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Substance Abuse
Ultimatum Given, now Trepidation....
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 59654" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p>Deb, one other thing on this:</p><p></p><p>My own personal demon that I wrestle with is that I want too much, want to push too hard, and am being unreasonable. That may seem strange to you all, since it appears that I've been all talk and no walk. But there was a time before I came to CD that I was all walk and NO talk (except for yelling). Back then, when I thought I was still in control, there wasn't anything I wasn't willing to do (or so I thought). I even threatened to call Juvie on McWeedy and have him committed against his will - and had every intention of dragging his butt to the docs, have him drug tested, and then lock him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) if he dropped dirty. </p><p></p><p>That was the first time he ran away, and stayed away (and drunk) for nearly three days.</p><p></p><p>All the things that have been suggested so far, I considered; and at some points, came near to doing. Ultimately, though, he called my bluff and found my weak spot. The fear of him running away shut me down with anxiety attacks. Those don't happen any more, thanks to good treatment and a shift from fear to anger on my part. So now I can move on and do what's needed, right?</p><p></p><p>Well, sort of. I don't suffer from anxiety any more, but that doesn't take away the from the dark fear I have that in some way, I <strong>still am</strong> the gorilla my son thinks me to be. Whenever I've finally had enough, when I'm <strong>finally</strong> ready to do something drastic and dramatic, a dart sails out of the shadows right into that vulnerable place in my psyche that says <em>"you're being a real, overbearing jackass on this, Mike".</em></p><p></p><p>If it were just McWeedy throwing those darts, then right now I'm angry enough that they'd burst into flames before they ever reached me. But I've gotten that "hint" from several other areas as well; my therapist, McWeedy's therapist, several of McWeedy's teachers that I tried to work with, the new docs running the medical study, one of my few friends that I talk to (who used to be a pothead difficult child), my brother (for what that's worth), and now I'm getting it from my wife as well.</p><p></p><p>The overall subliminal message is "Back off. You're pushing too hard, being unreasonable, and acting like a jerk". </p><p></p><p>As destructive as it is, the anger and resentment I now feel is the only thing that empowers me to do the little bit I've done so far. But that voice just won't go away, and the whispers come from many different mouths. The more I resolve to push, the louder the whispers get. It's hard to keep up your resolve in the face of that type of resistance, especially when one source of it is your SO.</p><p></p><p>So, like I said, I did what I could. Could I have done anything else?</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 59654, member: 3579"] Deb, one other thing on this: My own personal demon that I wrestle with is that I want too much, want to push too hard, and am being unreasonable. That may seem strange to you all, since it appears that I've been all talk and no walk. But there was a time before I came to CD that I was all walk and NO talk (except for yelling). Back then, when I thought I was still in control, there wasn't anything I wasn't willing to do (or so I thought). I even threatened to call Juvie on McWeedy and have him committed against his will - and had every intention of dragging his butt to the docs, have him drug tested, and then lock him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) if he dropped dirty. That was the first time he ran away, and stayed away (and drunk) for nearly three days. All the things that have been suggested so far, I considered; and at some points, came near to doing. Ultimately, though, he called my bluff and found my weak spot. The fear of him running away shut me down with anxiety attacks. Those don't happen any more, thanks to good treatment and a shift from fear to anger on my part. So now I can move on and do what's needed, right? Well, sort of. I don't suffer from anxiety any more, but that doesn't take away the from the dark fear I have that in some way, I [b]still am[/b] the gorilla my son thinks me to be. Whenever I've finally had enough, when I'm [b]finally[/b] ready to do something drastic and dramatic, a dart sails out of the shadows right into that vulnerable place in my psyche that says [i]"you're being a real, overbearing jackass on this, Mike".[/i] If it were just McWeedy throwing those darts, then right now I'm angry enough that they'd burst into flames before they ever reached me. But I've gotten that "hint" from several other areas as well; my therapist, McWeedy's therapist, several of McWeedy's teachers that I tried to work with, the new docs running the medical study, one of my few friends that I talk to (who used to be a pothead difficult child), my brother (for what that's worth), and now I'm getting it from my wife as well. The overall subliminal message is "Back off. You're pushing too hard, being unreasonable, and acting like a jerk". As destructive as it is, the anger and resentment I now feel is the only thing that empowers me to do the little bit I've done so far. But that voice just won't go away, and the whispers come from many different mouths. The more I resolve to push, the louder the whispers get. It's hard to keep up your resolve in the face of that type of resistance, especially when one source of it is your SO. So, like I said, I did what I could. Could I have done anything else? Mikey [/QUOTE]
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