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Parent Emeritus
Trying to do the right thing - but mentally exhausted
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 731417" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi bun.</p><p></p><p>A few thoughts as I am on the way out.</p><p></p><p>First. All of us have been isolated and alone. Even with family and friends, nobody really gets it except the people here who live it. Often people judge us and gossip. That happened with us. That I was an inadequate parent. I may well be l. But that does not mean I will not fight for my child and myself.</p><p></p><p>There is intense shame.</p><p></p><p>We cannot love them in the same way as before. At least outwardly. This is a kind of warfare. Almost a spiritual battle. We have to pick a side. Your son on drugs (and I include pot here) is not your beloved boy. As long as we are cuddly with them while they are on this path, we are enabling their demons, their antisocial tendencies, their living in an altered consciousness and moral universe.</p><p></p><p>I know I sound like a nutcase. I am a highly educated, professional person, a worldly woman. But I had to face the nature of the threat I am dealing with. Of course your situation may be different. But in our case, I had to take an all or nothing stand.</p><p></p><p>As far as persuasion, such as showing him the article, in my experience, this did not work. They cannot be persuaded. Even by their own suffering, until they choose this.</p><p></p><p>It is hard to say this but we cannot act towards them as allies because they are not all there. The integrity, caring, empathy, responsibility that we molded in them, is in us, not them. For now. They will only use our best nature to manipulate. Not because they are bad. But because they are lost. That is why they need us to stand up. To remind them who and what they are.</p><p></p><p>Oh I have such empathy for you with respect to the dread and fear of repeating family of origin issues. Trauma. Conflict. Secrecy. Betrayal.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately in my experience, you may be there already, but you are eating it, stifling it, denying it, with the hope it will disappear or be smoothed over</p><p></p><p>None of us wanted this. But nevertheless it showed up at our door. It will not go away without being dealt with.</p><p></p><p>Of course you feel weak and afraid. Who would not? But that is not who you are. You are your decisions and your acts. You are your love. Your responsibility.</p><p></p><p>That person is there. You see. We have to remember who we are, too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 731417, member: 18958"] Hi bun. A few thoughts as I am on the way out. First. All of us have been isolated and alone. Even with family and friends, nobody really gets it except the people here who live it. Often people judge us and gossip. That happened with us. That I was an inadequate parent. I may well be l. But that does not mean I will not fight for my child and myself. There is intense shame. We cannot love them in the same way as before. At least outwardly. This is a kind of warfare. Almost a spiritual battle. We have to pick a side. Your son on drugs (and I include pot here) is not your beloved boy. As long as we are cuddly with them while they are on this path, we are enabling their demons, their antisocial tendencies, their living in an altered consciousness and moral universe. I know I sound like a nutcase. I am a highly educated, professional person, a worldly woman. But I had to face the nature of the threat I am dealing with. Of course your situation may be different. But in our case, I had to take an all or nothing stand. As far as persuasion, such as showing him the article, in my experience, this did not work. They cannot be persuaded. Even by their own suffering, until they choose this. It is hard to say this but we cannot act towards them as allies because they are not all there. The integrity, caring, empathy, responsibility that we molded in them, is in us, not them. For now. They will only use our best nature to manipulate. Not because they are bad. But because they are lost. That is why they need us to stand up. To remind them who and what they are. Oh I have such empathy for you with respect to the dread and fear of repeating family of origin issues. Trauma. Conflict. Secrecy. Betrayal. Unfortunately in my experience, you may be there already, but you are eating it, stifling it, denying it, with the hope it will disappear or be smoothed over None of us wanted this. But nevertheless it showed up at our door. It will not go away without being dealt with. Of course you feel weak and afraid. Who would not? But that is not who you are. You are your decisions and your acts. You are your love. Your responsibility. That person is there. You see. We have to remember who we are, too. [/QUOTE]
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