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Unconditional love. Did you have it? Do you have it in you to do it? Is it a good thing?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 654574" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I'll speak for how I feel my mother felt and what she got out of it, since she is gone and can't read my blogging...lol. But, in all honesty, it is a serious issue. As I said, until the very end, I would call her and try to make things right. That was my reason for contacting her. She never once called me back in about ten years. I'm surprised she talked to me at all. Perhaps it was part of her game to let me think she was not or had not rejected me. She knew I'd find out soon enough. Even when I told her we'd be driving through Indiana and could I see her, she sounded very snitty and finally said, "If you want, but your husband can't come." She clearly didn't want to see me at all. I would have gladly seen her without my husband if she had seemed at all enthusiastic. It turned out we did not make the trip and my mother never asked me if I was going to come because she didn't want me to.</p><p></p><p>At the very end of my mother's life, I was the last or second-to-the-last one to speak to her. I forget. I know she was not in her right mind. She was very sick with brain cancer and did not know me. She was unaware that it was me and so she was nice to me. Although I did not visit her while she was sick (by then I was far enough along to realize that, no matter how hard I had tried, I had failed), I did call her. Even after everything. Then I found out that she had, for all intents and puproses, not had disowned me. And it wasn't just me. She had disowned her own grandchildren too because they were mine. This doesn't always go together, but it did with her.</p><p></p><p>She had her excuses. I didn't let her be the way she wanted to be as a granda (how would she know since she never was?) Her mother had never babysat for her so she was never going to babysit for her grands. But she did for my sister. And I saw her waring a shirt once that said, "Grandmothers are for Spoiling and Babysitting." Interesting. Right after my baby was born I got very sick and was bleeding internally and had a very high fever. I called and asked if she'd babysit for my son and she said, "I am never going to babysit for you for any reason." This is pretty much how she said it too. We had to get my husband's mother, who never forgot it and never stopped talking about it as long as I was married to her son. I know she felt sorry for me. My mother willingly and cruelly withheld her love although she did understand that, especially in my early years, I was very sick with mental illness. I had been in the hospital for ten weeks and she kknew. My brother had a serious stomach disorder. That counted. He was hero because he went on with the pain and, trust me, I agree with her. I even now think he is very brave and, even behind all my hurt, I am proud of him, although he wouldn't care, because he has a life in spite of a devestating physical illness. But mental illness isn't a romp in the park either. It's hard. I worked hard to get so much better...and I thought perhaps I had had borderline, but was told that NO. I did not have enough traits. I did not self harm. I did not do suicice or use drugs. I had long term relationships. I did not have it. I suffer from a serious mood disorder that kills many peoeple, but I moved on too and am proud of me for getting better every year. So...back to the question. What was the payoff for my mother's total dismissal of her firstborn child who was mentally ill, but not a monster? Who loved her so much? Who loved her sister and brother? Who had temper tantrums at some times as did she? Who looks ljust like her (sometimes I want to scratch my face to not look so much like her).</p><p></p><p>The payoff is she won. She did win. She hurt me so badly that it took a good two years of therapy to get over realizing how I had been played and abused and had wasted my time and my heart and my love. She was the winner and is still champion. She won. She got my sister and brother to think horrible things about me. Whatever she said, they obviously bought. She was good at persuasion.</p><p></p><p>The point of these people, who are our flesh and blood, is to hurt us and they usually do so they win. It's a contest to them. There is absolutely nothing I have done to my sister that her abusive boyfriend has not done by tenfold, hurting her on a daily basis, not wanting what is best for her, never giving her the love she wants...hurting her day by day. One day I got mad and friended my sister's FB friends. She had sone something first, but it had been a childish way to fight way. It had also been harmless. Not one bad thing came of it. But every single day this man hurts her. And she doesn't cut him off or laugh at him or spend a day without speaking to him. I'm sure she tells him she loves him. It is very personal regarding me. She also forgave her friends for biotching about ehr and tossing her off their facebooks. She forgives everyoen but me. What does that mean?</p><p></p><p>It means it is personal.</p><p></p><p>It is sibling stuff too deep to dig up and fix. It isn't the little tiffs you had. It is deadly personal. And there is nothing anyone can do when the feelings go so deep that they suddenly feel you have ruined their lives, although you ahven't made one bad difference in their lives at all.</p><p></p><p>That is why I am so afraid for people who say they are going to try to make things right with somebody who has decided to dig in his/her heels and refuse to have a fair give and take acknowledged conversation. That is why I think that with family it is uglier. How many times have friends or boyfriends done things to them that they easily forgave?</p><p></p><p>The object of their anger/abuse/refusal to try to listen or understand/their gang ups/their feelings are to hurt you. And, yes, they usually win. Which was their goal. And we allowed it.</p><p></p><p>Our object has to be to get on with our lives and leave people who have such deeprooted disregard for us behind us, even if we wish it were different. It never will be. Don't be the one who almost kisses her mothers feet to find out that she was laughing at you all the time. She even told my siser that I just called to bait her and tick her off and maybe, because she thought so incredibly negatively about me and didn't know me at all, she really thought so. At any rate, I know that wasn't the reason and I know you all believe me. I just wanted my mother to love me, like everybody does. And most mothers do, unconditionally.