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Update on 28 yo son
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 742102" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Beta, I'm so glad you reached out to us. </p><p></p><p></p><p>Your son is using guilt as a manipulation tool. He is counting on making you feel bad and responsible for the poor choices he made. He's counting on you caving in and giving him what he wants.</p><p>My son has done the same thing with me and my husband. This is just what our difficult adult children do. They refuse to take responsibility for the poor choices they have made. They never see their role in what they do or the consequences that follow.</p><p>Your son is an adult, he is no longer your responsibility. I know it's hard but you need to stay strong and keep telling him no. I and many others here have actually written down simple responses to offer when under attack from our child. </p><p>Son: You and dad are so selfish. You never do anything for me.</p><p>You: I'm sorry you feel that way.</p><p>Son: Why won't you help me!!</p><p>You: I am not able to help you.</p><p>Son: You're not answering me, I asked you why you won't help me!!!</p><p>You: I am not able to help you.</p><p>At this point in the conversation simply tell him "I have to go now, I love you, bye" and hang up.</p><p>My son always tried to get me in an argument where he would just start talking in circles and I was left feeling dazed, confused, hurt, guilty, etc....... </p><p>You have the power over how you communicate with him by setting boundaries and sticking to them.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Beta, you are in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) I too was once lost in the FOG. I lost many nights sleep worrying and wondering where my son was. When he would go to jail/prison I would worry. The only way I was able to move past this and come out of the FOG was through acceptance. I had to accept that yes the very worst could happen. I had to accept that I have no control over any of it. I had to let it go and was able to come out of the FOG.</p><p>My son will be 37 in a couple of months. He has lived the majority of his life being homeless. He has been in jail and prison more than a few times. He was just recently released from prison. I'm sure he has been in many fights - I don't want or need to know. This last time he went to prison was assault with a knife. He very well could have killed someone. I would be horrified if that were to happen but I also would not wallow in it or let it consume me. My son makes his own choices just like your son does. I nor you have any control over what they do. </p><p>We do have control over how we respond to them.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh dear lady I too have had those exact same thoughts!!</p><p></p><p>Your son just like mine, just like so many others will weave in and out of our lives. They are our children and we love them but we cannot save them. Only they can save themselves and only if they choose to do so. We as parents are not getting any younger and need to be living our own lives for ourselves. That is not selfish, that is healthy. </p><p></p><p>As for hope, I allow myself to hold onto 1% of hope for my son. I will always have hope that he will start to make better life choices but I will not pine over it, I will not let it consume me. I will live my life and I have released him to live his life. I don't like the way he lives or the choices he makes but I accept them.</p><p></p><p>I hope you are able to come out of the FOG, there is so much life for you to live without the fog surrounding you.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 742102, member: 18516"] Hi Beta, I'm so glad you reached out to us. Your son is using guilt as a manipulation tool. He is counting on making you feel bad and responsible for the poor choices he made. He's counting on you caving in and giving him what he wants. My son has done the same thing with me and my husband. This is just what our difficult adult children do. They refuse to take responsibility for the poor choices they have made. They never see their role in what they do or the consequences that follow. Your son is an adult, he is no longer your responsibility. I know it's hard but you need to stay strong and keep telling him no. I and many others here have actually written down simple responses to offer when under attack from our child. Son: You and dad are so selfish. You never do anything for me. You: I'm sorry you feel that way. Son: Why won't you help me!! You: I am not able to help you. Son: You're not answering me, I asked you why you won't help me!!! You: I am not able to help you. At this point in the conversation simply tell him "I have to go now, I love you, bye" and hang up. My son always tried to get me in an argument where he would just start talking in circles and I was left feeling dazed, confused, hurt, guilty, etc....... You have the power over how you communicate with him by setting boundaries and sticking to them. Beta, you are in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) I too was once lost in the FOG. I lost many nights sleep worrying and wondering where my son was. When he would go to jail/prison I would worry. The only way I was able to move past this and come out of the FOG was through acceptance. I had to accept that yes the very worst could happen. I had to accept that I have no control over any of it. I had to let it go and was able to come out of the FOG. My son will be 37 in a couple of months. He has lived the majority of his life being homeless. He has been in jail and prison more than a few times. He was just recently released from prison. I'm sure he has been in many fights - I don't want or need to know. This last time he went to prison was assault with a knife. He very well could have killed someone. I would be horrified if that were to happen but I also would not wallow in it or let it consume me. My son makes his own choices just like your son does. I nor you have any control over what they do. We do have control over how we respond to them. Oh dear lady I too have had those exact same thoughts!! Your son just like mine, just like so many others will weave in and out of our lives. They are our children and we love them but we cannot save them. Only they can save themselves and only if they choose to do so. We as parents are not getting any younger and need to be living our own lives for ourselves. That is not selfish, that is healthy. As for hope, I allow myself to hold onto 1% of hope for my son. I will always have hope that he will start to make better life choices but I will not pine over it, I will not let it consume me. I will live my life and I have released him to live his life. I don't like the way he lives or the choices he makes but I accept them. I hope you are able to come out of the FOG, there is so much life for you to live without the fog surrounding you. ((HUGS)) [/QUOTE]
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