead. Dude while a complete jerk at times? Alive - fixable, changeable, hope.....Hopeful always me - hopeful. Always me lowering my expectations to the point of - Dear Lord, allow him to be healthy, happy, walk and breath today - that's it. Amen. From - How about a prosperous, veterinarian that is able to perform miracles and has his own house, bank account, calls me once a day, happy life, happy wife, children - blah blah, blah. Yeah - my dreams constantly evolving for him too. So I changed my thinking from death of a dream too - to evolution of a dream....I'm down to basics now and if I can just have those granted? After knowing what all really can be taken out of my life? I am thankful for whatever - and if just that little I as for isn't possible? I'm thankful for what I do have - I'll work with what I'm given. Hope this helps. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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