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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 635168" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there and welcome. I see you haven't gotten responses yet so I decided to jump in. Honestly, our stories are all very similar when it is adult difficult children. If it's not substance abuse and how they changed once they started on drugs, they have personality disorders or mental illnesses which they refuse to treat. Either way they break our hearts and, yes, it does often come down to angsting over them or our own lives. Our lives can become very stressful if we let their issues overtake us. Because they are our children, we tend to do that, even though it doesn't change anything for their better and only makes us worse.</p><p></p><p>Most of us on this forum are trying different ways to learn how to detach from angsting over the choices of our grown children so that we can be good for our other loved ones who are loving toward us and for ourselves too. If you've never read the book, I'd read "Copependent No More" by Melody Beatty and I'd read it right away. I don't know what sort of twelve step groups you have in the UK, bu t you might try one. Others try our own private therapists or both. There have to be agencies in the UK that help friends and family of the mentally ill or drug addicted.</p><p></p><p>I don't know UK laws, but in the US parents can not do anything after somebody turns eighteen. Legally, they are on their own. And even if we could...no drug addict or anyone with a mental illness can get help unless he or she wants it. No matter how much a loving family member worries about her relatives, even a child, nothing will change until the grown child decides he is tired of his life and wants to change. Therefore, most of us here have made a decision to live, even though our adult children may be struggling or mean to us or in dangerous situations that they refuse to leave. One thing I had to learn was that I have no control over anyone...nobody...except myself. I can't change my adult children, but I can decide how to react to their behavior. I don't have to throw money at bad behavior and I don't have to live with disrespect, even violence. I don't have to ruin every day of my life that my adult children decide not to get better. This has really helped the quality of my life and I think it has helped my two children who struggled as well. One used drugs and quit. The other has ups and downs and always will, but at least he is nicer to me than he used to be and is financially independent, not that he wouldn't love to con people out of money. And maybe he is, but it is not us anymore.</p><p></p><p>Others will come along. We have a beloved member from the UK and I hope she posts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 635168, member: 1550"] Hi there and welcome. I see you haven't gotten responses yet so I decided to jump in. Honestly, our stories are all very similar when it is adult difficult children. If it's not substance abuse and how they changed once they started on drugs, they have personality disorders or mental illnesses which they refuse to treat. Either way they break our hearts and, yes, it does often come down to angsting over them or our own lives. Our lives can become very stressful if we let their issues overtake us. Because they are our children, we tend to do that, even though it doesn't change anything for their better and only makes us worse. Most of us on this forum are trying different ways to learn how to detach from angsting over the choices of our grown children so that we can be good for our other loved ones who are loving toward us and for ourselves too. If you've never read the book, I'd read "Copependent No More" by Melody Beatty and I'd read it right away. I don't know what sort of twelve step groups you have in the UK, bu t you might try one. Others try our own private therapists or both. There have to be agencies in the UK that help friends and family of the mentally ill or drug addicted. I don't know UK laws, but in the US parents can not do anything after somebody turns eighteen. Legally, they are on their own. And even if we could...no drug addict or anyone with a mental illness can get help unless he or she wants it. No matter how much a loving family member worries about her relatives, even a child, nothing will change until the grown child decides he is tired of his life and wants to change. Therefore, most of us here have made a decision to live, even though our adult children may be struggling or mean to us or in dangerous situations that they refuse to leave. One thing I had to learn was that I have no control over anyone...nobody...except myself. I can't change my adult children, but I can decide how to react to their behavior. I don't have to throw money at bad behavior and I don't have to live with disrespect, even violence. I don't have to ruin every day of my life that my adult children decide not to get better. This has really helped the quality of my life and I think it has helped my two children who struggled as well. One used drugs and quit. The other has ups and downs and always will, but at least he is nicer to me than he used to be and is financially independent, not that he wouldn't love to con people out of money. And maybe he is, but it is not us anymore. Others will come along. We have a beloved member from the UK and I hope she posts. [/QUOTE]
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