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To young to raise a teen, help!!
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 697316" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Hollie, you have taken on a big task and are doing a great job with few guidelines to help you. You are likely going to need to develop a thicker skin because he is NOT going to like having rules, but he also NEEDS them. I strongly encourage reading Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic. It is a book that really helped my husband and I get on the same page and really helped him step up to parenting. While my husband and I have been married since before our son was born, my husband really didn't do a whole lot of parenting. I did the parenting, set the rules, and if I wasn't home my husband let the kids mostly run wild. Rules were for when mom was home or if mom would throw a fit if she saw a rule wasn't followed while she was gone (like the kids using almost a pound of butter to spread all over the table to see how much it would take to cover that size of an area with butter - a 'science' experiment encouraged by their grandfather who is a science teacher but didn't fully understand that they meant to spread butter all over the table. My husband was on the computer in the other room while the kids did this, arrrrgggghhhhh!). But by the time my son was a teen, I couldn't keep doing all the parenting. My husband HAD to jump in at the deep end and do more actual parenting and less babysitting type parenting. Our son had some real problems by then and my body was just worn out from dealing with his problems, my health problems, and our other 2 children and their problems mostly with-o any help. I just couldn't do it any longer. So a lot got turned over to him and that book was a HUGE help at getting him to see the why's and the practical how's of parenting. I highly recommend it and many libraries will have it. Your brother's school counselor or school library may even be able to loan a copy to you.</p><p></p><p>Don't let him get away with whining and hating on you. Those are manipulative and beneath him. Call him on them and tell him that he has to accept your rules because he is a minor child living in your home. If you feel bad over setting rules, do what you can to hide that from him. </p><p></p><p>Please talk to your counselor to see if adding medication to your therapy would be a good idea. Sometimes when a big stressor is added to your life it takes a toll on you. Adding a medication like an antidepressant can help. it doesn't mean you need it forever. many people only need them for a few months and then they adjust to the new demands and can function well without them. I am one of them. I have taken them for short periods (a couple of months) when things got to be too much and counseling just wasn't enough. I was able to learn my personal 'tells' for depression and if they start up, I go for medications instead. For me the big sign that I need help is wanting a cigarette. I only ever want to smoke when I am depressed. I have found that I just stop smoking when I fix the depression, and now instead of smoking I just realize I need a little extra help and I ask for it. This is just a suggestion, of course. </p><p></p><p>Pushing your brother to get to know his father is a great thing. Kids need both parents, and esp if he hasn't known his father, and his father is a good man, it is important that he have his father in his life. he may hate on you now for insisting on this, but when he grows up he will thank you. I know - my son used to swear he would hate me forever for insisting he do things, but now my son is your age. We are close, and he has told me several times that he truly appreciates all the ways we fought for him even when that meant fighting him to get him to do what he really needed to do. He sees his friends with kids or friends who are messed up because their parents didn't act like parents and he appreciates how hard it was for us to fight for what was best for him. </p><p></p><p>Don't take your brother disliking you for insisting he do more than just play all day as a personal thing. It is actually developmentally normal for a teen to dislike a parent. Something about learning to be an individual and to grow into adulthood makes it important for a teen to pull away from parental figures. Parenting teens is probably the hardest part of parenting, and I am sorry that you are having to jump into parenthood this way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 697316, member: 1233"] Hollie, you have taken on a big task and are doing a great job with few guidelines to help you. You are likely going to need to develop a thicker skin because he is NOT going to like having rules, but he also NEEDS them. I strongly encourage reading Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic. It is a book that really helped my husband and I get on the same page and really helped him step up to parenting. While my husband and I have been married since before our son was born, my husband really didn't do a whole lot of parenting. I did the parenting, set the rules, and if I wasn't home my husband let the kids mostly run wild. Rules were for when mom was home or if mom would throw a fit if she saw a rule wasn't followed while she was gone (like the kids using almost a pound of butter to spread all over the table to see how much it would take to cover that size of an area with butter - a 'science' experiment encouraged by their grandfather who is a science teacher but didn't fully understand that they meant to spread butter all over the table. My husband was on the computer in the other room while the kids did this, arrrrgggghhhhh!). But by the time my son was a teen, I couldn't keep doing all the parenting. My husband HAD to jump in at the deep end and do more actual parenting and less babysitting type parenting. Our son had some real problems by then and my body was just worn out from dealing with his problems, my health problems, and our other 2 children and their problems mostly with-o any help. I just couldn't do it any longer. So a lot got turned over to him and that book was a HUGE help at getting him to see the why's and the practical how's of parenting. I highly recommend it and many libraries will have it. Your brother's school counselor or school library may even be able to loan a copy to you. Don't let him get away with whining and hating on you. Those are manipulative and beneath him. Call him on them and tell him that he has to accept your rules because he is a minor child living in your home. If you feel bad over setting rules, do what you can to hide that from him. Please talk to your counselor to see if adding medication to your therapy would be a good idea. Sometimes when a big stressor is added to your life it takes a toll on you. Adding a medication like an antidepressant can help. it doesn't mean you need it forever. many people only need them for a few months and then they adjust to the new demands and can function well without them. I am one of them. I have taken them for short periods (a couple of months) when things got to be too much and counseling just wasn't enough. I was able to learn my personal 'tells' for depression and if they start up, I go for medications instead. For me the big sign that I need help is wanting a cigarette. I only ever want to smoke when I am depressed. I have found that I just stop smoking when I fix the depression, and now instead of smoking I just realize I need a little extra help and I ask for it. This is just a suggestion, of course. Pushing your brother to get to know his father is a great thing. Kids need both parents, and esp if he hasn't known his father, and his father is a good man, it is important that he have his father in his life. he may hate on you now for insisting on this, but when he grows up he will thank you. I know - my son used to swear he would hate me forever for insisting he do things, but now my son is your age. We are close, and he has told me several times that he truly appreciates all the ways we fought for him even when that meant fighting him to get him to do what he really needed to do. He sees his friends with kids or friends who are messed up because their parents didn't act like parents and he appreciates how hard it was for us to fight for what was best for him. Don't take your brother disliking you for insisting he do more than just play all day as a personal thing. It is actually developmentally normal for a teen to dislike a parent. Something about learning to be an individual and to grow into adulthood makes it important for a teen to pull away from parental figures. Parenting teens is probably the hardest part of parenting, and I am sorry that you are having to jump into parenthood this way. [/QUOTE]
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