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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 667689" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>New leaf, you are wrestling with some very key concepts here, I believe. You are learning new ways of thinking and behaving. The feelings are still often very different. There is a vast ocean between our thinking and our feelings and there can be a big tug of war between the two. For eons, decades...I operated out of feelings especially with my own children and family members...those closest to me...out of my love and responsibility. That is what a good parent does. I was a very good parent.</p><p></p><p>And I was a very good wife. My feelings tugged at me to stay with my first husband, an alcoholic...I never wanted to be divorced. He is my children's father and a good person. The slide started slowly and I didn't see it: first I compromised, then I accommodated and then I enabled. With my Difficult Child first I parented, and then I pushed and pulled and waited and then I enabled. It doesn't happen overnight. But as the years go by we try and try and try...and that turns into enabling. Without our realizing it. </p><p></p><p>You surely don't divorce your child. One day I woke up and saw what was happening...as I grew and studied and learned. </p><p></p><p>First, I saw that I was his biggest obstacle. And that was enough to make me learn more and start behaving differently even though the feelings nearly killed me, it hurt so badly to say no more to my precious son. </p><p></p><p>And then I started seeing that I was my own biggest obstacle and that is when even more work began. That was a good day for me because I started putting myself first for the first time in my life. I am the oldest of four with one disabled sister who died when she was 23. I grew up fast and I could take care of everybody. I didn't need any taking care of. The silver lining with this phase for me and for my son was that my focus and energy shifted from him to myself. I had work to do...not on fixing him but on fixing me...the only person I can have a prayer of fixing. Problem had been...I didn't think I needed fixing...until I saw that I did. </p><p></p><p>We still love. We love so much. But we start seeing where we are hurting not helping. Them and ourselves. And once we see it, we can't not see it. And then we start to work for change.</p><p></p><p>We're here for you. You are doing good work I believe.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 667689, member: 17542"] New leaf, you are wrestling with some very key concepts here, I believe. You are learning new ways of thinking and behaving. The feelings are still often very different. There is a vast ocean between our thinking and our feelings and there can be a big tug of war between the two. For eons, decades...I operated out of feelings especially with my own children and family members...those closest to me...out of my love and responsibility. That is what a good parent does. I was a very good parent. And I was a very good wife. My feelings tugged at me to stay with my first husband, an alcoholic...I never wanted to be divorced. He is my children's father and a good person. The slide started slowly and I didn't see it: first I compromised, then I accommodated and then I enabled. With my Difficult Child first I parented, and then I pushed and pulled and waited and then I enabled. It doesn't happen overnight. But as the years go by we try and try and try...and that turns into enabling. Without our realizing it. You surely don't divorce your child. One day I woke up and saw what was happening...as I grew and studied and learned. First, I saw that I was his biggest obstacle. And that was enough to make me learn more and start behaving differently even though the feelings nearly killed me, it hurt so badly to say no more to my precious son. And then I started seeing that I was my own biggest obstacle and that is when even more work began. That was a good day for me because I started putting myself first for the first time in my life. I am the oldest of four with one disabled sister who died when she was 23. I grew up fast and I could take care of everybody. I didn't need any taking care of. The silver lining with this phase for me and for my son was that my focus and energy shifted from him to myself. I had work to do...not on fixing him but on fixing me...the only person I can have a prayer of fixing. Problem had been...I didn't think I needed fixing...until I saw that I did. We still love. We love so much. But we start seeing where we are hurting not helping. Them and ourselves. And once we see it, we can't not see it. And then we start to work for change. We're here for you. You are doing good work I believe. [/QUOTE]
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