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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 364426" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Thanks. You are totally right. I tend to stew over problems, esp if someone has berated me or accused me of blatantly false things. Since I was a small child I have had a very hard time emotionally if fights were going on. It has been held up as a shortcoming of mine many times.</p><p></p><p>I am making a strong, determined effort to NOT do this. If I find myself puzzling over it I change what I am telling myself as soon as I realize it. I do let the kids and husband vent to me about it. In many ways gfgbro's accusations are exactly what happens when you point a finger at someone else - even more fingers point at you.</p><p></p><p>I CAN see how bro misconstrued facial expressions of mine. He has many strong Aspie traits. </p><p></p><p>I can also identify the parts of all of this that bugs me the most. One is that he doesn't behave around my kids. Totally unacceptable. The other is that for every thing he accuses me of, esp holding grudges, he brings up things I have done years ago. The thing that bugs me the most about my mom is that she never says it is wrong for HIM to do it, but I cannot even have memories to share, good or bad.</p><p></p><p>I do a LOT better with an issue once I figure out exactly what MY biggest problems are with it. In the past I would write letters and try to have talks with my mom and gfgbro trying to explain, to ask forgiveness and even to ask for help changing. Most every therapist we have ever seen has tried to show me that it is not a healthy relationship. Even ones who only treat the kids end up bringing gfguncle (guncle?) to me when we are talking separately from the kids. Several even brought up my mom's part in this and other unhealthy things she does.</p><p></p><p>This time I am not writing letters to them. Ones to send or not send (often I used to write them and not mail them because I couldn't figure out how to write one that did not have them nitpicking every detail to say that it is all wrong. </p><p></p><p>I am working on ME so that I can finally start to heal from this. I am ready for my mom to cry at me. Even for my gfgbro to try to push his way into my home. I have a safety plan because he HAS tried things in the past. </p><p></p><p>My dad tries to ignore the koi. He will get upset with me long about either Mom's birthday or Christmas because I am "making her cry" because she cannot have her kids together to celebrate. It will hurt. It also won't work this time. I have promised husband.</p><p></p><p>I am at the point that I don't cry over this. Boy did I. I problem will in the future, esp as I process all of the patterns and learn new ones. I did not say TRY to learn new ones. Cause I am NOT going to TRY. I am going to be a Nike and "just do it".</p><p></p><p>You are SOOO right about these patterns being taught by my parents, and about their unwillingness to change. They have not stopped learning and in fact may be able to grasp this and adjust with-o too much fuss. Pigs fly while peeing grape jelly too.</p><p></p><p>In the long run my family will be much healthier for this. If my parents and gfgbro and other relatives cannot become healthier it is not my problem. </p><p></p><p>I just hope and pray that my kids learn healthier ways to cope along with me. I think they will!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 364426, member: 1233"] Thanks. You are totally right. I tend to stew over problems, esp if someone has berated me or accused me of blatantly false things. Since I was a small child I have had a very hard time emotionally if fights were going on. It has been held up as a shortcoming of mine many times. I am making a strong, determined effort to NOT do this. If I find myself puzzling over it I change what I am telling myself as soon as I realize it. I do let the kids and husband vent to me about it. In many ways gfgbro's accusations are exactly what happens when you point a finger at someone else - even more fingers point at you. I CAN see how bro misconstrued facial expressions of mine. He has many strong Aspie traits. I can also identify the parts of all of this that bugs me the most. One is that he doesn't behave around my kids. Totally unacceptable. The other is that for every thing he accuses me of, esp holding grudges, he brings up things I have done years ago. The thing that bugs me the most about my mom is that she never says it is wrong for HIM to do it, but I cannot even have memories to share, good or bad. I do a LOT better with an issue once I figure out exactly what MY biggest problems are with it. In the past I would write letters and try to have talks with my mom and gfgbro trying to explain, to ask forgiveness and even to ask for help changing. Most every therapist we have ever seen has tried to show me that it is not a healthy relationship. Even ones who only treat the kids end up bringing gfguncle (guncle?) to me when we are talking separately from the kids. Several even brought up my mom's part in this and other unhealthy things she does. This time I am not writing letters to them. Ones to send or not send (often I used to write them and not mail them because I couldn't figure out how to write one that did not have them nitpicking every detail to say that it is all wrong. I am working on ME so that I can finally start to heal from this. I am ready for my mom to cry at me. Even for my gfgbro to try to push his way into my home. I have a safety plan because he HAS tried things in the past. My dad tries to ignore the koi. He will get upset with me long about either Mom's birthday or Christmas because I am "making her cry" because she cannot have her kids together to celebrate. It will hurt. It also won't work this time. I have promised husband. I am at the point that I don't cry over this. Boy did I. I problem will in the future, esp as I process all of the patterns and learn new ones. I did not say TRY to learn new ones. Cause I am NOT going to TRY. I am going to be a Nike and "just do it". You are SOOO right about these patterns being taught by my parents, and about their unwillingness to change. They have not stopped learning and in fact may be able to grasp this and adjust with-o too much fuss. Pigs fly while peeing grape jelly too. In the long run my family will be much healthier for this. If my parents and gfgbro and other relatives cannot become healthier it is not my problem. I just hope and pray that my kids learn healthier ways to cope along with me. I think they will! [/QUOTE]
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