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Ugh. Well this is better than what I thought might happen but not by much
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<blockquote data-quote="pigless in VA" data-source="post: 689922" data-attributes="member: 11832"><p>Copa, I hear you. You sound like my therapist. After my husband passed, I completely changed my relationship with his family. When the kids were small, we would spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas at their house. mother in law expected us to spend both holidays with her, but I demanded that one be reserved for my family. Initially, I thought my late husband's family was close. They are from a small town in southern Virginia which shall remain unnamed. This is tobacco country and time has been hard on the area. Jobs are scarce and the people of my husband's generation have all moved away to the cities to work. The elderly generation has remained in the town. My former father in law is a big fish in a tiny little pond. His town is gone. There is no grocery store or pharmacy or hardware store. The railroad shut down the line to this town effectively severing the town from civilization. The town is full of people from my in-laws' generation. There are few young people and almost no children there. </p><p></p><p>For years I brought my children to their home for holidays, week-ends and events. But it isn't only my in-laws who are steeped in depression and the past. It is the entire town. To go there is like driving into the past. The climate in the town is that of 50 years ago. Attitudes, styles, vernacular and most importantly statuses are all frozen in time. My husband's generation are still called "the children" even though they are now in their 50s and 60s. The children are expected to return to town for all major occurences. My husband is gone. His brother is gone. Now their mother is gone. I may not have warm fuzzy feelings for my father in law. In fact, I detest the man. There I've said it. My personal ugly secret. I detest him but I understand that everyone he has ever loved has died purposefully. If I chose to boycott my mother in law's funeral, I would, in effect be telling the world that he is at fault for these three deaths. Do I think he was a large piece of the problem? Yes. But he was not the cause. The root cause is mental illness. </p><p></p><p>My therapist and I (thanks, Copa I cannot call her today) have discussed my choices in regards to my late husband's family and their expectations many, many times. When my husband died, I chose NOT to take the kids to his memorial. I protected them from their grandfather's excruciating speech. I snuck a peek around at the other people in the church that day (because of course I was on the front row). I saw what his soliloquy did to the funeral guests; it was horrible. My solution was to have a second memorial for my husband in Richmond. I ran the show. father in law was NOT allowed to speak. My children attended that memorial. </p><p></p><p>After my husband passed, I no longer attended functions at my in-laws' house. They wanted me to take vacations with them. I refused. I made a break from the abject misery. The in-laws did want to see their grandchildren though. They began to drive to Richmond the first Sunday of every month to take us to lunch. I agree to that. We met in a public place. We had a stilted, awkward lunch and then went our separate ways again. I felt that was the best way to give the grandparents and grandchildren an opportunity for connection. It still was not much of a connection. mother in law was often drunk, and father in law did not say more than three words at lunch. But I did not deny them access to their grandchildren. That seemed too cruel to me. </p><p></p><p>So, although father in law may deliver another more horrendous soliloquy at his wife's funeral, I will choose to attend. My children are aware that it may be painful. We all feel that we must support him. He is a mean old cuss, but he does love his grandchildren. They are all he has left in the world, and I will not deny him the small joy of having them present for his wife's departure show. The other family members will be around to hug the kids and love them and support them. They will take some love away to counteract the grief.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="pigless in VA, post: 689922, member: 11832"] Copa, I hear you. You sound like my therapist. After my husband passed, I completely changed my relationship with his family. When the kids were small, we would spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas at their house. mother in law expected us to spend both holidays with her, but I demanded that one be reserved for my family. Initially, I thought my late husband's family was close. They are from a small town in southern Virginia which shall remain unnamed. This is tobacco country and time has been hard on the area. Jobs are scarce and the people of my husband's generation have all moved away to the cities to work. The elderly generation has remained in the town. My former father in law is a big fish in a tiny little pond. His town is gone. There is no grocery store or pharmacy or hardware store. The railroad shut down the line to this town effectively severing the town from civilization. The town is full of people from my in-laws' generation. There are few young people and almost no children there. For years I brought my children to their home for holidays, week-ends and events. But it isn't only my in-laws who are steeped in depression and the past. It is the entire town. To go there is like driving into the past. The climate in the town is that of 50 years ago. Attitudes, styles, vernacular and most importantly statuses are all frozen in time. My husband's generation are still called "the children" even though they are now in their 50s and 60s. The children are expected to return to town for all major occurences. My husband is gone. His brother is gone. Now their mother is gone. I may not have warm fuzzy feelings for my father in law. In fact, I detest the man. There I've said it. My personal ugly secret. I detest him but I understand that everyone he has ever loved has died purposefully. If I chose to boycott my mother in law's funeral, I would, in effect be telling the world that he is at fault for these three deaths. Do I think he was a large piece of the problem? Yes. But he was not the cause. The root cause is mental illness. My therapist and I (thanks, Copa I cannot call her today) have discussed my choices in regards to my late husband's family and their expectations many, many times. When my husband died, I chose NOT to take the kids to his memorial. I protected them from their grandfather's excruciating speech. I snuck a peek around at the other people in the church that day (because of course I was on the front row). I saw what his soliloquy did to the funeral guests; it was horrible. My solution was to have a second memorial for my husband in Richmond. I ran the show. father in law was NOT allowed to speak. My children attended that memorial. After my husband passed, I no longer attended functions at my in-laws' house. They wanted me to take vacations with them. I refused. I made a break from the abject misery. The in-laws did want to see their grandchildren though. They began to drive to Richmond the first Sunday of every month to take us to lunch. I agree to that. We met in a public place. We had a stilted, awkward lunch and then went our separate ways again. I felt that was the best way to give the grandparents and grandchildren an opportunity for connection. It still was not much of a connection. mother in law was often drunk, and father in law did not say more than three words at lunch. But I did not deny them access to their grandchildren. That seemed too cruel to me. So, although father in law may deliver another more horrendous soliloquy at his wife's funeral, I will choose to attend. My children are aware that it may be painful. We all feel that we must support him. He is a mean old cuss, but he does love his grandchildren. They are all he has left in the world, and I will not deny him the small joy of having them present for his wife's departure show. The other family members will be around to hug the kids and love them and support them. They will take some love away to counteract the grief. [/QUOTE]
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