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Thoughts on detachment
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 411748" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>That is exactly how I felt too, AHF. (Beautifully written description.) The trap we are in, as parents of addicted or problem children, is that until they are gone from this earth or they get better, truly letting go is impossible. We are living in a nightmare world of loss and waste and destruction...and every day it gets worse. We see our children changing before our eyes and there is nothing, nothing we can do to help or to make it stop. We search our consciences for things that might have happened to cause this, things we might have done differently, warning signs we should have acknowledged, possible new treatments or strategies ~ anything, anything that might make a difference. We are destroying our own health, letting our marriages suffer, taking precious time from our other children and our extended families and careers. But nothing changes. Our addicted children suffer. We suffer with and for them. All the while, we go to work, we cook and shop and clean the house and do the laundry...but at night, we don't sleep. There is no calmness for us, no sense of completion or peace. That is why we need to learn how to cope with what has happened to us, and to our children. Because until that child is better, until there is an ending, a conclusion, these feeling will not go away. We need to fight for ourselves, and once we are strong enough again, fight that murderer who took our child hostage.</p><p></p><p>We need a place to stand, a place where we can put our feet on the ground and name what has happened to us, and to our children. Once we can see clearly, we can plot a course through the pain.</p><p></p><p>That you see the murderer in the eyes of the man who looks like your son means you need to look into his heart ~ or yours. The child he was will be there, suffering. That is who you speak to, that is who you interact with. The murderer, the hostage taker, gets nothing.</p><p></p><p>Nothing.</p><p></p><p>I found great strength in this kind of thinking, AHF. It seems true to me still, even today. I owe the murderer NOTHING. He is someone I don't know or understand. His only value is that he has my son.</p><p></p><p>And I really do think that kind of thinking helped my son see his way out. The more I thought about it like that, the more I could see how true it was, and the more clearly I could see, and talk to, my son in there. It became easy to cold shoulder the hostage taker, the addict, the murderer.</p><p></p><p>And I got stronger.</p><p></p><p>And you will, too.</p><p></p><p>And I was able to help my family heal, because that kind of thinking made sense to them, too. The person who has been so hurtful to all of us is not the person we knew and loved. That person is gone, taken hostage, suffering away in a lonely prison because no one believes in him, anymore.</p><p></p><p>In the end, it comes down to our survival. How in the world are we to come through this successfully? It may not make sense to anyone else, but this kind of thinking helped me.</p><p></p><p>As always, wishing each of us strength, and peace, and courage.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 411748, member: 1721"] That is exactly how I felt too, AHF. (Beautifully written description.) The trap we are in, as parents of addicted or problem children, is that until they are gone from this earth or they get better, truly letting go is impossible. We are living in a nightmare world of loss and waste and destruction...and every day it gets worse. We see our children changing before our eyes and there is nothing, nothing we can do to help or to make it stop. We search our consciences for things that might have happened to cause this, things we might have done differently, warning signs we should have acknowledged, possible new treatments or strategies ~ anything, anything that might make a difference. We are destroying our own health, letting our marriages suffer, taking precious time from our other children and our extended families and careers. But nothing changes. Our addicted children suffer. We suffer with and for them. All the while, we go to work, we cook and shop and clean the house and do the laundry...but at night, we don't sleep. There is no calmness for us, no sense of completion or peace. That is why we need to learn how to cope with what has happened to us, and to our children. Because until that child is better, until there is an ending, a conclusion, these feeling will not go away. We need to fight for ourselves, and once we are strong enough again, fight that murderer who took our child hostage. We need a place to stand, a place where we can put our feet on the ground and name what has happened to us, and to our children. Once we can see clearly, we can plot a course through the pain. That you see the murderer in the eyes of the man who looks like your son means you need to look into his heart ~ or yours. The child he was will be there, suffering. That is who you speak to, that is who you interact with. The murderer, the hostage taker, gets nothing. Nothing. I found great strength in this kind of thinking, AHF. It seems true to me still, even today. I owe the murderer NOTHING. He is someone I don't know or understand. His only value is that he has my son. And I really do think that kind of thinking helped my son see his way out. The more I thought about it like that, the more I could see how true it was, and the more clearly I could see, and talk to, my son in there. It became easy to cold shoulder the hostage taker, the addict, the murderer. And I got stronger. And you will, too. And I was able to help my family heal, because that kind of thinking made sense to them, too. The person who has been so hurtful to all of us is not the person we knew and loved. That person is gone, taken hostage, suffering away in a lonely prison because no one believes in him, anymore. In the end, it comes down to our survival. How in the world are we to come through this successfully? It may not make sense to anyone else, but this kind of thinking helped me. As always, wishing each of us strength, and peace, and courage. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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