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Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew
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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 227397" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>I'll throw this out there as a different perspective- hopefully it will help someone understand without having any hurt feelings. My dad died when I was very young- then I had a step-father. difficult child 's father never acknowledged him, much less met him or took any interest in him- yet I know if I had married, difficult child could have appreciated a male parent in his life. I thought about having difficult child adopted, but never could get past the fear of difficult child going to bed a single night worried about whether or not his bio-mom loved him. I have no adopted relatives in my family. So for what it is worth , here is my opinion:</p><p></p><p>1) A child who does not grow up with their bio- parent (either parent or both) is going to have feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and a whole host of other negative feelings and doubts about themselves and questions that are trying to fulfill those worries. There is no way that a child can "pretend" to not have them- not that any adoptive parent ever really expects that, but the "message" being sent that the adoptive parent will be broken hearted if the kid acts a certain way serves the same purpose.</p><p></p><p>2) Speaking as a person who grew up losing one bio-parent then adapting to a very loving and competent step-parent- and knowing that difficult child has had major issues over his father choosing not to be in his life- but also knowing that if I'd married someone who was a good father to difficult child, that difficult child could have accepted him and loved him and seen him as a father-</p><p>Appreciating the parent that we have to raise us is not a reflection on how bad it hurts or doesn't hurt that our bio-parent is not there. It does hurt- it will always be a part of the person. But referring to someone as "Mom" or not has nothing to do with it. That is semantics- which are different for a kid than for an adult. The kid knows who is there for them and who is parenting them. The kid is trying to deal with their own identity issues, feelings of self-worth, etc. If the "non-bio-parent" acknowledges this without jealousy or ownership or expectations, it will help the child to work thru these things in a healthy way. The child will not turn away from the parent who is helping if the parent's actions aren't a reaction to their own feelings of being emotionally threatened. The child will love the parent who is there helping them thru this more, not less.</p><p></p><p>3) I wanted with everything in me for my son to have 2 parents- I considered putting him up for adoption for that reason. But, I would have wanted him to know that it was because I wanted him to have advantages that I couldn't give him. I would never have wanted to think that he would grow up believing that it was just because I didn't want him- or I gave him away- like he's a piece of property that once another takes "possession" than the child is supposed to forget the other parent. All bio-moms don't do drugs, or drink, or pass on any more horrible genes than anyone else. </p><p></p><p>If adoptive parents are even remotely insinuating that to these kids, it is no wonder that they won't open up and talk about their questions about who they are geneticly. That is really no different than if I sat here and belittled my son's father to him, even though I am his bio-mom.</p><p></p><p>That's just my 2 cents- and it isn't directed to MWM- from everything I have seen-MWM is doing everything in her power to make sure her kids grow up with a healthy understanding of who they are.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 227397, member: 3699"] I'll throw this out there as a different perspective- hopefully it will help someone understand without having any hurt feelings. My dad died when I was very young- then I had a step-father. difficult child 's father never acknowledged him, much less met him or took any interest in him- yet I know if I had married, difficult child could have appreciated a male parent in his life. I thought about having difficult child adopted, but never could get past the fear of difficult child going to bed a single night worried about whether or not his bio-mom loved him. I have no adopted relatives in my family. So for what it is worth , here is my opinion: 1) A child who does not grow up with their bio- parent (either parent or both) is going to have feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and a whole host of other negative feelings and doubts about themselves and questions that are trying to fulfill those worries. There is no way that a child can "pretend" to not have them- not that any adoptive parent ever really expects that, but the "message" being sent that the adoptive parent will be broken hearted if the kid acts a certain way serves the same purpose. 2) Speaking as a person who grew up losing one bio-parent then adapting to a very loving and competent step-parent- and knowing that difficult child has had major issues over his father choosing not to be in his life- but also knowing that if I'd married someone who was a good father to difficult child, that difficult child could have accepted him and loved him and seen him as a father- Appreciating the parent that we have to raise us is not a reflection on how bad it hurts or doesn't hurt that our bio-parent is not there. It does hurt- it will always be a part of the person. But referring to someone as "Mom" or not has nothing to do with it. That is semantics- which are different for a kid than for an adult. The kid knows who is there for them and who is parenting them. The kid is trying to deal with their own identity issues, feelings of self-worth, etc. If the "non-bio-parent" acknowledges this without jealousy or ownership or expectations, it will help the child to work thru these things in a healthy way. The child will not turn away from the parent who is helping if the parent's actions aren't a reaction to their own feelings of being emotionally threatened. The child will love the parent who is there helping them thru this more, not less. 3) I wanted with everything in me for my son to have 2 parents- I considered putting him up for adoption for that reason. But, I would have wanted him to know that it was because I wanted him to have advantages that I couldn't give him. I would never have wanted to think that he would grow up believing that it was just because I didn't want him- or I gave him away- like he's a piece of property that once another takes "possession" than the child is supposed to forget the other parent. All bio-moms don't do drugs, or drink, or pass on any more horrible genes than anyone else. If adoptive parents are even remotely insinuating that to these kids, it is no wonder that they won't open up and talk about their questions about who they are geneticly. That is really no different than if I sat here and belittled my son's father to him, even though I am his bio-mom. That's just my 2 cents- and it isn't directed to MWM- from everything I have seen-MWM is doing everything in her power to make sure her kids grow up with a healthy understanding of who they are. [/QUOTE]
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