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Update on 28 yo son
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742101" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>You're doing the right thing holding firm. I will NEVER co-sign on anything for any of my kids. (My one exception was E's undergrad student loans, which were not large since her scholarships covered most, and she is a responsible kid.) For my wayward ones, I know co-sign would mean I'm going to either end up paying for all of it, or accept that my credit rating is going to be trashed. Their dad already did that to me once and I've worked way, way too hard to rebuild to let that happen again. I don't do loans to my kids, period. If I can't afford to make it a gift outright, with no expectation I'll ever get it back, I don't do it. </p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry he's treating you so poorly. There is no excuse. Military kids and plenty of others get moved around a lot and do fine. If that's the best he's got to hold over your head, he's got nothing. And as an adult, he is responsible for his own circumstances, regardless of what kind of upbringing he had or what you did or did not do for him growing up. It sounds like you gave him a loving home and did everything you could for him, but even kids growing up in abusive households or extreme neglect eventually must learn to take responsibility for their own lives. His thinking that you somehow "owe" him a car, or anything else, is extremely entitled and off base. </p><p></p><p>His "well, I guess I'll go live a life of crime, then" response sounds to me like more manipulation. Something to try to shock you. He wants you to feel sorry for him or feel shocked into giving him what he wants to try to prevent this outcome. And if he is serious and goes down this path, it is his decision and not a reflection on you or your husband. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know it feels shocking to have this go through your mind, but I understand. Hope is a double-edged sword. It can keep us going, but it also can keep us in limbo and keep us from moving on with our lives. When we are still holding out hope, there is no closure. Each tiny move towards progress rekindles our hope and sends it blazing, and then we find that hope dashed over and over and over again as they keep making the same bad choices. It can be excruciating. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think this gets to the heart of the work we are doing on this board. Learning to live, and to want to live, regardless of what is happening with our children. To learn to let go of the pain and find joy in our own lives again. This is what I want for you, Beta. </p><p></p><p>I think for me I've had to bury my hope to let go of the pain. I have to live with no expectation for my two wayward children, and accept that I have no control over their choices or their outcomes. One or both of them may end up in prison. One or both of them may precede me in death. I can't control it. Burying myself in worry or pain does not change it. I have to give myself permission to live, regardless of what is or isn't happening with them. I'm better at this some days than others. Some days, like yesterday, something knocks me out of equilibrium. Some days one of them gives me a reason to rekindle hope and I find myself back in the FOG again. </p><p></p><p>I hope you can find a way to make therapy happen, even if it is only a few sessions. If you had a broken leg, you would see a doctor, even if it isn't in the budget. Our mental health is no different. If you are feeling this sad on a regular basis, you need to make yourself a priority. If you have insurance, see what it will cover and what your copays would be. If you don't have insurance that covers mental health (as a freelancer, I don't) see if there are low-cost options that charge on a sliding scale or allow you to make payments. It doesn't have to be an indefinite time with lots of sessions. I found a half dozen sessions with a therapist trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helped tremendously. I don't go regularly now, but can go in for an occasional "tune-up" if I am having an especially tough time with something. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know. I have, for years, described parenting my wayward ones, most especially S, as pouring love into a bottomless cup. It feels sometimes like everything I have done is useless and wasted. But I don't really believe that. I can't believe it. I don't think love is ever wasted, even if we don't see the fruits at a given time. I have to believe that the seeds are still there somewhere, waiting to grow at the right time, when they are ready. And if they never grow, love is still valuable for itself, even if there is no visible result. </p><p></p><p>Big hugs to you, Beta. Take care of yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742101, member: 23349"] You're doing the right thing holding firm. I will NEVER co-sign on anything for any of my kids. (My one exception was E's undergrad student loans, which were not large since her scholarships covered most, and she is a responsible kid.) For my wayward ones, I know co-sign would mean I'm going to either end up paying for all of it, or accept that my credit rating is going to be trashed. Their dad already did that to me once and I've worked way, way too hard to rebuild to let that happen again. I don't do loans to my kids, period. If I can't afford to make it a gift outright, with no expectation I'll ever get it back, I don't do it. I'm so sorry he's treating you so poorly. There is no excuse. Military kids and plenty of others get moved around a lot and do fine. If that's the best he's got to hold over your head, he's got nothing. And as an adult, he is responsible for his own circumstances, regardless of what kind of upbringing he had or what you did or did not do for him growing up. It sounds like you gave him a loving home and did everything you could for him, but even kids growing up in abusive households or extreme neglect eventually must learn to take responsibility for their own lives. His thinking that you somehow "owe" him a car, or anything else, is extremely entitled and off base. His "well, I guess I'll go live a life of crime, then" response sounds to me like more manipulation. Something to try to shock you. He wants you to feel sorry for him or feel shocked into giving him what he wants to try to prevent this outcome. And if he is serious and goes down this path, it is his decision and not a reflection on you or your husband. I know it feels shocking to have this go through your mind, but I understand. Hope is a double-edged sword. It can keep us going, but it also can keep us in limbo and keep us from moving on with our lives. When we are still holding out hope, there is no closure. Each tiny move towards progress rekindles our hope and sends it blazing, and then we find that hope dashed over and over and over again as they keep making the same bad choices. It can be excruciating. I think this gets to the heart of the work we are doing on this board. Learning to live, and to want to live, regardless of what is happening with our children. To learn to let go of the pain and find joy in our own lives again. This is what I want for you, Beta. I think for me I've had to bury my hope to let go of the pain. I have to live with no expectation for my two wayward children, and accept that I have no control over their choices or their outcomes. One or both of them may end up in prison. One or both of them may precede me in death. I can't control it. Burying myself in worry or pain does not change it. I have to give myself permission to live, regardless of what is or isn't happening with them. I'm better at this some days than others. Some days, like yesterday, something knocks me out of equilibrium. Some days one of them gives me a reason to rekindle hope and I find myself back in the FOG again. I hope you can find a way to make therapy happen, even if it is only a few sessions. If you had a broken leg, you would see a doctor, even if it isn't in the budget. Our mental health is no different. If you are feeling this sad on a regular basis, you need to make yourself a priority. If you have insurance, see what it will cover and what your copays would be. If you don't have insurance that covers mental health (as a freelancer, I don't) see if there are low-cost options that charge on a sliding scale or allow you to make payments. It doesn't have to be an indefinite time with lots of sessions. I found a half dozen sessions with a therapist trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helped tremendously. I don't go regularly now, but can go in for an occasional "tune-up" if I am having an especially tough time with something. I know. I have, for years, described parenting my wayward ones, most especially S, as pouring love into a bottomless cup. It feels sometimes like everything I have done is useless and wasted. But I don't really believe that. I can't believe it. I don't think love is ever wasted, even if we don't see the fruits at a given time. I have to believe that the seeds are still there somewhere, waiting to grow at the right time, when they are ready. And if they never grow, love is still valuable for itself, even if there is no visible result. Big hugs to you, Beta. Take care of yourself. [/QUOTE]
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