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Update on difficult child who recently moved out. Could it be?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620369" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Sabine...most of us have. I know this shocks you. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd do it. Sometimes there is no choice. Some of us send them out and still help a little. Some of our kids have lived on the streets or are living on the streets. I have done it.</p><p></p><p>My daughter is clean now. It has been ten years. We sent her out with nothing. Her brother did take her in, but he is VERY straight and the conditions were if she so much as lit up one cigarette she was out on the street and she knew he meant it. Almost as soon as she moved there, she quit her drug use, detoxing in his basement, not telling anyone, but just doing it. She got a job, walking to and from work. She helped him with the chores and cooking (it was mandatory for her). She paid him rent. She grew up. She did everything she COULD have done at home, but would not do because she knew we'd pick her up if she fell. She went back to college and paid for it, getting financial aid. She owns a house with her boyfriend now. She is expecting my first grandaughter. We are the best of friends.</p><p></p><p>Yes, I cried for three straight weeks after I did it. Other than the roof over her head, she had no money and her brother wasn't going to give her any. She left saying, "I'll hate you forever." Now she says, "You did the right thing or nothing would have changed." I went to Narc-Anon and therapy and was supported in this move. Even if she had not been able to talk her brother into taking her in, she was out of the house with nothing. She had broken the rules too many times, been arrested too many times, she was on the road to death and destruction and jail. I wasn't going to help her get there by making it cozy for her to do so. Do you know what? She even quit smoking cigarettes. I know her baby will be VERY healthy. She won't even take an aspirin.</p><p></p><p>We do our children who are adults no favors helping them stay children and dependent upon us. Please do not judge us or speak harshly to us. We are further along in our journey than you are. We are a tough love group. Our home/our rules. For most of us, we struggle not to enable our adult children so that they have the opportunity to grow up and treat others with the respect we deserve. We as parents are as important as our children and being abused is not something we tolerate. You are not as close to retirement as most of us. It is unfair of us to give up our retirement money to fund a drugged up or lazy adult just because he or she will not get his or her life together. You will not find many of us who don't set strong limits on our adult children. They have the choice...follow our rules or leave. They usually tend to swear, abuse us, then leave. So they have made the decision to walk out that door. Some of us HAVE used up part of our retirement before we saw it doesn't help our kids and it makes OUR lives horrible.</p><p></p><p>Read some of our stories. We are not enablers and most of us have cut off the money supply after seeing that it does not change our adult children one wit. Now, we also are very tolerant. You do what you feel is right, but you also have to respect our paths and what we do and we do it from our own experiences. We can not get ill, have a heart attack or die because we are still parenting a 25 year old child when we are 55. Other people love us and want us around. Our difficult children think it's all about them, but it's not.Your oldest is 13. It is hard for somebody with such a young oldest (smile) to understand how it gets when your "child" is 23 and still acting 10 and refuses to look for a job or grow up. You're not there yet. I hope you never are.</p><p></p><p>Likely if you send a difficult child who is 23 to a campground, assuming he'd go, he would find drug users and not even stay at the campgrounds. We have tried, many of us have tried. to get places for our difficult children to stay and they don't or they get thrown out for behavior. What would you do if your 23 year old adult child came home high, threatened you or hit you, stole your money, swore at you, scared you? You can't know that yet, but this is what we face here. These adult kids do not listen to what we want them to do or we wouldn't be here. They tend to have no respect for "normal" and spurn societal norms. Many of us have been assaulted, robbed and threatened by our own children. It is not like a thirteen year old at all. I wish you luck with your children, but they are still young enough where you have some control over them.</p><p></p><p>Now I respect that the campground worked for you. If you read our stories, you will see that most of our grown kids have NO DESIRE to fit into society, to make money by holding a job (except perhaps drug dealing) and are non-compliant when we get them places to stay, which is why they are homeless. Trust me on this.Some do get food stamps and other help, yet others panhandle and, again, the ole sell drugs bit. That is where most of our kids actually are at. They are not motivated by anything other than to come home, banging on the door, often in the middle of the night, demanding we buy this or that for them. When we give them money, they don't buy food, they buy drugs. I'm happy for you that you were overwise motivated and I commend you. If only it were always that simple to motivate our grown kids!</p><p></p><p>With that, I would ask that before you lash out, you read first. And remember that our children are much older than yours and things change when they are legally able to do whatever the hello they want to do. You are not in our shoes. I hope you never are.