Thank you all for your kind responses.
Yes it is, I remember when I first came on this forum, I so wanted to hear that there were others who managed to live through this. I wanted so much to be there too, but at that time, I couldn't even imagine it! Thank goodness we CAN change!
For her to sincerely be responsible on some level for her actions is a HUGE step in the right direction. In the past, she has not taken any responsibility for anything, she had an uncanny way of somehow NOT seeing it and of dispersing the responsibility onto others. I knew in my heart that when that legal action began that she had to own up to that or I was out of the picture. I felt that it was a turning point for both of us. She really wanted to run. When she told me that, I mapped out what that choice would bring, as it had the last time she ran.........when confronted with the truth, with what the outcome would be, for whatever reason, she realized it was a bad choice. She did not want to go to jail which is what prompted the "run" idea.......and in the past, her not wanting to go to jail would trump any other choice. That's exactly how she got in all the legal trouble in the first place. In order to NOT go to jail the first time, she plead guilty to something she didn't do. She would have gotten off in 2 weeks, she never had any issues with the law before, but she would not stay in jail for the 2 weeks. That began a 4 year terrible situation where she was continually picked up by the police for probation violations and put back in the place she was terrified to be in. I was actually pretty surprised that she chose to go to court and face it. And, the fact that it turned out to be a relatively positive outcome, she now has a direct experience of doing the right thing. Hopefully, she'll build on that.
For me, I needed to share with my daughter more than how it saddened me and how helpless I felt, I told her how it felt to me, how scared I was, how much stress I was under, how it messed up my life to worry about her, how it impacted my health, how it ripped my joy from me.....I didn't minimize or edit it this time, I really expressed all of it. I think she needed to hear about the harm her actions caused for not only me, but her daughter and many others. She acted very badly for a very long time and I told her that for any of us to move forward, we need to clean up the past, make amends to those we harmed. I believe in "right" timing and that was the right timing for me to express all of that to my daughter and apparently, it was the right time for her to hear it.
COM, I believe that is the crux of it. When I realized that I could change and I got the support to make those changes......EVERYTHING changed. Once I took that responsibility and began the journey of detachment and acceptance, it changed every part of my life. It removed me from a number of places in my life that had become toxic due to my own 'stuff'.....my own perceptions and beliefs.......I too was insulted when I first realized that I had to change! Waiting for my daughter to change kept me stuck in resentment, anger, grief and powerlessness......when I took the action to change, I once again had my power back........I had to learn how to detach, I had to learn how to accept what is, it was not natural......but man, it brings peace, it brings back the joy.......it's been a remarkable, life changing couple of years.......and the most profound realization I've had is that the devastation that my daughter's choices brought to my life that forced me to change.....ushered in what I needed in order to fully engage in life, to experience peace of mind, to deepen my own joy and well being......so the worst possible situation brought about the most significant shift in my own experience of life. And, it appears, in my daughter's life too.
A therapist told me that it is a huge transition for folks that many don't initially see. I honestly think it was the biggest transition of my life, perhaps because mine came at the same time as letting go of my granddaughter and the changes with my daughter. There is the initial experience of a kind of euphoria, however, I've read that the stage after that is the grief, the not knowing who you are and what to do. A lot flew in for me to deal with, the aging process, letting go of "youth" in a very real way, really feeling that emptiness, learning how to identify myself differently, allowing a new identity to unfold and being able to walk through the time when that new identity hasn't shown up yet. However, now that much of that is over, a whole bunch of new possibilities are emerging. And, that is really cool!
