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Update: Detachment as Spiritual Practice, and an Update
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 613496" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>I didn't mean to make you feel badly for me, Recovering. I'm okay, really. I remember how I felt about those FB comments your daughter sent. Probably this is the same thing? Something you can see that I am still defended against.</p><p></p><p>Though I did spend a rough day or two when he first posted those things to me. On the other hand, he has never made a secret of what he believes about his life, about what he believes he was entitled to and did not get, or did not get enough of, or about us. It was the name calling and the hatred in it that took me aback. I think I believed that, somewhere inside, he knew the truth I know about why he is where he is in his life, and just didn't want to admit it. </p><p></p><p>Ouch, right?</p><p></p><p>Nothing else has worked, Recovering. This is worth a shot. I just didn't expect the hatred.</p><p></p><p></p><p>*******************</p><p> </p><p>Here is something good for you to know: I considered the good, healthy changes in your daughter's life as your detachment process progressed when assessing this latest business with difficult child son. As I've processed what is really going on here, I think I see that maybe it is his belief in my belief system that is keeping him stuck. Those beliefs keep him focused on what is behind him, keep him feeling he's been cheated, maybe. If I'd just said, "Quit acting like a jerk." all those years ago, maybe that would have been better than trying to justify or explain away <u>why</u> he was acting like a jerk, why he got into drugs and etc. But whatever it is or was then, it is what it is, now. </p><p></p><p>Just like it is for all of us, here on the site, the rotten things the kids do and say is hurtful. But we have all, every one of us, been through worse.</p><p></p><p>The worst times are when we are still so innocent that we can be betrayed.</p><p></p><p>It is just the way we thought it would be Recovering, when we first started trying to figure out how we were going to survive this: Our determined intent to see the end goal more clearly, and to make it through to the other side without hurting or hating anyone ~ especially, not ourselves, seems to be working. There is no right way to do this ~ not that I have been able to find, anyway. But what there is, is a way to survive it with our hearts and our hopes and our intentions, for our kids and for ourselves, intact.</p><p></p><p>And that is an amazing thing to know.</p><p></p><p>The way I am beginning to see it is that, as hard as we've fought for our kids ~ and everyone who searched until she found this site, who read until she found it worthwhile enough to post her own story, who stuck around afterwords to help the next mom or dad ~ every one of us here has fought for, and lost, a thing that meant more to her (or to him) than her own life. </p><p></p><p>But we never gave up, Recovering. We never really give up on our kids, either. I don't see detaching as a way to stop caring about them, as a way to stop trying to help the kids. I see it as a way to survive something so painful that we might lose our own lives to depression or hopelessness or fear of incompetence or any of the thousand other things we might come to believe about ourselves because we could not save our children. </p><p></p><p>I really liked MWM's "Wise Mind" concept. That says where we need to be and how that looks and feels so clearly. And I still find the Osteen materials incredibly meaningful. </p><p></p><p>Brene Brown's concepts of shame, and of vulnerability, and of healing have shown us <u>how</u> to do it.</p><p></p><p>Think of all the ways we have found, here on the site, to keep ourselves sane, to keep stable, to keep standing, Recovering. In so many ways, we are participating in a living miracle, sharing what we learn, surrounding one another with strength and compassion, telling one another hard truths.</p><p></p><p>We are doing so well, Recovering.</p><p></p><p></p><p>****************</p><p></p><p>This, too: It's a genetic thing, an instinctual thing, I am so sure they will find, to keep parenting until your child is independent of you. So, we all need to stop berating ourselves because we haven't been able to turn away from our kids, however old they are. We are human. We chose love over indifference, chose love over resentment, chose love over hatred.</p><p></p><p>And truly, any of those other choices would have seen us free of our kids. And maybe, that will still be the end result. </p><p></p><p>So, we are in a strange place where nothing works as it should, where doing what feels right is the wrong thing, where we don't know how to act or react, where right and wrong literally have no meaning. But look at all of us here, Recovering! We are carving that path, maybe setting that new path for those who will come after us, showing them as we learn it ourselves, how to survive it, how to claim lives rich and full, whatever we have lost, whatever we are facing.</p><p></p><p>I think we are amazing.</p><p></p><p>It's good to remind ourselves of that, because so much of the time, being us really does suck.</p><p></p><p>Seriously.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p>*******</p><p></p><p>Your description of our journey was so real it caught my breath, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>But you know, I don't know that we are here at the end line empty-handed. We are who we are, we have what we have, what has happened has happened; every experience has found us digging deeper for solutions and for survival, until we've been forced right out of victim mode and into other, different definitions of both those terms. We don't have what we worked for or what we wanted Recovering, that is true. But at the end of the day...I don't know. How does that old saying go? Something about only an empty vessel can be filled? Or, that only the empty vessel has promise or potential?</p><p></p><p>Something like that.</p><p></p><p>And I think we talked before about the way the Japanese mend their broken pottery with gold, to highlight the breaking and the increased strength indicated by the mend, by the beauty of the scar, indicating healing and survival.</p><p></p><p>That thought isn't so clear to me right now. But that is the answering imagery I am seeing.