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Update: Detachment as Spiritual Practice, and an Update
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 613514" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I was responding to your comments about your sons attack at you, his hurtful comments to you, his escalating negative behavior to you.............I think for me, one of the gems along the way is the compassion I began to have for myself, it came in waves and sometimes made me cry because I hadn't really yet begun to see how much bad behavior I had put up with............once I began seeing that and stopping it, that compassion for myself grew. I think you are involved in that same process. I would be interested to hear how you are seeing that. So, perhaps I am responding to your initial post with more compassion for you then you presently have for yourself, I am not sure.</p><p></p><p>Like your son, my daughter maintained her remarkable entitlement and you may recall, that strange post she made on FB about mothers should put their children above their own needs. After all of that, I think what happened is she finally became aware that I just wasn't there anymore for money, blame, victimization, manipulation, any of it. Although I was available in a somewhat remote way, I did not enable her at all. She began to miss me. And, then yesterday, after spending Thanksgiving with all of us, she posted on FB that she had the best Thanksgiving because she was aware of how "blessed" she is to have us love her. She was grateful and appreciative. She learned, on some level, to be able to "see' me separate from her own childish needs and wants. She went on with that, but that is the gist of it. I can't recall ever hearing my daughter comment on being grateful, appreciative or in any way thankful for anything she had in her life.........ever............she always pointed out what I hadn't supplied her with, even if she had every possible thing in the world, she would find the one thing I didn't give her and then harp on that for YEARS. My point here is that while we are busy enabling them, they are busy never learning anything about gratitude or appreciation. If you had told me a year ago that my daughter would have posted anything remotely like that anywhere, I would have laughed and said, "you don't know my daughter." If you stop giving to your son, someday he may find himself feeling grateful for <em>you.</em></p><p></p><p>My comment about coming to the end game empty handed meant landing here, as parents of adults having used up all of our parental offerings. However, we are at the beginning of our own path, now free to move ahead without the shackles of responsibilities for another's path.</p><p></p><p>I agree that detachment is NOT to stop caring .....................and yet to clarify it for me, I really had to reach a point where I was <em>willing</em> to walk completely away. I think, for me, that willingness was very important because it framed the whole thing differently, there really was a limit to what I was willing to allow......even with my only child. </p><p></p><p>And, in terms of continuing to "help" the kids, that is a slippery slope for me, because the difference between enabling and helping is so remarkably small that it is a distinction easy to miss. My helping of my daughter really became almost non-existent. I had to ride that razor sharp edge of "yes I am here for you, but I really am not willing to do anything for you unless you start to do something for yourself." For me, going over a certain line I drew which for me delineated the enabling vs. loving kindness line, was unhealthy and I avoided it. I had to be continually reminded of that line though, which all those therapists and parents in the program I was in did for me. That FOG which we go into when our kids need something and we have the ability to provide it for them, was just way too powerful for me and I needed A LOT of support not to succumb to it. </p><p></p><p>I also have to say that there was a time where I <em>did</em> give up on my daughter, I really thought it was over between us, that we would eventually just drift into no relationship at all............I had to accept that as reality because in many ways, it was. For me, I think the idea of 'never giving up on them" ties me to a lifetime of possible enabling..............that "never" word or even the 'always' word are words I try to avoid. Perhaps I might have said, "I am hopeful that things may change", but the truth is I did give up. I think that surrender of control,that giving up, is part of detaching as well...............I raised the white flag at one point and really said, "I am now done." At that point, it was all up to my daughter and she was either going to show up or not. It really still can go either way too. </p><p></p><p>I do wholeheartedly agree that all of us here, every one of us, is amazing.............we get up every day and engage in whatever it takes to love our kids and yet learn how to let them go at the same time...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 613514, member: 13542"] I was responding to your comments about your sons attack at you, his hurtful comments to you, his escalating negative behavior to you.............I think for me, one of the gems along the way is the compassion I began to have for myself, it came in waves and sometimes made me cry because I hadn't really yet begun to see how much bad behavior I had put up with............once I began seeing that and stopping it, that compassion for myself grew. I think you are involved in that same process. I would be interested to hear how you are seeing that. So, perhaps I am responding to your initial post with more compassion for you then you presently have for yourself, I am not sure. Like your son, my daughter maintained her remarkable entitlement and you may recall, that strange post she made on FB about mothers should put their children above their own needs. After all of that, I think what happened is she finally became aware that I just wasn't there anymore for money, blame, victimization, manipulation, any of it. Although I was available in a somewhat remote way, I did not enable her at all. She began to miss me. And, then yesterday, after spending Thanksgiving with all of us, she posted on FB that she had the best Thanksgiving because she was aware of how "blessed" she is to have us love her. She was grateful and appreciative. She learned, on some level, to be able to "see' me separate from her own childish needs and wants. She went on with that, but that is the gist of it. I can't recall ever hearing my daughter comment on being grateful, appreciative or in any way thankful for anything she had in her life.........ever............she always pointed out what I hadn't supplied her with, even if she had every possible thing in the world, she would find the one thing I didn't give her and then harp on that for YEARS. My point here is that while we are busy enabling them, they are busy never learning anything about gratitude or appreciation. If you had told me a year ago that my daughter would have posted anything remotely like that anywhere, I would have laughed and said, "you don't know my daughter." If you stop giving to your son, someday he may find himself feeling grateful for [I]you.[/I] My comment about coming to the end game empty handed meant landing here, as parents of adults having used up all of our parental offerings. However, we are at the beginning of our own path, now free to move ahead without the shackles of responsibilities for another's path. I agree that detachment is NOT to stop caring .....................and yet to clarify it for me, I really had to reach a point where I was [I]willing[/I] to walk completely away. I think, for me, that willingness was very important because it framed the whole thing differently, there really was a limit to what I was willing to allow......even with my only child. And, in terms of continuing to "help" the kids, that is a slippery slope for me, because the difference between enabling and helping is so remarkably small that it is a distinction easy to miss. My helping of my daughter really became almost non-existent. I had to ride that razor sharp edge of "yes I am here for you, but I really am not willing to do anything for you unless you start to do something for yourself." For me, going over a certain line I drew which for me delineated the enabling vs. loving kindness line, was unhealthy and I avoided it. I had to be continually reminded of that line though, which all those therapists and parents in the program I was in did for me. That FOG which we go into when our kids need something and we have the ability to provide it for them, was just way too powerful for me and I needed A LOT of support not to succumb to it. I also have to say that there was a time where I [I]did[/I] give up on my daughter, I really thought it was over between us, that we would eventually just drift into no relationship at all............I had to accept that as reality because in many ways, it was. For me, I think the idea of 'never giving up on them" ties me to a lifetime of possible enabling..............that "never" word or even the 'always' word are words I try to avoid. Perhaps I might have said, "I am hopeful that things may change", but the truth is I did give up. I think that surrender of control,that giving up, is part of detaching as well...............I raised the white flag at one point and really said, "I am now done." At that point, it was all up to my daughter and she was either going to show up or not. It really still can go either way too. I do wholeheartedly agree that all of us here, every one of us, is amazing.............we get up every day and engage in whatever it takes to love our kids and yet learn how to let them go at the same time........... [/QUOTE]
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