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Trying to do the right thing - but mentally exhausted
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 731423" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>One more thing about not wanting him to hit bottom, life wise. Only educationally.</p><p></p><p>This is very, very hard to write. But what does wanting have to do with anything?</p><p></p><p>My son speaks and writes 3 languages with absolute fluency. He speaks 3 more conversationally. He is self taught. He taught himself Portuguese in three weeks when he was 14. He traveled to a foreign country where he had never been at the same age with a group of adults to study a martial art. He is highly intelligent and articulate. He has the sweetest, most loving nature. Our relationship was only loving and sustaining for the both of us. He is gorgeously handsome.</p><p></p><p>The last thing (nearly) that I wanted is what came to be. Believe me. I tried everything I could to ensure that he fly right. When I finally cane to this forum almost 3 years ago I had forced him to enroll in classes at our community college. And I enrolled myself too so I could monitor him and do the homework with him! Yes. Am I embarrassed? Not so much as amused. I tell you this to let you know this did not come easy to me. I was not born smart.</p><p></p><p>And after I pushed and pulled and pressured, what came of it? He has been homeless off and on for 5 or 6 years. He believes all manner of conspiracy theories. He can look like the most destitute, wild and degraded of homeless people. All he has wanted or valued is his marijuana to escape and maintain his SSI. While he keeps his person clean, he is filthy in his habits. He believes his body is disfigured and his appearance repugnant. He will not let himself be seen without a hoodie. He has little hope of a relationship and none at all for his own family. He had absolutely no desire to get a job.</p><p></p><p>In a million years I would never have imagined his life (and mine) would have arrived to this place.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is this: do we ever have control over another person's life or destiny? Can our intentions or best efforts protect another person when their will is something other than we want?</p><p></p><p>I tried to control my son and to prevent his descent. I tried with all my might to steer him. It got worse. And worse still.</p><p></p><p>Until they want something. Or want to avoid something, anything we want for them is like spitting in the wind.</p><p></p><p>The only realistic choice we have is this: do we help them destroy themselves (and us) or not?</p><p></p><p>LBL said something very true: when we begin to take a stand and set limits, it gets worse. By standing up we can provoke them, or even push them to make worse choices.</p><p></p><p>I do not know how to explain this to you, but there came a time where I had to stand up, because I knew I had lost myself. Even still I doubt myself, because my son has not thrived. There is nothing about his life that looks successful or reflects to me I was a good mother. In fact, it is the reverse.</p><p></p><p>I question myself all the time. Did I cause this? If I had let him stay home, without treatment, without work, without conditions, could he have dug himself out of this, would he have? I do not know.</p><p></p><p>But I know in my heart as I type this, I could not have, would not have let myself go limp, become dead as a mother without answering back with word and deed.</p><p></p><p>Yes, there was conflict. He had contempt for me.</p><p></p><p>But I believe we have found in moments another kind of bottom. The depths of love, and responsibility. Some people tell me my son is extraordinarily kind. My son told me a couple days ago how much he respects that I fight for him and for what I know to be right.</p><p></p><p>He decided to work (again) with m, my SO, doing remodeling. Today he was up, ready, by the door when we got up. He knows he will have to do boring, hard work.</p><p></p><p>Why is he doing this? When he could be homeless, free, and unaccountable?</p><p></p><p>Because he knows now that homeless, free and unaccountable has its price too.</p><p></p><p>If I had kept on steering his life, standing in the way of consequences, tolerating mutely his one destructive act or another, I will never know what would have been the outcome for him, this is true.</p><p></p><p>But he knows his family has taken a stand for him, will support and stand by him, through thick and thin. He knows there are an infinite number of do overs if and only if he takes a stand for himself, and honors us. If I look at it this way it is not a half bad outcome.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 731423, member: 18958"] One more thing about not wanting him to hit bottom, life wise. Only educationally. This is very, very hard to write. But what does wanting have to do with anything? My son speaks and writes 3 languages with absolute fluency. He speaks 3 more conversationally. He is self taught. He taught himself Portuguese in three weeks when he was 14. He traveled to a foreign country where he had never been at the same age with a group of adults to study a martial art. He is highly intelligent and articulate. He has the sweetest, most loving nature. Our relationship was only loving and sustaining for the both of us. He is gorgeously handsome. The last thing (nearly) that I wanted is what came to be. Believe me. I tried everything I could to ensure that he fly right. When I finally cane to this forum almost 3 years ago I had forced him to enroll in classes at our community college. And I enrolled myself too so I could monitor him and do the homework with him! Yes. Am I embarrassed? Not so much as amused. I tell you this to let you know this did not come easy to me. I was not born smart. And after I pushed and pulled and pressured, what came of it? He has been homeless off and on for 5 or 6 years. He believes all manner of conspiracy theories. He can look like the most destitute, wild and degraded of homeless people. All he has wanted or valued is his marijuana to escape and maintain his SSI. While he keeps his person clean, he is filthy in his habits. He believes his body is disfigured and his appearance repugnant. He will not let himself be seen without a hoodie. He has little hope of a relationship and none at all for his own family. He had absolutely no desire to get a job. In a million years I would never have imagined his life (and mine) would have arrived to this place. But the thing is this: do we ever have control over another person's life or destiny? Can our intentions or best efforts protect another person when their will is something other than we want? I tried to control my son and to prevent his descent. I tried with all my might to steer him. It got worse. And worse still. Until they want something. Or want to avoid something, anything we want for them is like spitting in the wind. The only realistic choice we have is this: do we help them destroy themselves (and us) or not? LBL said something very true: when we begin to take a stand and set limits, it gets worse. By standing up we can provoke them, or even push them to make worse choices. I do not know how to explain this to you, but there came a time where I had to stand up, because I knew I had lost myself. Even still I doubt myself, because my son has not thrived. There is nothing about his life that looks successful or reflects to me I was a good mother. In fact, it is the reverse. I question myself all the time. Did I cause this? If I had let him stay home, without treatment, without work, without conditions, could he have dug himself out of this, would he have? I do not know. But I know in my heart as I type this, I could not have, would not have let myself go limp, become dead as a mother without answering back with word and deed. Yes, there was conflict. He had contempt for me. But I believe we have found in moments another kind of bottom. The depths of love, and responsibility. Some people tell me my son is extraordinarily kind. My son told me a couple days ago how much he respects that I fight for him and for what I know to be right. He decided to work (again) with m, my SO, doing remodeling. Today he was up, ready, by the door when we got up. He knows he will have to do boring, hard work. Why is he doing this? When he could be homeless, free, and unaccountable? Because he knows now that homeless, free and unaccountable has its price too. If I had kept on steering his life, standing in the way of consequences, tolerating mutely his one destructive act or another, I will never know what would have been the outcome for him, this is true. But he knows his family has taken a stand for him, will support and stand by him, through thick and thin. He knows there are an infinite number of do overs if and only if he takes a stand for himself, and honors us. If I look at it this way it is not a half bad outcome. [/QUOTE]
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