</p><p></p><p>A big, round, empty bowl, of the kind they use to make that beautiful ringing tone ~ not a gonging, but that long ringing when they circle the pestle around and around the empty gold, bronze or silver bowl.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 613496, member: 1721"] I didn't mean to make you feel badly for me, Recovering. I'm okay, really. I remember how I felt about those FB comments your daughter sent. Probably this is the same thing? Something you can see that I am still defended against. Though I did spend a rough day or two when he first posted those things to me. On the other hand, he has never made a secret of what he believes about his life, about what he believes he was entitled to and did not get, or did not get enough of, or about us. It was the name calling and the hatred in it that took me aback. I think I believed that, somewhere inside, he knew the truth I know about why he is where he is in his life, and just didn't want to admit it. Ouch, right? Nothing else has worked, Recovering. This is worth a shot. I just didn't expect the hatred. ******************* Here is something good for you to know: I considered the good, healthy changes in your daughter's life as your detachment process progressed when assessing this latest business with difficult child son. As I've processed what is really going on here, I think I see that maybe it is his belief in my belief system that is keeping him stuck. Those beliefs keep him focused on what is behind him, keep him feeling he's been cheated, maybe. If I'd just said, "Quit acting like a jerk." all those years ago, maybe that would have been better than trying to justify or explain away [U]why[/U] he was acting like a jerk, why he got into drugs and etc. But whatever it is or was then, it is what it is, now. Just like it is for all of us, here on the site, the rotten things the kids do and say is hurtful. But we have all, every one of us, been through worse. The worst times are when we are still so innocent that we can be betrayed. It is just the way we thought it would be Recovering, when we first started trying to figure out how we were going to survive this: Our determined intent to see the end goal more clearly, and to make it through to the other side without hurting or hating anyone ~ especially, not ourselves, seems to be working. There is no right way to do this ~ not that I have been able to find, anyway. But what there is, is a way to survive it with our hearts and our hopes and our intentions, for our kids and for ourselves, intact. And that is an amazing thing to know. The way I am beginning to see it is that, as hard as we've fought for our kids ~ and everyone who searched until she found this site, who read until she found it worthwhile enough to post her own story, who stuck around afterwords to help the next mom or dad ~ every one of us here has fought for, and lost, a thing that meant more to her (or to him) than her own life. But we never gave up, Recovering. We never really give up on our kids, either. I don't see detaching as a way to stop caring about them, as a way to stop trying to help the kids. I see it as a way to survive something so painful that we might lose our own lives to depression or hopelessness or fear of incompetence or any of the thousand other things we might come to believe about ourselves because we could not save our children. I really liked MWM's "Wise Mind" concept. That says where we need to be and how that looks and feels so clearly. And I still find the Osteen materials incredibly meaningful. Brene Brown's concepts of shame, and of vulnerability, and of healing have shown us [U]how[/U] to do it. Think of all the ways we have found, here on the site, to keep ourselves sane, to keep stable, to keep standing, Recovering. In so many ways, we are participating in a living miracle, sharing what we learn, surrounding one another with strength and compassion, telling one another hard truths. We are doing so well, Recovering. **************** This, too: It's a genetic thing, an instinctual thing, I am so sure they will find, to keep parenting until your child is independent of you. So, we all need to stop berating ourselves because we haven't been able to turn away from our kids, however old they are. We are human. We chose love over indifference, chose love over resentment, chose love over hatred. And truly, any of those other choices would have seen us free of our kids. And maybe, that will still be the end result. So, we are in a strange place where nothing works as it should, where doing what feels right is the wrong thing, where we don't know how to act or react, where right and wrong literally have no meaning. But look at all of us here, Recovering! We are carving that path, maybe setting that new path for those who will come after us, showing them as we learn it ourselves, how to survive it, how to claim lives rich and full, whatever we have lost, whatever we are facing. I think we are amazing. It's good to remind ourselves of that, because so much of the time, being us really does suck. Seriously. :O) ******* Your description of our journey was so real it caught my breath, Recovering. But you know, I don't know that we are here at the end line empty-handed. We are who we are, we have what we have, what has happened has happened; every experience has found us digging deeper for solutions and for survival, until we've been forced right out of victim mode and into other, different definitions of both those terms. We don't have what we worked for or what we wanted Recovering, that is true. But at the end of the day...I don't know. How does that old saying go? Something about only an empty vessel can be filled? Or, that only the empty vessel has promise or potential? Something like that. And I think we talked before about the way the Japanese mend their broken pottery with gold, to highlight the breaking and the increased strength indicated by the mend, by the beauty of the scar, indicating healing and survival. That thought isn't so clear to me right now. But that is the answering imagery I am seeing. A big, round, empty bowl, of the kind they use to make that beautiful ringing tone ~ not a gonging, but that long ringing when they circle the pestle around and around the empty gold, bronze or silver bowl. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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