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General Parenting
Totally drowning as a parent
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 729830" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is a boundaries issue.</p><p></p><p>Until our kids are mature and strong enough, conscious and sufficiently well-controlled, in themselves and the world--they depend on us, their parents to maintain boundaries to protect them. Even when we no longer can. Part of the reason CD flourishes is that so many of us struggle in this responsibility far longer than should be age appropriate.</p><p></p><p>As toddlers we restrained them from running into the street. We contained them with playpens. As they get older the nature of the boundaries changes. But we stil are called upon to hold the line. At least as long as we are legally responsible.</p><p></p><p>There are times when nothing we do can make them safe with us. And the action we must take is selfless and against what we would want or others feel we should do.</p><p></p><p>This is the set up of bringing son home. With one fell swoop any safe container vanishes. For son, you, daughter. You know this. There is no way all the responsibility (and potential culpability) should be placed on your son. The situation will trigger him. Will trigger your daughter. Will trigger you. For no good reason. Why go there? For what?</p><p></p><p>There is history that cannot be erased. His, hers, yours, younger son's. It can be integrated and dealt with. Over time. But re-immersion to me is not the answer. Not at home where there are triggers but no safeties or stops.</p><p></p><p>That is cruel to him. It would be the situation which would be culpable. But your son would be the fall guy.</p><p></p><p>I would resist it with all my might. For him. Most of all.</p><p></p><p>We are responsible in the last resort to maintain them safe. That is what your intuition is telling you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 729830, member: 18958"] This is a boundaries issue. Until our kids are mature and strong enough, conscious and sufficiently well-controlled, in themselves and the world--they depend on us, their parents to maintain boundaries to protect them. Even when we no longer can. Part of the reason CD flourishes is that so many of us struggle in this responsibility far longer than should be age appropriate. As toddlers we restrained them from running into the street. We contained them with playpens. As they get older the nature of the boundaries changes. But we stil are called upon to hold the line. At least as long as we are legally responsible. There are times when nothing we do can make them safe with us. And the action we must take is selfless and against what we would want or others feel we should do. This is the set up of bringing son home. With one fell swoop any safe container vanishes. For son, you, daughter. You know this. There is no way all the responsibility (and potential culpability) should be placed on your son. The situation will trigger him. Will trigger your daughter. Will trigger you. For no good reason. Why go there? For what? There is history that cannot be erased. His, hers, yours, younger son's. It can be integrated and dealt with. Over time. But re-immersion to me is not the answer. Not at home where there are triggers but no safeties or stops. That is cruel to him. It would be the situation which would be culpable. But your son would be the fall guy. I would resist it with all my might. For him. Most of all. We are responsible in the last resort to maintain them safe. That is what your intuition is telling you. [/QUOTE]
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