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for your consideration and have a peaceful day <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620369, member: 1550"] Sabine...most of us have. I know this shocks you. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd do it. Sometimes there is no choice. Some of us send them out and still help a little. Some of our kids have lived on the streets or are living on the streets. I have done it. My daughter is clean now. It has been ten years. We sent her out with nothing. Her brother did take her in, but he is VERY straight and the conditions were if she so much as lit up one cigarette she was out on the street and she knew he meant it. Almost as soon as she moved there, she quit her drug use, detoxing in his basement, not telling anyone, but just doing it. She got a job, walking to and from work. She helped him with the chores and cooking (it was mandatory for her). She paid him rent. She grew up. She did everything she COULD have done at home, but would not do because she knew we'd pick her up if she fell. She went back to college and paid for it, getting financial aid. She owns a house with her boyfriend now. She is expecting my first grandaughter. We are the best of friends. Yes, I cried for three straight weeks after I did it. Other than the roof over her head, she had no money and her brother wasn't going to give her any. She left saying, "I'll hate you forever." Now she says, "You did the right thing or nothing would have changed." I went to Narc-Anon and therapy and was supported in this move. Even if she had not been able to talk her brother into taking her in, she was out of the house with nothing. She had broken the rules too many times, been arrested too many times, she was on the road to death and destruction and jail. I wasn't going to help her get there by making it cozy for her to do so. Do you know what? She even quit smoking cigarettes. I know her baby will be VERY healthy. She won't even take an aspirin. We do our children who are adults no favors helping them stay children and dependent upon us. Please do not judge us or speak harshly to us. We are further along in our journey than you are. We are a tough love group. Our home/our rules. For most of us, we struggle not to enable our adult children so that they have the opportunity to grow up and treat others with the respect we deserve. We as parents are as important as our children and being abused is not something we tolerate. You are not as close to retirement as most of us. It is unfair of us to give up our retirement money to fund a drugged up or lazy adult just because he or she will not get his or her life together. You will not find many of us who don't set strong limits on our adult children. They have the choice...follow our rules or leave. They usually tend to swear, abuse us, then leave. So they have made the decision to walk out that door. Some of us HAVE used up part of our retirement before we saw it doesn't help our kids and it makes OUR lives horrible. Read some of our stories. We are not enablers and most of us have cut off the money supply after seeing that it does not change our adult children one wit. Now, we also are very tolerant. You do what you feel is right, but you also have to respect our paths and what we do and we do it from our own experiences. We can not get ill, have a heart attack or die because we are still parenting a 25 year old child when we are 55. Other people love us and want us around. Our difficult children think it's all about them, but it's not.Your oldest is 13. It is hard for somebody with such a young oldest (smile) to understand how it gets when your "child" is 23 and still acting 10 and refuses to look for a job or grow up. You're not there yet. I hope you never are. Likely if you send a difficult child who is 23 to a campground, assuming he'd go, he would find drug users and not even stay at the campgrounds. We have tried, many of us have tried. to get places for our difficult children to stay and they don't or they get thrown out for behavior. What would you do if your 23 year old adult child came home high, threatened you or hit you, stole your money, swore at you, scared you? You can't know that yet, but this is what we face here. These adult kids do not listen to what we want them to do or we wouldn't be here. They tend to have no respect for "normal" and spurn societal norms. Many of us have been assaulted, robbed and threatened by our own children. It is not like a thirteen year old at all. I wish you luck with your children, but they are still young enough where you have some control over them. Now I respect that the campground worked for you. If you read our stories, you will see that most of our grown kids have NO DESIRE to fit into society, to make money by holding a job (except perhaps drug dealing) and are non-compliant when we get them places to stay, which is why they are homeless. Trust me on this.Some do get food stamps and other help, yet others panhandle and, again, the ole sell drugs bit. That is where most of our kids actually are at. They are not motivated by anything other than to come home, banging on the door, often in the middle of the night, demanding we buy this or that for them. When we give them money, they don't buy food, they buy drugs. I'm happy for you that you were overwise motivated and I commend you. If only it were always that simple to motivate our grown kids! With that, I would ask that before you lash out, you read first. And remember that our children are much older than yours and things change when they are legally able to do whatever the hello they want to do. You are not in our shoes. I hope you never are. Thank you for your consideration and have a peaceful day :) [/QUOTE]
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Update on difficult child who recently moved out. Could it be?
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