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Trying to do the right thing - but mentally exhausted
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 731378" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome bun.</p><p></p><p>There are many similarities in our stories. My son is now 29. It became bad when my son was 19. Eventually he began heavy use of marijuana.</p><p></p><p>He was in college but began failing everything in his second year. I kept pushing him to achieve something, do something. He did complete a couple of trainings and did hold a job for 15 months, but quit, depressed. But would not seek treatment. I kicked him out when he was 23. I would not accept not seeking treatment.</p><p></p><p>Eventually he got ssi for mental illness. Mood disorder. Social phobia. Etc. He lived with other people and was for a time homeless.</p><p></p><p>For most of the past 2 plus years he has either lived in another home I own or with me. Now he is here.</p><p></p><p>Here is what I believe after a decade of this.</p><p></p><p>This is not about my son. It is about me.</p><p></p><p>There is no one size fits all.</p><p></p><p>The prevailing wisdom of this site is detachment. You will find an article on another forum which describes it. There is a great deal of wisdom in the approach. But it is just that. We have to find a way to live it which is consistent with who we are, want to be and our kids' uniqueness.</p><p></p><p>We cannot and should not live another person's life. You learned this early. It took me a long time.</p><p></p><p>But i was not willing to let my son completely fall to the bottom without a safety net. I just will not do it. Everybody makes a different choice. And we are free to keep deciding (differently) over and over again.</p><p></p><p>My son lies too. He sees this is self protective. If he tells the truth he thinks I will throw him out. I understand that I am responsible in large part for this power dynamic. We are both works in progress.</p><p></p><p>You are clear about red flags: the money, from where?. The suicide threats. The self indulgence. Like in the restaurant. Being spoilt. Sleeping all day. Lies. Etc.</p><p></p><p>I will be blunt. You have a role in each of these behaviors. You can respond. You are the authority in your home. You decide what you tolerate.</p><p></p><p>Calling 911 any time he makes a threat. Insisting he be gone from the house during work hours, changing locks as necessary. Insisting on drug testing. Setting a date by when he needs to become independent and move out, and supporting him to reach this goal. Telling him and curbing unacceptable behaviors. (phone at dinner.)</p><p></p><p>Do you pay for his car insurance, gas? Whose car is it? (Cars are risky, especially in your name.) Do you pay for college? Does he work?</p><p></p><p>If you fear he may be doing illegal things to get money, I would think about asking him to leave sooner than later. How can you live with that kind of risk? Do you feel comfortable sustaining a lifestyle like that?</p><p></p><p>Each of these things parents on this site have considered or in fact done. Each action is something over which you have control. There is no guarantee that any one thing will work to help your son. But the key thing we learn is to help ourselves.</p><p></p><p>You and your family are fundamentally important. Not just your son.</p><p></p><p>I hope you keep posting. It helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 731378, member: 18958"] Welcome bun. There are many similarities in our stories. My son is now 29. It became bad when my son was 19. Eventually he began heavy use of marijuana. He was in college but began failing everything in his second year. I kept pushing him to achieve something, do something. He did complete a couple of trainings and did hold a job for 15 months, but quit, depressed. But would not seek treatment. I kicked him out when he was 23. I would not accept not seeking treatment. Eventually he got ssi for mental illness. Mood disorder. Social phobia. Etc. He lived with other people and was for a time homeless. For most of the past 2 plus years he has either lived in another home I own or with me. Now he is here. Here is what I believe after a decade of this. This is not about my son. It is about me. There is no one size fits all. The prevailing wisdom of this site is detachment. You will find an article on another forum which describes it. There is a great deal of wisdom in the approach. But it is just that. We have to find a way to live it which is consistent with who we are, want to be and our kids' uniqueness. We cannot and should not live another person's life. You learned this early. It took me a long time. But i was not willing to let my son completely fall to the bottom without a safety net. I just will not do it. Everybody makes a different choice. And we are free to keep deciding (differently) over and over again. My son lies too. He sees this is self protective. If he tells the truth he thinks I will throw him out. I understand that I am responsible in large part for this power dynamic. We are both works in progress. You are clear about red flags: the money, from where?. The suicide threats. The self indulgence. Like in the restaurant. Being spoilt. Sleeping all day. Lies. Etc. I will be blunt. You have a role in each of these behaviors. You can respond. You are the authority in your home. You decide what you tolerate. Calling 911 any time he makes a threat. Insisting he be gone from the house during work hours, changing locks as necessary. Insisting on drug testing. Setting a date by when he needs to become independent and move out, and supporting him to reach this goal. Telling him and curbing unacceptable behaviors. (phone at dinner.) Do you pay for his car insurance, gas? Whose car is it? (Cars are risky, especially in your name.) Do you pay for college? Does he work? If you fear he may be doing illegal things to get money, I would think about asking him to leave sooner than later. How can you live with that kind of risk? Do you feel comfortable sustaining a lifestyle like that? Each of these things parents on this site have considered or in fact done. Each action is something over which you have control. There is no guarantee that any one thing will work to help your son. But the key thing we learn is to help ourselves. You and your family are fundamentally important. Not just your son. I hope you keep posting. It helps. [/QUOTE]
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