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Transitioning: childhood to adulthood+ - a repost
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 60140" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p>Originally Posted By: KFld</p><p>when a situation arises, don't make a decision right then and there. It's o.k. to tell her you will discuss it and get back to her, then do just that. Once she sees both of you as a united front it will have a much bigger impact.</p><p></p><p>This is key, in my opinion, and it works when you can put it into practice or remember to...lol. The first problem I have is that H falls asleep at 9PM and inevitably things hit the fan after that, and I am the only one awake. I know I can say something like, "difficult child, go to bed and after I discuss this with H in the morning, we'll talk." I have done this in the past and here is what happens just about everytime...H and I will wake up and be having coffee and I will tell him about whatever it is that happened and we'll discuss is like normal rational people. Then difficult child will get up and come out to the kitchen and H will just go off like a rocket...barraging her with questions and rotten comments and basically call her a name or two in there as well. So, instead of us providing a united front, H is on a full scale verbal assault against difficult child and in my opinion that is not conducive to anything good coming out of this. There is no discussion, difficult child either fights back and it only gets worse or she retreats, berates herself, gives the icy stare, and wants to leave and *possibly* hurt herself. Then, I may ask H why we couldn't just sit down with difficult child and talk and then he's screaming at me and telling me how I shouldn't bother telling him anything if I don't like the way he handles it. I remind him that I wasn't looking for HIM to "handle it". I was looking to be able to sit together and talk with difficult child calmly about things and be a partnership in matters. He rolls his eyes, tells me I am F*-ed up and leaves. Or....it could go another way. H and I will wake up, I will let him know what happened and ask him if we can decide on what difficult child's consequences should be and he tells me something along the lines of, "I don't know what you want ME to do - she doesn't listen to anyone. She's just like her father." Ugh. So, we've gotten where we are because it's easier for me to just handle things without his being a part of it but the thing is that if I go away for a day or so, I come back to complete chaos. H either wants to dominate or throw up his hands and give up.</p><p></p><p>I have been taking steps back from her and allowing her the space to be more independent. Each time I do that, she's good for a while and then the crud hits the fan and she ends up in a downward spiral. The counselor she has right now is really good I think. difficult child has an appointment next week to meet with the psychiatrist and *hopefully* we will get an official diagnosis soon. I want to know if she is truly bipolar or not.</p><p></p><p>There is a large part of me that believes she is, but I do have these niggling thoughts that she is also the mistress of manipulation with a little lazy thrown in for good measure. 10 years of dealing with her behaviors and having DR's tell us that we need to make all these outrageous accomodations is just really seeming to be a big mistake. I feel like such an old person when I say this, but back in my day, there were no such things as 'accomodations' for any students unless you had a severe handicap and the mentally disabled had their own classrooms. I am doubting that difficult child is incapable of doing everything that anyone else can. The problem is that I feel we've accomodated her so much that now she likely doesn't feel like she should be expected to pull her own weight and be responsible to anyone but herself. When people ask her what her hobbies are she says "Sleeping and Napping". Huh!</p><p></p><p>So, while I agree about H and I getting the opportunity to discuss before we react, it's the reacting part that grates me. I grew up with a tyrant of a mother and her methodology in parenting her kids was to berate and dictate. And that's what H's reactions remind me of. I refuse to go along with that. I don't think that I'm too easy on difficult child, in fact, there are times when H thinks I'M being unreasonable in my expectations. But I hate the yelling and berating and I think it's humiliating. I really do. I remember it well. on the other hand, I did tell H and difficult child that I cannot be responsible for their relationship. The other day in counseling I reminded difficult child that H is not ALL bad and has been a very good father to her, drove her to school for 2 years straight, taught her how to drive, pitch, be goalie, ride a bike, provided a nice home for her and helped clothe and feed her, supported her, helped her with her math and ss assignments since forever, and the list goes on. I also told her that he has a right to reprimand her and scold her when she's misbehaved and that instead of yelling back, maybe she should just listen and then think about things he's said. I told her that she is just as resonsible in their relationship as he is at this point. difficult child chooses to only remember the things she doesn't like about everyone. H has been in my dds' lives forever, and as a stepdad for nearly 12 years, so it's not like he's a stranger. He may not be perfect, but none of us are. I know he loves my girls like his own and easy child can't say enough good things about having H in our lives. easy child doesn't understand why difficult child has such negative views or why they always manage to hit horns. easy child and H enjoy a very close and loving relationship so I really can't help but think it's just one of those oil and water relationships that I can't do anything about. I'm tired of being referee. And I've been taking steps back so I won't be anymore. I think difficult child will eventually move away from us, which worries me but may be a good thing. I just hope she doesn't go live with her dad. Again, I have no control over that either. For now, she's under 18 and she's at our home and I will just continue to do the best I can.