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Parent Emeritus
Update: Detachment as Spiritual Practice, and an Update
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 613392" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>In rereading this, I understand that son's escalation was because he was frustrated at the nature of my responses to his repeated requests for money to alleviate his impending starvation-level poverty. He also mentioned not having Christmas money for his kids. I see too that my detachment skills held strong until the attacks became personal. My thought patterns as this was happening were typical of the dynamic in any abusive relationship. I took the blame on myself <u>because he said it.</u> </p><p></p><p>Who would know better than my grown child whether he had been parented properly. Obviously, something is badly wrong with him and with his life....</p><p></p><p>Developing the strength to combat this stuff is alot like climbing a really high mountain. The air is thinner, near the top, and the climb itself more difficult. Having never climbed to the summit before, we (I) find it hard to believe in myself enough to continue the climb.</p><p></p><p>But once we finally make it? The view is very different from here.</p><p></p><p>So, this is the lesson we may all take from this experience: The kids' behaviors are going to escalate until they get what they want or, to end the sickness, you end the relationship.</p><p></p><p>And this will happen, once you truly begin to detach.</p><p></p><p>So, remember what happened to me, and be ready for it.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>I also want to say that at some level, I knew this about my son. I did not want it to be true. I liked to pretend I hadn't lost him. But I did lose him, and he is gone. Probably, forever. And I would rather not have him, than to accept this cheap substitute for a person as the son I raised, and knew, and loved so well.</p><p></p><p>Given that I sort of knew this deep down anyway, admitting it is actually incredibly freeing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 613392, member: 1721"] In rereading this, I understand that son's escalation was because he was frustrated at the nature of my responses to his repeated requests for money to alleviate his impending starvation-level poverty. He also mentioned not having Christmas money for his kids. I see too that my detachment skills held strong until the attacks became personal. My thought patterns as this was happening were typical of the dynamic in any abusive relationship. I took the blame on myself [U]because he said it.[/U] Who would know better than my grown child whether he had been parented properly. Obviously, something is badly wrong with him and with his life.... Developing the strength to combat this stuff is alot like climbing a really high mountain. The air is thinner, near the top, and the climb itself more difficult. Having never climbed to the summit before, we (I) find it hard to believe in myself enough to continue the climb. But once we finally make it? The view is very different from here. So, this is the lesson we may all take from this experience: The kids' behaviors are going to escalate until they get what they want or, to end the sickness, you end the relationship. And this will happen, once you truly begin to detach. So, remember what happened to me, and be ready for it. Cedar I also want to say that at some level, I knew this about my son. I did not want it to be true. I liked to pretend I hadn't lost him. But I did lose him, and he is gone. Probably, forever. And I would rather not have him, than to accept this cheap substitute for a person as the son I raised, and knew, and loved so well. Given that I sort of knew this deep down anyway, admitting it is actually incredibly freeing. [/QUOTE]
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Update: Detachment as Spiritual Practice, and an Update
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