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 654574, member: 1550"] I'll speak for how I feel my mother felt and what she got out of it, since she is gone and can't read my blogging...lol. But, in all honesty, it is a serious issue. As I said, until the very end, I would call her and try to make things right. That was my reason for contacting her. She never once called me back in about ten years. I'm surprised she talked to me at all. Perhaps it was part of her game to let me think she was not or had not rejected me. She knew I'd find out soon enough. Even when I told her we'd be driving through Indiana and could I see her, she sounded very snitty and finally said, "If you want, but your husband can't come." She clearly didn't want to see me at all. I would have gladly seen her without my husband if she had seemed at all enthusiastic. It turned out we did not make the trip and my mother never asked me if I was going to come because she didn't want me to. At the very end of my mother's life, I was the last or second-to-the-last one to speak to her. I forget. I know she was not in her right mind. She was very sick with brain cancer and did not know me. She was unaware that it was me and so she was nice to me. Although I did not visit her while she was sick (by then I was far enough along to realize that, no matter how hard I had tried, I had failed), I did call her. Even after everything. Then I found out that she had, for all intents and puproses, not had disowned me. And it wasn't just me. She had disowned her own grandchildren too because they were mine. This doesn't always go together, but it did with her. She had her excuses. I didn't let her be the way she wanted to be as a granda (how would she know since she never was?) Her mother had never babysat for her so she was never going to babysit for her grands. But she did for my sister. And I saw her waring a shirt once that said, "Grandmothers are for Spoiling and Babysitting." Interesting. Right after my baby was born I got very sick and was bleeding internally and had a very high fever. I called and asked if she'd babysit for my son and she said, "I am never going to babysit for you for any reason." This is pretty much how she said it too. We had to get my husband's mother, who never forgot it and never stopped talking about it as long as I was married to her son. I know she felt sorry for me. My mother willingly and cruelly withheld her love although she did understand that, especially in my early years, I was very sick with mental illness. I had been in the hospital for ten weeks and she kknew. My brother had a serious stomach disorder. That counted. He was hero because he went on with the pain and, trust me, I agree with her. I even now think he is very brave and, even behind all my hurt, I am proud of him, although he wouldn't care, because he has a life in spite of a devestating physical illness. But mental illness isn't a romp in the park either. It's hard. I worked hard to get so much better...and I thought perhaps I had had borderline, but was told that NO. I did not have enough traits. I did not self harm. I did not do suicice or use drugs. I had long term relationships. I did not have it. I suffer from a serious mood disorder that kills many peoeple, but I moved on too and am proud of me for getting better every year. So...back to the question. What was the payoff for my mother's total dismissal of her firstborn child who was mentally ill, but not a monster? Who loved her so much? Who loved her sister and brother? Who had temper tantrums at some times as did she? Who looks ljust like her (sometimes I want to scratch my face to not look so much like her). The payoff is she won. She did win. She hurt me so badly that it took a good two years of therapy to get over realizing how I had been played and abused and had wasted my time and my heart and my love. She was the winner and is still champion. She won. She got my sister and brother to think horrible things about me. Whatever she said, they obviously bought. She was good at persuasion. The point of these people, who are our flesh and blood, is to hurt us and they usually do so they win. It's a contest to them. There is absolutely nothing I have done to my sister that her abusive boyfriend has not done by tenfold, hurting her on a daily basis, not wanting what is best for her, never giving her the love she wants...hurting her day by day. One day I got mad and friended my sister's FB friends. She had sone something first, but it had been a childish way to fight way. It had also been harmless. Not one bad thing came of it. But every single day this man hurts her. And she doesn't cut him off or laugh at him or spend a day without speaking to him. I'm sure she tells him she loves him. It is very personal regarding me. She also forgave her friends for biotching about ehr and tossing her off their facebooks. She forgives everyoen but me. What does that mean? It means it is personal. It is sibling stuff too deep to dig up and fix. It isn't the little tiffs you had. It is deadly personal. And there is nothing anyone can do when the feelings go so deep that they suddenly feel you have ruined their lives, although you ahven't made one bad difference in their lives at all. That is why I am so afraid for people who say they are going to try to make things right with somebody who has decided to dig in his/her heels and refuse to have a fair give and take acknowledged conversation. That is why I think that with family it is uglier. How many times have friends or boyfriends done things to them that they easily forgave? The object of their anger/abuse/refusal to try to listen or understand/their gang ups/their feelings are to hurt you. And, yes, they usually win. Which was their goal. And we allowed it. Our object has to be to get on with our lives and leave people who have such deeprooted disregard for us behind us, even if we wish it were different. It never will be. Don't be the one who almost kisses her mothers feet to find out that she was laughing at you all the time. She even told my siser that I just called to bait her and tick her off and maybe, because she thought so incredibly negatively about me and didn't know me at all, she really thought so. At any rate, I know that wasn't the reason and I know you all believe me. I just wanted my mother to love me, like everybody does. And most mothers do, unconditionally. [/QUOTE]
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Unconditional love. Did you have it? Do you have it in you to do it? Is it a good thing?
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