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, sorry about the rant. I am thinking out loud. Thanks for your thoughts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 60140, member: 2211"] Originally Posted By: KFld when a situation arises, don't make a decision right then and there. It's o.k. to tell her you will discuss it and get back to her, then do just that. Once she sees both of you as a united front it will have a much bigger impact. This is key, in my opinion, and it works when you can put it into practice or remember to...lol. The first problem I have is that H falls asleep at 9PM and inevitably things hit the fan after that, and I am the only one awake. I know I can say something like, "difficult child, go to bed and after I discuss this with H in the morning, we'll talk." I have done this in the past and here is what happens just about everytime...H and I will wake up and be having coffee and I will tell him about whatever it is that happened and we'll discuss is like normal rational people. Then difficult child will get up and come out to the kitchen and H will just go off like a rocket...barraging her with questions and rotten comments and basically call her a name or two in there as well. So, instead of us providing a united front, H is on a full scale verbal assault against difficult child and in my opinion that is not conducive to anything good coming out of this. There is no discussion, difficult child either fights back and it only gets worse or she retreats, berates herself, gives the icy stare, and wants to leave and *possibly* hurt herself. Then, I may ask H why we couldn't just sit down with difficult child and talk and then he's screaming at me and telling me how I shouldn't bother telling him anything if I don't like the way he handles it. I remind him that I wasn't looking for HIM to "handle it". I was looking to be able to sit together and talk with difficult child calmly about things and be a partnership in matters. He rolls his eyes, tells me I am F*-ed up and leaves. Or....it could go another way. H and I will wake up, I will let him know what happened and ask him if we can decide on what difficult child's consequences should be and he tells me something along the lines of, "I don't know what you want ME to do - she doesn't listen to anyone. She's just like her father." Ugh. So, we've gotten where we are because it's easier for me to just handle things without his being a part of it but the thing is that if I go away for a day or so, I come back to complete chaos. H either wants to dominate or throw up his hands and give up. I have been taking steps back from her and allowing her the space to be more independent. Each time I do that, she's good for a while and then the crud hits the fan and she ends up in a downward spiral. The counselor she has right now is really good I think. difficult child has an appointment next week to meet with the psychiatrist and *hopefully* we will get an official diagnosis soon. I want to know if she is truly bipolar or not. There is a large part of me that believes she is, but I do have these niggling thoughts that she is also the mistress of manipulation with a little lazy thrown in for good measure. 10 years of dealing with her behaviors and having DR's tell us that we need to make all these outrageous accomodations is just really seeming to be a big mistake. I feel like such an old person when I say this, but back in my day, there were no such things as 'accomodations' for any students unless you had a severe handicap and the mentally disabled had their own classrooms. I am doubting that difficult child is incapable of doing everything that anyone else can. The problem is that I feel we've accomodated her so much that now she likely doesn't feel like she should be expected to pull her own weight and be responsible to anyone but herself. When people ask her what her hobbies are she says "Sleeping and Napping". Huh! So, while I agree about H and I getting the opportunity to discuss before we react, it's the reacting part that grates me. I grew up with a tyrant of a mother and her methodology in parenting her kids was to berate and dictate. And that's what H's reactions remind me of. I refuse to go along with that. I don't think that I'm too easy on difficult child, in fact, there are times when H thinks I'M being unreasonable in my expectations. But I hate the yelling and berating and I think it's humiliating. I really do. I remember it well. on the other hand, I did tell H and difficult child that I cannot be responsible for their relationship. The other day in counseling I reminded difficult child that H is not ALL bad and has been a very good father to her, drove her to school for 2 years straight, taught her how to drive, pitch, be goalie, ride a bike, provided a nice home for her and helped clothe and feed her, supported her, helped her with her math and ss assignments since forever, and the list goes on. I also told her that he has a right to reprimand her and scold her when she's misbehaved and that instead of yelling back, maybe she should just listen and then think about things he's said. I told her that she is just as resonsible in their relationship as he is at this point. difficult child chooses to only remember the things she doesn't like about everyone. H has been in my dds' lives forever, and as a stepdad for nearly 12 years, so it's not like he's a stranger. He may not be perfect, but none of us are. I know he loves my girls like his own and easy child can't say enough good things about having H in our lives. easy child doesn't understand why difficult child has such negative views or why they always manage to hit horns. easy child and H enjoy a very close and loving relationship so I really can't help but think it's just one of those oil and water relationships that I can't do anything about. I'm tired of being referee. And I've been taking steps back so I won't be anymore. I think difficult child will eventually move away from us, which worries me but may be a good thing. I just hope she doesn't go live with her dad. Again, I have no control over that either. For now, she's under 18 and she's at our home and I will just continue to do the best I can. Anyway, sorry about the rant. I am thinking out loud. Thanks for your thoughts. [/QUOTE]
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