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Parent Emeritus
Trying to back off, mostly succeeding
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<blockquote data-quote="startingfresh" data-source="post: 752749" data-attributes="member: 22380"><p>Ann, I read your last post and can relate. I am sorry for the ruined birthday lunch and more the disappointment you feel. So many times I have experienced this. I have promised myself more times than I can count, that I will never put myself in that position again. Never, never , never. The feelings are overwhelming after such a lunch as you had. Then, slowly my son does so well and seems happy and adjusted and I think, we should invite him to enjoy this with us. And bam its too much for him and he isn't pleasant and we get upset and on an on we go. I think of how silly it is to have to "prep" our son for an upcoming event. Giving my son space and letting him go is something that I struggle with everyday. We had a extended family dinner a few years back that we made our son go to about an hour from home. He agreed to come without any complaint but then as we drove in circles looking for a spot downtown, he started in with how much he didn't want to be there, how we forced him, how awful we were etc etc. He came in to the restaurant , sat there long enough looking ANGRY to have the entire extended family wonder what the heck was wrong with him. Then he stormed off and later I found out took an uber home. (must have cost him a fortune that he didn't have) I had no choice but to sit there throughout this family celebration and pretend all was ok. I have other children who deserve a good time. That trapped feeling is one I think I need to work through. Faking like all is well when your heart is shredded is awful. </p><p></p><p>We have experienced ruined vacations with this type of stuff. I could go on and on. What hits me now is that my son has gotten so much better and I get tempted to take a family vacation, etc. We were just talking about inviting him to a college football game this weekend as old friends of his will be there. Its like the old dream of what should be and maybe could be still lurks in my mind, although he has shown me a million times otherwise. I see him doing so much better in his life and I just want to keep pushing. If I had given up back in the darkest darks where would he be. The line between not enabling but being supportive and helping is a fine one. </p><p></p><p>Anyhow, I didn't mean to make this about me. I just wanted to let you know I understand and am sorry for your pain.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="startingfresh, post: 752749, member: 22380"] Ann, I read your last post and can relate. I am sorry for the ruined birthday lunch and more the disappointment you feel. So many times I have experienced this. I have promised myself more times than I can count, that I will never put myself in that position again. Never, never , never. The feelings are overwhelming after such a lunch as you had. Then, slowly my son does so well and seems happy and adjusted and I think, we should invite him to enjoy this with us. And bam its too much for him and he isn't pleasant and we get upset and on an on we go. I think of how silly it is to have to "prep" our son for an upcoming event. Giving my son space and letting him go is something that I struggle with everyday. We had a extended family dinner a few years back that we made our son go to about an hour from home. He agreed to come without any complaint but then as we drove in circles looking for a spot downtown, he started in with how much he didn't want to be there, how we forced him, how awful we were etc etc. He came in to the restaurant , sat there long enough looking ANGRY to have the entire extended family wonder what the heck was wrong with him. Then he stormed off and later I found out took an uber home. (must have cost him a fortune that he didn't have) I had no choice but to sit there throughout this family celebration and pretend all was ok. I have other children who deserve a good time. That trapped feeling is one I think I need to work through. Faking like all is well when your heart is shredded is awful. We have experienced ruined vacations with this type of stuff. I could go on and on. What hits me now is that my son has gotten so much better and I get tempted to take a family vacation, etc. We were just talking about inviting him to a college football game this weekend as old friends of his will be there. Its like the old dream of what should be and maybe could be still lurks in my mind, although he has shown me a million times otherwise. I see him doing so much better in his life and I just want to keep pushing. If I had given up back in the darkest darks where would he be. The line between not enabling but being supportive and helping is a fine one. Anyhow, I didn't mean to make this about me. I just wanted to let you know I understand and am sorry for your pain. [/QUOTE]
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