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Unreasonable?
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<blockquote data-quote="CAmom" data-source="post: 119305" data-attributes="member: 1835"><p>Wow, didn't realize I was starting such a controversial topic! Thank you all for your opinions and advice.</p><p></p><p>A couple of points: I asked my question in the same spirit as I've done in the past many times when I have sort of tested the waters as far as what the "going trends" are amongst parents of my son's peers in the neighborhood and on these boards and then tried to tailor them to my son and family. </p><p></p><p>Curfew, when my son was younger, is an example. When I was 18, my father expected me to be in at midnight as a 17-year-old high-school senior, even on prom night. I thought that was unreasonable at the time and still do. But, rather than act for or against that with my own son, I talked to the parents of kids my son's age in our neighborhood to see what the general concensus was regarding curfew and used that as a baseline. </p><p></p><p>What I'm trying to say is that this isn't about my son running the show and me meekly trying to smooth the waters. I like to gather information before I dictate rules to my son, unless it's a life or death matter, and then choose my battles. I'm not sure yet that this situation is one of those.</p><p></p><p>I agree with those of you who feel that this isn't so much a matter of rules but simple curtesy, and that's what I plan to emphasize to my son. I would much rather appeal to his sense of fairness and consideration and have him understand, emphathize, and act on that rather than taking his cell phone away (which, by the way, I've already done, at least temporarily, as a consequence) or punish him in some other manner. </p><p></p><p>As to the surgery, job, and school issue, the teaching hospital where this surgery is to be done is a five-hour round trip. And we need to do this twice. My husband and I made a decision to allow our son time to adjust to being home after his ten-month stay in a group home (this was not rehab, by the way--he isn't a drug addict, although he has used marijuana and probably Ecstacy in the past and is also probably occasionally smoking pot now), get through the holidays, complete his surgery before we issue any ultimatums. </p><p></p><p>Our son is a high-maintenance kid with anxiety issues and has needed a lot of support through his life and will no doubt continue to do so. Age has never been a defining factor in his maturing process ...he reaches milstones at his own pace, and we're used to this. The fact that he's 18 doesn't change this, and neither of us want or expect him to leave home until he's ready, unless his behavior becomes completely out of bounds and unacceptable. </p><p></p><p>That said, our son is taking some positive steps and has told us that he needs help with finding a job, and, on his own, has contacted and made an appointment with an agency that parteners with local businesses to help kids through the application and interview process. It also helps with independent living situations, should he desire it. This may not sound like a lot, but, trust me, for our son, it is a major step in the right direction.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CAmom, post: 119305, member: 1835"] Wow, didn't realize I was starting such a controversial topic! Thank you all for your opinions and advice. A couple of points: I asked my question in the same spirit as I've done in the past many times when I have sort of tested the waters as far as what the "going trends" are amongst parents of my son's peers in the neighborhood and on these boards and then tried to tailor them to my son and family. Curfew, when my son was younger, is an example. When I was 18, my father expected me to be in at midnight as a 17-year-old high-school senior, even on prom night. I thought that was unreasonable at the time and still do. But, rather than act for or against that with my own son, I talked to the parents of kids my son's age in our neighborhood to see what the general concensus was regarding curfew and used that as a baseline. What I'm trying to say is that this isn't about my son running the show and me meekly trying to smooth the waters. I like to gather information before I dictate rules to my son, unless it's a life or death matter, and then choose my battles. I'm not sure yet that this situation is one of those. I agree with those of you who feel that this isn't so much a matter of rules but simple curtesy, and that's what I plan to emphasize to my son. I would much rather appeal to his sense of fairness and consideration and have him understand, emphathize, and act on that rather than taking his cell phone away (which, by the way, I've already done, at least temporarily, as a consequence) or punish him in some other manner. As to the surgery, job, and school issue, the teaching hospital where this surgery is to be done is a five-hour round trip. And we need to do this twice. My husband and I made a decision to allow our son time to adjust to being home after his ten-month stay in a group home (this was not rehab, by the way--he isn't a drug addict, although he has used marijuana and probably Ecstacy in the past and is also probably occasionally smoking pot now), get through the holidays, complete his surgery before we issue any ultimatums. Our son is a high-maintenance kid with anxiety issues and has needed a lot of support through his life and will no doubt continue to do so. Age has never been a defining factor in his maturing process ...he reaches milstones at his own pace, and we're used to this. The fact that he's 18 doesn't change this, and neither of us want or expect him to leave home until he's ready, unless his behavior becomes completely out of bounds and unacceptable. That said, our son is taking some positive steps and has told us that he needs help with finding a job, and, on his own, has contacted and made an appointment with an agency that parteners with local businesses to help kids through the application and interview process. It also helps with independent living situations, should he desire it. This may not sound like a lot, but, trust me, for our son, it is a major step in the right direction. [/QUOTE]
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