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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 703340" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi SS. I can only tell you what I would do imagining myself in your situation.</p><p></p><p>First I do not do FB, as I have few friends and no family I am in touch with. All I have to deal with is a landline. If it were me I would not do any social media for now, and cut off any means that your son can abuse you. This is abuse.</p><p></p><p>Your son aided and abetted; he told or provoked this stranger to insult you, to invade your space and to abuse you. I would not permit it. I would be concerned that son will escalate. I would worry that he will come to your door. I would prepare mentally for this, you and your husband, and I would make a plan on how to prevent it and what to do if it occurs.</p><p></p><p>I do not believe you are overreacting. If anything, I feel you are not taking it seriously enough. I am sorry and my intention is not to be cruel, but this behavior of your son is predatory.</p><p></p><p>There is at least one time in the past, when I raised the possibility of being open to his reaching out. I was wrong. The behavior he has engaged in does not in any way encourage openness to him. Nor compassion. Let the woman, the real estate agent have him over for Thanksgiving. And Christmas too.</p><p></p><p>For years and years (even with a baby, and child) I had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving. I had never hurt anybody, deliberately. I supported myself and I achieved by my own efforts and my own dime. Nobody owed me. Sad, I was, sometimes, but I did not retaliate or blame anybody. I am not saying I am good or better. I am saying that grown people are responsible for themselves.</p><p></p><p>This is the last thing I would do. Advocate for him with your family or anybody else. Don't. By doing so, you as much as admit that you owe him, are culpable, and that you are responsible.</p><p></p><p>You are not. He is responsible. For himself and for being hurtful to you, your husband and countless other people.</p><p> If it were me I would never, ever go where he is or could be. Not after this FB message. He as if let loose and baited a mean, vicious pit bull and urged the poor creature to attack you.</p><p></p><p>This attack on you was vicious, purposeful and it should not be rewarded. Nor should you risk a reoccurrence.</p><p></p><p>If you have an invitation to family in the town where he is, I would call the family member and I would tell them briefly a part of the truth:</p><p></p><p><em>It makes sense for us to go out to dinner near home (or stay home this year). There is the possibility that us coming, could contribute to discomfort. I would never want you or your guests, or family to be exposed to something uncomfortable, because of us. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I would say not one word more. If anything, I would say less. But I do not know the culture of your family, so I cannot really recommend any specific course of action. Just,<em> be careful</em>.</p><p></p><p>Just remember this (you already know it): your son created this by deliberate, consistent, ongoing choices on his part that were hurtful, self-destructive, destructive and irresponsible. Because of your love for him, you endured way more than most parents or people would endure. It is not your fault. The situation he has put himself in, is not your responsibility to fix.</p><p></p><p>At some point, if son shows a pattern of consistent, positive change, I know you will be open to something different. <em>By this last action he has done you and his father a great service. He has revealed clearly that the time to open up to him, or to be near him or risk this, is not now</em>, and it will not be in the near future.</p><p></p><p>I do not know why this act of cruelty by him has so affected me, but it has. Maybe others will come soon and have another viewpoint.</p><p></p><p>You know by my posts about my own child, and posts to others that typically I urge taking risks--because we love them so much--and to support them to change. I urge this because I believe it is best for us, to act where possible, from our love and hope.</p><p></p><p>But by this I do not mean to volunteer to be red meat for a pit bull, or bait for a shark. You get the drift. Stay away.</p><p></p><p>To risk any contact with him or to intervene to protect him would be construed as capitulation and responsibility. He would use it to attack you and hurt you.</p><p></p><p>I urge caution.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry if by being blunt I have caused you pain. It is not my intention.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 703340, member: 18958"] Hi SS. I can only tell you what I would do imagining myself in your situation. First I do not do FB, as I have few friends and no family I am in touch with. All I have to deal with is a landline. If it were me I would not do any social media for now, and cut off any means that your son can abuse you. This is abuse. Your son aided and abetted; he told or provoked this stranger to insult you, to invade your space and to abuse you. I would not permit it. I would be concerned that son will escalate. I would worry that he will come to your door. I would prepare mentally for this, you and your husband, and I would make a plan on how to prevent it and what to do if it occurs. I do not believe you are overreacting. If anything, I feel you are not taking it seriously enough. I am sorry and my intention is not to be cruel, but this behavior of your son is predatory. There is at least one time in the past, when I raised the possibility of being open to his reaching out. I was wrong. The behavior he has engaged in does not in any way encourage openness to him. Nor compassion. Let the woman, the real estate agent have him over for Thanksgiving. And Christmas too. For years and years (even with a baby, and child) I had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving. I had never hurt anybody, deliberately. I supported myself and I achieved by my own efforts and my own dime. Nobody owed me. Sad, I was, sometimes, but I did not retaliate or blame anybody. I am not saying I am good or better. I am saying that grown people are responsible for themselves. This is the last thing I would do. Advocate for him with your family or anybody else. Don't. By doing so, you as much as admit that you owe him, are culpable, and that you are responsible. You are not. He is responsible. For himself and for being hurtful to you, your husband and countless other people. If it were me I would never, ever go where he is or could be. Not after this FB message. He as if let loose and baited a mean, vicious pit bull and urged the poor creature to attack you. This attack on you was vicious, purposeful and it should not be rewarded. Nor should you risk a reoccurrence. If you have an invitation to family in the town where he is, I would call the family member and I would tell them briefly a part of the truth: [I]It makes sense for us to go out to dinner near home (or stay home this year). There is the possibility that us coming, could contribute to discomfort. I would never want you or your guests, or family to be exposed to something uncomfortable, because of us. [/I] I would say not one word more. If anything, I would say less. But I do not know the culture of your family, so I cannot really recommend any specific course of action. Just,[I] be careful[/I]. Just remember this (you already know it): your son created this by deliberate, consistent, ongoing choices on his part that were hurtful, self-destructive, destructive and irresponsible. Because of your love for him, you endured way more than most parents or people would endure. It is not your fault. The situation he has put himself in, is not your responsibility to fix. At some point, if son shows a pattern of consistent, positive change, I know you will be open to something different. [I]By this last action he has done you and his father a great service. He has revealed clearly that the time to open up to him, or to be near him or risk this, is not now[/I], and it will not be in the near future. I do not know why this act of cruelty by him has so affected me, but it has. Maybe others will come soon and have another viewpoint. You know by my posts about my own child, and posts to others that typically I urge taking risks--because we love them so much--and to support them to change. I urge this because I believe it is best for us, to act where possible, from our love and hope. But by this I do not mean to volunteer to be red meat for a pit bull, or bait for a shark. You get the drift. Stay away. To risk any contact with him or to intervene to protect him would be construed as capitulation and responsibility. He would use it to attack you and hurt you. I urge caution. I am sorry if by being blunt I have caused you pain. It is not my intention. [/QUOTE]
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