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General Parenting
tragedy, grief and the difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="jbrain" data-source="post: 73416" data-attributes="member: 3450"><p>Hi,</p><p>sending my condolences to your family, especially the children. My kids' dad died when they were 12, 8 and 5. They all reacted differently to the news (it was not totally unexpected but we had hoped til the end that he would pull through--he was sick for quite some time). My son (12) was very involved in the arrangements and got a lot of comfort out of contact with his relatives. My dtr (8) heard the news and ran out to play with a friend. My other dtr (5) sobbed hysterically. The 8 yr old, who is difficult child 1, had a very rough time--she was very close to her dad. I think she is still looking for a guy to replace him with (she is 19). The other dtr is now 16--she feels cheated, that she didn't get to know her dad as well as the others and she doesn't remember him very well. My son has not shown any outward signs of grieving since the funeral. He was embarrassed to tell anyone about his dad dieing and he has never talked about it. He did say once that he felt all alone after his dad died.</p><p></p><p>From what my own therapist told me, children grieve differently than adults. They have to revisit it as they grow--there isn't a finality to it--like a process that they go through and then they are done. I have seen this with difficult child 2. She seemed to grieve in a healthy way when her dad died but she has now had to go through it again as a teen. She needed me to tell her the whole story again because her understanding is so different now. I couldn't explain things to her when she was 5 that I can explain to her now.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, I am so sorry for this shocking news and send my best to you and the kids.</p><p></p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jbrain, post: 73416, member: 3450"] Hi, sending my condolences to your family, especially the children. My kids' dad died when they were 12, 8 and 5. They all reacted differently to the news (it was not totally unexpected but we had hoped til the end that he would pull through--he was sick for quite some time). My son (12) was very involved in the arrangements and got a lot of comfort out of contact with his relatives. My dtr (8) heard the news and ran out to play with a friend. My other dtr (5) sobbed hysterically. The 8 yr old, who is difficult child 1, had a very rough time--she was very close to her dad. I think she is still looking for a guy to replace him with (she is 19). The other dtr is now 16--she feels cheated, that she didn't get to know her dad as well as the others and she doesn't remember him very well. My son has not shown any outward signs of grieving since the funeral. He was embarrassed to tell anyone about his dad dieing and he has never talked about it. He did say once that he felt all alone after his dad died. From what my own therapist told me, children grieve differently than adults. They have to revisit it as they grow--there isn't a finality to it--like a process that they go through and then they are done. I have seen this with difficult child 2. She seemed to grieve in a healthy way when her dad died but she has now had to go through it again as a teen. She needed me to tell her the whole story again because her understanding is so different now. I couldn't explain things to her when she was 5 that I can explain to her now. Anyway, I am so sorry for this shocking news and send my best to you and the kids. Jane [/QUOTE]
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