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To cuddle or not to cuddle (after a rage)??
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<blockquote data-quote="Snoopy" data-source="post: 519483" data-attributes="member: 14038"><p><span style="color: #222222"><span style="font-family: 'Times'">bigbear...I haven't read any of the responses (I'll go back and read them) but I think it's VERY important to reciprocate if she wants to cuddle. The only time I would say NOT to cuddle after a rage is if you are angry and feel out of control for any reason...due to her behavior. If one parent is upset, that's a good time for the other parent to step in and offer comfort and compassion. If the upset parent is the only one available, I think it's fair to tell your daughter that you need a short time out (grownups need timeouts too!)...then when you feel calm, you can offer snuggles and love. The word for the day about rages is CALM as I'm sure you know this already...definitely easier said than done. And yes...if she's having a true "rage", she is NOT in control of herself. And given her history, her rages are a result of trauma and neglect. I don't know her exact history but if she was in a Russian orphanage for 14 months, she was probably traumatuzed and neglected. The cycle of nurturing was not met for her in those early months. If they had been, she would be able to self regulate. Back to the offering cuddles question...she needs to know you love her unconditionally no matter how she acts. You are NOT spoiling her by giving her attention after she rages. This is exactly the time that she most needs love and connection! I understand it can seem sort of counterproductive but I promise you it's not (like it feels as though you are condoning the behavior if you cuddle her). If the rages were truly a behavior issue (like she actually could control herself but was acting out to get her way or whatever...manipulation on her part) then yes, cuddling would be counterproductive in that situation. I think I mentioned the book Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather Forbes. That would be a great book to have your husband read (even if it's only the first few chapters) as it very clearly explains why kiddos rage (ones with an adoption history). You might even be able to find a copy at your local library. It took a long time for me to understand my daughter wasn't able to control herself. I knew it in my head as people would tell me this (and I read about it) but I didn't truly understand it and integrate it into my being until I read Heather Forbes words. A little off topic but this can help with rages in the long-term (or things that trigger rages)...I have a wonderful method that our attachment therapist taught us to gain compliance and cooperation when needed. PM me if you are interested. It might be helpful.</span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Snoopy, post: 519483, member: 14038"] [COLOR=#222222][FONT=Times]bigbear...I haven't read any of the responses (I'll go back and read them) but I think it's VERY important to reciprocate if she wants to cuddle. The only time I would say NOT to cuddle after a rage is if you are angry and feel out of control for any reason...due to her behavior. If one parent is upset, that's a good time for the other parent to step in and offer comfort and compassion. If the upset parent is the only one available, I think it's fair to tell your daughter that you need a short time out (grownups need timeouts too!)...then when you feel calm, you can offer snuggles and love. The word for the day about rages is CALM as I'm sure you know this already...definitely easier said than done. And yes...if she's having a true "rage", she is NOT in control of herself. And given her history, her rages are a result of trauma and neglect. I don't know her exact history but if she was in a Russian orphanage for 14 months, she was probably traumatuzed and neglected. The cycle of nurturing was not met for her in those early months. If they had been, she would be able to self regulate. Back to the offering cuddles question...she needs to know you love her unconditionally no matter how she acts. You are NOT spoiling her by giving her attention after she rages. This is exactly the time that she most needs love and connection! I understand it can seem sort of counterproductive but I promise you it's not (like it feels as though you are condoning the behavior if you cuddle her). If the rages were truly a behavior issue (like she actually could control herself but was acting out to get her way or whatever...manipulation on her part) then yes, cuddling would be counterproductive in that situation. I think I mentioned the book Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather Forbes. That would be a great book to have your husband read (even if it's only the first few chapters) as it very clearly explains why kiddos rage (ones with an adoption history). You might even be able to find a copy at your local library. It took a long time for me to understand my daughter wasn't able to control herself. I knew it in my head as people would tell me this (and I read about it) but I didn't truly understand it and integrate it into my being until I read Heather Forbes words. A little off topic but this can help with rages in the long-term (or things that trigger rages)...I have a wonderful method that our attachment therapist taught us to gain compliance and cooperation when needed. PM me if you are interested. It might be helpful.[/FONT][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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