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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 228587" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>I think one thing that a lot of us do is forget to move things up from one basket to the other. It really is supposed to be that once one issue is resolved, something from Basket B is moved to A and so on down the line.</p><p> </p><p>Sadly, it really is easier to give in to prevent the meltdowns than stand firm. One of the first things I worked on were my daughter's meltdowns. It took almost 2 years but I did get her from 4-hour rages to 2-minute temper tantrums. Those I just ignored. Stopping the rages was not easy and I would sit in tears many times. For me, it was taking her into her room and holding the door shut from the opposite side of the door so she couldn't get out. She would kick, scream, throw things (I'd removed everything breakable after second rage) for hours. I would not respond as long as she was making noise. If she quieted down, I would open the door and ask her if she was ready to do whatever had been asked of her. This frequently brought on a new rage, so back to the closed door I would go. It was hard. I really wanted to go in and hold my baby and tell her the world would be good to her but that would have been a huge disservice to her.</p><p> </p><p>For Tink, it is a new year and she is getting to be a big girl. It is time she started learning the world doesn't revolve around her, not even her mommy's world. For my daughter, I would schedule play dates for the two of us. That was 100&#37; her time and nothing barring a true life and death emergency would be allowed to interfere. I wouldn't even answer the phone during this period. However, for that play date, she had to give me an hour where she played alone and did not bother me unless she was bleeding. Every interruption of my time was 5 minutes of lost time of our time. It wasn't easy to stand firm since I let her into my world nonstop for 3 years but it was necessary for her own survival as she grew.</p><p> </p><p>Choices are crucial and sometimes the choices are between the lesser of two evils. Pick a toy and go to your room and play quietly or go sit on your bed and do nothing are not choices a kid wants to hear but sometimes those would be the options I gave my daughter. When she refused and I forcibly took her to her room, the rage would start. It took a good 6 months for her to understand those were her only choices but she did finally get it.</p><p> </p><p>It really isn't easy to change old habits and, right now, both you and Tink are in those habits. I think most parents with raging children falls into this rut. It is easier to let the child basically run the house than put up with the pain of the rages. The worst of it is, as you try to stop them, the rages will increase and so will other undesirable behavior. However, you do have to let her become the little girl and you the mom. The only way to do it is to tough through the hard times and, trust me, they will be hard times. She will escalate every bad trick she can come up with. You're going to be tougher, smarter and trickier. The end result will be worth it, though. She'll end up a better, stronger and more rounded young lady. That was the only thing that kept me going when the rages, etc. got worse. I'd just keep reminding myself that the goal wasn't for today but rather for when she was older. The lesson would be far less traumatic for my child when she was young than learning in her late teens that the world didn't care what she wanted and that having major temper tantrums only got you ostracized from society.</p><p> </p><p>You can't change everything at once. It really is one battle at a time. When you get one or two things at least semi-solved, then you bring up something from Basket B to A and work on it. If you're lucky, it will only take you a few years to change all the old patterns. Remember, she isn't the only one who has to change. So do you. Today's patterns are as much a part of you as they are her. The difference is you can see the harm the patterns are doing, all she can see is that she is getting what she wants.</p><p> </p><p>Good luck and remember we'll be here to help when it gets really ugly.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 228587, member: 3626"] I think one thing that a lot of us do is forget to move things up from one basket to the other. It really is supposed to be that once one issue is resolved, something from Basket B is moved to A and so on down the line. Sadly, it really is easier to give in to prevent the meltdowns than stand firm. One of the first things I worked on were my daughter's meltdowns. It took almost 2 years but I did get her from 4-hour rages to 2-minute temper tantrums. Those I just ignored. Stopping the rages was not easy and I would sit in tears many times. For me, it was taking her into her room and holding the door shut from the opposite side of the door so she couldn't get out. She would kick, scream, throw things (I'd removed everything breakable after second rage) for hours. I would not respond as long as she was making noise. If she quieted down, I would open the door and ask her if she was ready to do whatever had been asked of her. This frequently brought on a new rage, so back to the closed door I would go. It was hard. I really wanted to go in and hold my baby and tell her the world would be good to her but that would have been a huge disservice to her. For Tink, it is a new year and she is getting to be a big girl. It is time she started learning the world doesn't revolve around her, not even her mommy's world. For my daughter, I would schedule play dates for the two of us. That was 100% her time and nothing barring a true life and death emergency would be allowed to interfere. I wouldn't even answer the phone during this period. However, for that play date, she had to give me an hour where she played alone and did not bother me unless she was bleeding. Every interruption of my time was 5 minutes of lost time of our time. It wasn't easy to stand firm since I let her into my world nonstop for 3 years but it was necessary for her own survival as she grew. Choices are crucial and sometimes the choices are between the lesser of two evils. Pick a toy and go to your room and play quietly or go sit on your bed and do nothing are not choices a kid wants to hear but sometimes those would be the options I gave my daughter. When she refused and I forcibly took her to her room, the rage would start. It took a good 6 months for her to understand those were her only choices but she did finally get it. It really isn't easy to change old habits and, right now, both you and Tink are in those habits. I think most parents with raging children falls into this rut. It is easier to let the child basically run the house than put up with the pain of the rages. The worst of it is, as you try to stop them, the rages will increase and so will other undesirable behavior. However, you do have to let her become the little girl and you the mom. The only way to do it is to tough through the hard times and, trust me, they will be hard times. She will escalate every bad trick she can come up with. You're going to be tougher, smarter and trickier. The end result will be worth it, though. She'll end up a better, stronger and more rounded young lady. That was the only thing that kept me going when the rages, etc. got worse. I'd just keep reminding myself that the goal wasn't for today but rather for when she was older. The lesson would be far less traumatic for my child when she was young than learning in her late teens that the world didn't care what she wanted and that having major temper tantrums only got you ostracized from society. You can't change everything at once. It really is one battle at a time. When you get one or two things at least semi-solved, then you bring up something from Basket B to A and work on it. If you're lucky, it will only take you a few years to change all the old patterns. Remember, she isn't the only one who has to change. So do you. Today's patterns are as much a part of you as they are her. The difference is you can see the harm the patterns are doing, all she can see is that she is getting what she wants. Good luck and remember we'll be here to help when it gets really ugly. [/QUOTE]
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