Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
To Tell the Truth
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 645372" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am coming to believe this is the true thing that we all must learn to declare, whether we believe it yet or not.</p><p></p><p>We will come to believe it. </p><p></p><p>There are such things as difficult child kids. They are different kinds of kids, they grow into different kinds of adults, and they are difficult to parent.</p><p></p><p>They are hurtful people to be the parents of, once they are grown. </p><p></p><p>That is just a fact. It is not a judgment call. If we can accept that no one has to have done something wrong to create this situation, that means we can stop devoting our lives to searching for that magical thing that will make it right.</p><p></p><p>If we never manage to get them out of our houses, there is a very good chance they will abuse us verbally, emotionally, financially and finally, as we age, physically.</p><p></p><p>These things seem to be true.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Or our children are addicted to drugs and because of that, have lost the capacity for empathy, with all that entails. When they are clean for a time, their behaviors change. (This is true.) But I wonder whether there is a point of no return with the drug thing. Empathy and conscience are habitual things. I imagine you could get out of the habit of these kinds of assessments, too.</p><p></p><p>Here is a pretty quote:</p><p></p><p>"You speak of gods. Very well. Avata speaks that language now. Avata says consciousness is the Species-God's gift to the individual. Conscience is the Individual-God's gift to the species. In conscience you find the structure, the form of consciousness, the beauty."</p><p></p><p>Frank Herbert</p><p>The Jesus Incident</p><p></p><p>Here is another, just because I have my quote box out:</p><p></p><p>"Civilization is not contagious, not accidental, not a whim of geography. It doesn't spill over or infect. It is a deliberate act: We will have Art, we will rise to advanced thought, we will surpass our normal venality, we will walk on the Western Slopes."</p><p></p><p>I don't have a notation on this card of where I got this. It is too beautiful for me not to have written it down somewhere. When I find it, I will post.</p><p></p><p>And the last:</p><p></p><p>"American women seek a perfection in their husbands that English women only hope for in their butlers."</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>***********</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>But even knowing this, even knowing what I think I know, even hearing all the stories from everyone here ~ all from different styles of childrearing but all resonating, almost verbatim, on the same points...I still just want my kids to be okay.</p><p></p><p>I don't get it, why this happened.</p><p></p><p>I have such a hard time with denial.</p><p></p><p>Well, you know what it is. Given what seem to be higher than average levels of intelligence and accomplishment here on the site, I would say (and I have said it, but that was on another thread) that most of us have met and conquered the enemy even when we realized it <em>was</em> us. I think we have done that all of our lives, and I think the majority of us have had to overcome any number of challenges all of our lives. So we just don't get it when a child of ours does what our kids are doing.</p><p></p><p>Repeatedly.</p><p></p><p>But I think we could start right there, right with Applecori's statement.</p><p></p><p>We ARE wonderful, kind mothers.</p><p></p><p>Our children are very difficult.</p><p></p><p>That is a beginning place.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There was a discussion here on the site one time, about whether difficult child kids do better when they are scared of the mother.</p><p></p><p>The more I apologized to difficult child son, the nastier and more entitled he seemed to get. When I changed my responses, difficult child son first was outraged but now, seems to be coming back to us with clearer vision and with a sense that we have value.</p><p></p><p>difficult child daughter apologizes very much when she is fine. Or, she doesn't remember so much about what really transpired, and presents other versions of reality in which I am the villain. </p><p></p><p>So I apologize for that too, just in case.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, I think, I am remembering this incorrectly, or maybe difficult child daughter needs to believe this to heal. Then, we learned this is how difficult child daughter is with everyone. Perhaps she cannot face what happens when she is not doing well and so, she denies responsibility for it.</p><p></p><p>It is heartbreaking to be the mom of a difficult child, whether the issue is addiction or mental illness or whether one causes or exacerbates the other or whatever the situation is.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Could not happen on a thread of mine. We are all wondering the same things. Every one of us turns the issue, sees a different aspect of it.</p><p></p><p>I love to see where the threads go, and I learn from those new ways of looking.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 645372, member: 17461"] I am coming to believe this is the true thing that we all must learn to declare, whether we believe it yet or not. We will come to believe it. There are such things as difficult child kids. They are different kinds of kids, they grow into different kinds of adults, and they are difficult to parent. They are hurtful people to be the parents of, once they are grown. That is just a fact. It is not a judgment call. If we can accept that no one has to have done something wrong to create this situation, that means we can stop devoting our lives to searching for that magical thing that will make it right. If we never manage to get them out of our houses, there is a very good chance they will abuse us verbally, emotionally, financially and finally, as we age, physically. These things seem to be true. *** Or our children are addicted to drugs and because of that, have lost the capacity for empathy, with all that entails. When they are clean for a time, their behaviors change. (This is true.) But I wonder whether there is a point of no return with the drug thing. Empathy and conscience are habitual things. I imagine you could get out of the habit of these kinds of assessments, too. Here is a pretty quote: "You speak of gods. Very well. Avata speaks that language now. Avata says consciousness is the Species-God's gift to the individual. Conscience is the Individual-God's gift to the species. In conscience you find the structure, the form of consciousness, the beauty." Frank Herbert The Jesus Incident Here is another, just because I have my quote box out: "Civilization is not contagious, not accidental, not a whim of geography. It doesn't spill over or infect. It is a deliberate act: We will have Art, we will rise to advanced thought, we will surpass our normal venality, we will walk on the Western Slopes." I don't have a notation on this card of where I got this. It is too beautiful for me not to have written it down somewhere. When I find it, I will post. And the last: "American women seek a perfection in their husbands that English women only hope for in their butlers." :O) *********** But even knowing this, even knowing what I think I know, even hearing all the stories from everyone here ~ all from different styles of childrearing but all resonating, almost verbatim, on the same points...I still just want my kids to be okay. I don't get it, why this happened. I have such a hard time with denial. Well, you know what it is. Given what seem to be higher than average levels of intelligence and accomplishment here on the site, I would say (and I have said it, but that was on another thread) that most of us have met and conquered the enemy even when we realized it [I]was[/I] us. I think we have done that all of our lives, and I think the majority of us have had to overcome any number of challenges all of our lives. So we just don't get it when a child of ours does what our kids are doing. Repeatedly. But I think we could start right there, right with Applecori's statement. We ARE wonderful, kind mothers. Our children are very difficult. That is a beginning place. There was a discussion here on the site one time, about whether difficult child kids do better when they are scared of the mother. The more I apologized to difficult child son, the nastier and more entitled he seemed to get. When I changed my responses, difficult child son first was outraged but now, seems to be coming back to us with clearer vision and with a sense that we have value. difficult child daughter apologizes very much when she is fine. Or, she doesn't remember so much about what really transpired, and presents other versions of reality in which I am the villain. So I apologize for that too, just in case. Maybe, I think, I am remembering this incorrectly, or maybe difficult child daughter needs to believe this to heal. Then, we learned this is how difficult child daughter is with everyone. Perhaps she cannot face what happens when she is not doing well and so, she denies responsibility for it. It is heartbreaking to be the mom of a difficult child, whether the issue is addiction or mental illness or whether one causes or exacerbates the other or whatever the situation is. Could not happen on a thread of mine. We are all wondering the same things. Every one of us turns the issue, sees a different aspect of it. I love to see where the threads go, and I learn from those new ways of looking. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
To Tell the Truth
Top