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Trying a new "I'm not available" tact with difficult child 1
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 392690" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Forget battles. She has to deal with her own education, but you are there for support. Forget punishments. However, if it's school hours, then alternative entertainment is not permitted. She MUST engage in education. However, there are many ways in which to do this. Engage her in making some choices. LAy out a range of education options for her.</p><p></p><p>Something we've done - "If you're really feeling that sick, then go to bed and sleep. But if you're awake, then you can read a book or watch an educational DVD while you are wrapped up in a blanket on the couch. I'll make popcorn and watch the film with you."</p><p>It's often a good starting point, especially for osmeone who is feeling sick.</p><p></p><p>Another line she undoubtedly needs - "HOney, life stinks. It's not fair that you feel sick. It really is not fair. But it is even less fair, that you feel too sick to get any work done at all. If/when you finally get better, you will need to pick up again with your education. You will unfortunately be a lot further behind by then, unless you can get some work done now. BEcause you're not well, the workload can be condensed so you can still achieve the same learning outcomes, without having so much to have to do. But I can't do this for you; YOU have to take the reins of your own education, and go for a gallop. Your body might be conspiring against you at the moment but at least you can count on your brain."</p><p></p><p>And a point for you - I've been where your daughter is, health-wise. I remember my mother telling me that nothing turns your brain to mush like real/urinary tract problems. There's something about that nagging, drag-down ache and obsession over each toilet visit, to really take your mind away from study. She will need to do her work in short grabs only. A suggestion from what works for us - we bought a bulk bag of mini-chocolate bars. difficult child 3 earns one mini bar every time he puts in half an hour of constant effort on his work. It's not output-bsed, because I know that all he needs, is the genuine effort.</p><p></p><p>I strongly urge you to involve your daughter in her own education. She needs to know that she has to make a bigger effort because she is ill, and that this is not fair. Not at all. But it doesn't change the fact that every day she gets older without having put in the same amount of work as her healthy classmates, she is falling further behind. But there are a lot of stories of kids who were too sick, who were able to submerge their minds in study and distract themselves from their illness and actually come back to school ahead of the others. But it takes her making the effort. SHE has to know she has to do this; you can help by running work back and forth to the school as and when she completes it. We actually found (share this with her) that even though difficult child 3 was sometimes very ill, he was able to work many times faster at home, and still have time to nap when he needs it. Suggest she break up the tasks into half hour chunks and also plan in rest breaks as well as snack breaks.</p><p></p><p>Kids in hospital get tutors and schoolwork, even if they're dying of cancer. There is no freedom from academia, because the human mind requires stimulation and frankly, needs the chance to learn while you're still young enough to learn fast and well.</p><p></p><p>I hope she can take control herself, and that you can help her feel in control. With so much in her life NOT in her control, she needs to feel ownership somewhere.</p><p></p><p>If you need to, tell her I went through something similar (I was a bit older, I was at uni but I had nobody to care for me, I lived alone) and this was how I coped with the need to look after myself but also get my study done.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 392690, member: 1991"] Forget battles. She has to deal with her own education, but you are there for support. Forget punishments. However, if it's school hours, then alternative entertainment is not permitted. She MUST engage in education. However, there are many ways in which to do this. Engage her in making some choices. LAy out a range of education options for her. Something we've done - "If you're really feeling that sick, then go to bed and sleep. But if you're awake, then you can read a book or watch an educational DVD while you are wrapped up in a blanket on the couch. I'll make popcorn and watch the film with you." It's often a good starting point, especially for osmeone who is feeling sick. Another line she undoubtedly needs - "HOney, life stinks. It's not fair that you feel sick. It really is not fair. But it is even less fair, that you feel too sick to get any work done at all. If/when you finally get better, you will need to pick up again with your education. You will unfortunately be a lot further behind by then, unless you can get some work done now. BEcause you're not well, the workload can be condensed so you can still achieve the same learning outcomes, without having so much to have to do. But I can't do this for you; YOU have to take the reins of your own education, and go for a gallop. Your body might be conspiring against you at the moment but at least you can count on your brain." And a point for you - I've been where your daughter is, health-wise. I remember my mother telling me that nothing turns your brain to mush like real/urinary tract problems. There's something about that nagging, drag-down ache and obsession over each toilet visit, to really take your mind away from study. She will need to do her work in short grabs only. A suggestion from what works for us - we bought a bulk bag of mini-chocolate bars. difficult child 3 earns one mini bar every time he puts in half an hour of constant effort on his work. It's not output-bsed, because I know that all he needs, is the genuine effort. I strongly urge you to involve your daughter in her own education. She needs to know that she has to make a bigger effort because she is ill, and that this is not fair. Not at all. But it doesn't change the fact that every day she gets older without having put in the same amount of work as her healthy classmates, she is falling further behind. But there are a lot of stories of kids who were too sick, who were able to submerge their minds in study and distract themselves from their illness and actually come back to school ahead of the others. But it takes her making the effort. SHE has to know she has to do this; you can help by running work back and forth to the school as and when she completes it. We actually found (share this with her) that even though difficult child 3 was sometimes very ill, he was able to work many times faster at home, and still have time to nap when he needs it. Suggest she break up the tasks into half hour chunks and also plan in rest breaks as well as snack breaks. Kids in hospital get tutors and schoolwork, even if they're dying of cancer. There is no freedom from academia, because the human mind requires stimulation and frankly, needs the chance to learn while you're still young enough to learn fast and well. I hope she can take control herself, and that you can help her feel in control. With so much in her life NOT in her control, she needs to feel ownership somewhere. If you need to, tell her I went through something similar (I was a bit older, I was at uni but I had nobody to care for me, I lived alone) and this was how I coped with the need to look after myself but also get my study done. Marg Marg [/QUOTE]
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