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Tis the season to be judged!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 322768" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>That's it exactly. There are people like that around the world. Some of them are my best friends, some of them I avoid.</p><p></p><p>One of my best friends occasionally takes me to task over my children, even though her own two kids are far from prfect (and she won't always acknowledge it). But in her case I hang in there for the times when she is NOT in denial and for the stimulating conversations we have. She is a loving person but so often in "fix it" mode. This gets her into some awful trouble as she tries to sometimes fix people who have no intention of accepting that they need fixing...</p><p></p><p>It's like so many of our relationships. If there is enough else in there for us to put up with the shortcomings, then we put up with it. But if it's just not worth the heartache, we in future smile politely but make it clear, we have other demands on our time.</p><p></p><p>I don't think you can avoid gatherings in the future but perhaps a good tactic would be to avoid get-togethers for events as important as Thanksgiving (which from my vantage point in Australia seems the most important of the year to people in the US, more important than Christmas) and to also keep it short and sweet. Leave them wanting more of your company, not wishing for you to leave. And vice versa.</p><p></p><p>So when husband accepts an invitation for the future, smile and say, "Hang on honey, I think you forgot - we've already agreed to spend time with X family. at least I think it's that weekend. Tell you what, neighbours, we'll go home and check our diary, see if there is some way we can spend some time with you that day. It will be so good to be able to, but we may have to leave early. So sorry, we would have loved to spend the whole time with you."</p><p></p><p>That gives you the option of discussing this in private between you and husband.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, it's a facet of his BiPolar (BP) for him to either be carefree and full of bravado, what in Australia we call the "she'll be right, mate" attitude and the more aggressive almost paranoid, "You never want me to have any fun" attitude.</p><p></p><p>He tries to put you on the parent pedestal but at the same time resents your constant parenting (as he sees it). This is what I was picking up on, from what you said I'm even more convinced that hostess's reaction was very much a case of what she heard him say (whether it is actually what he said or not) coupled with her need to see you as a worse parent than she privately fears herself to be.</p><p></p><p>I repeat - you did nothing wrong. even in going back - you did nothing wrong. Do not blame yourself in any way. Some people are like this, it is not your fault. You need to keep reminding yourself of this because in your last post you were still blaming yourself. </p><p></p><p>Don't.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 322768, member: 1991"] That's it exactly. There are people like that around the world. Some of them are my best friends, some of them I avoid. One of my best friends occasionally takes me to task over my children, even though her own two kids are far from prfect (and she won't always acknowledge it). But in her case I hang in there for the times when she is NOT in denial and for the stimulating conversations we have. She is a loving person but so often in "fix it" mode. This gets her into some awful trouble as she tries to sometimes fix people who have no intention of accepting that they need fixing... It's like so many of our relationships. If there is enough else in there for us to put up with the shortcomings, then we put up with it. But if it's just not worth the heartache, we in future smile politely but make it clear, we have other demands on our time. I don't think you can avoid gatherings in the future but perhaps a good tactic would be to avoid get-togethers for events as important as Thanksgiving (which from my vantage point in Australia seems the most important of the year to people in the US, more important than Christmas) and to also keep it short and sweet. Leave them wanting more of your company, not wishing for you to leave. And vice versa. So when husband accepts an invitation for the future, smile and say, "Hang on honey, I think you forgot - we've already agreed to spend time with X family. at least I think it's that weekend. Tell you what, neighbours, we'll go home and check our diary, see if there is some way we can spend some time with you that day. It will be so good to be able to, but we may have to leave early. So sorry, we would have loved to spend the whole time with you." That gives you the option of discussing this in private between you and husband. The thing is, it's a facet of his BiPolar (BP) for him to either be carefree and full of bravado, what in Australia we call the "she'll be right, mate" attitude and the more aggressive almost paranoid, "You never want me to have any fun" attitude. He tries to put you on the parent pedestal but at the same time resents your constant parenting (as he sees it). This is what I was picking up on, from what you said I'm even more convinced that hostess's reaction was very much a case of what she heard him say (whether it is actually what he said or not) coupled with her need to see you as a worse parent than she privately fears herself to be. I repeat - you did nothing wrong. even in going back - you did nothing wrong. Do not blame yourself in any way. Some people are like this, it is not your fault. You need to keep reminding yourself of this because in your last post you were still blaming yourself. Don't. Marg [/QUOTE]
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