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Update on dtr that got sent home from boot camp
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 725196" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>your granddau has shown you over and over that she isn't ready to value what you value. She wants to live the party life from the comfort of your home. If you are fine with that, what you are doing will work. If you are not fine with that, then you probably need to change something. Only you can decide what. </p><p></p><p>I still remember my mother telling my brother to go and live on what he could earn if he was so determined to not go to college or get any training past high school. I think your granddau needs to spend some time living on her own resources and dealing with her own problems without having you chasing her around to fix her problems. She doesn't value what you do for her. Not the laundry, or the help with the car, or the nice home, or the full fridge. She loves you, in her very limited way. </p><p></p><p>My brother took over 20 years to realize that my parents didn't throw him out on a whim. That they did this in response to his behaviors. He had to get sober and get his life straightened out and stop lying to himself to see what a messed up kid he had been. </p><p></p><p>Your granddau may not say nice things to you for a long time. I am so sorry about that. It is what difficult kids do. In time she might come around, if she straightens out. Or she might not. The difference is that you will have a much better quality of life if you stop chasing her around and working harder to fix her life than she is. </p><p></p><p>She doesn't think her life is broken. She doesn't want it to be fixed. Until her life is hard, she won't change. All the things you provide, keep her trapped in the cycle of addiction. I don't say that to be mean. The full fridge and clean laundry and nice home are things you provide from a place of love. Sadly, they make her life easy and comfortable. They don't help her break her dysfunctional cycles or learn the hard lessons about the way she is living her life. A big part of the reason that SWOT's daughter cleaned up is because her life got super hard super fast. I don't think you can make your granddau's life that hard, but you can make it a lot harder than it is right now. </p><p></p><p>Why not go into Grambo mode but turn Grambo loose on granddau? Put Grambo between granddau and the comfy life so that granddau has to put up or go live her choices? You have given her chance after chance after chance. When is too much enough? When do you count? </p><p></p><p>Why are you not as valuable as she is? Financial planners always say to pay yourself first. One therapist I had told me to do that emotionally also. Set aside what you need for yourself and make everyone respect that. It made a big difference to our quality of life when I started to do that. It was a small adjustment for the rest of the family but it improved overall peace and happiness greatly. Put yourself first for a while. It is NOT NOT NOT selfishness. It is just plain smart. Haven't you earned it after all of these years?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 725196, member: 1233"] your granddau has shown you over and over that she isn't ready to value what you value. She wants to live the party life from the comfort of your home. If you are fine with that, what you are doing will work. If you are not fine with that, then you probably need to change something. Only you can decide what. I still remember my mother telling my brother to go and live on what he could earn if he was so determined to not go to college or get any training past high school. I think your granddau needs to spend some time living on her own resources and dealing with her own problems without having you chasing her around to fix her problems. She doesn't value what you do for her. Not the laundry, or the help with the car, or the nice home, or the full fridge. She loves you, in her very limited way. My brother took over 20 years to realize that my parents didn't throw him out on a whim. That they did this in response to his behaviors. He had to get sober and get his life straightened out and stop lying to himself to see what a messed up kid he had been. Your granddau may not say nice things to you for a long time. I am so sorry about that. It is what difficult kids do. In time she might come around, if she straightens out. Or she might not. The difference is that you will have a much better quality of life if you stop chasing her around and working harder to fix her life than she is. She doesn't think her life is broken. She doesn't want it to be fixed. Until her life is hard, she won't change. All the things you provide, keep her trapped in the cycle of addiction. I don't say that to be mean. The full fridge and clean laundry and nice home are things you provide from a place of love. Sadly, they make her life easy and comfortable. They don't help her break her dysfunctional cycles or learn the hard lessons about the way she is living her life. A big part of the reason that SWOT's daughter cleaned up is because her life got super hard super fast. I don't think you can make your granddau's life that hard, but you can make it a lot harder than it is right now. Why not go into Grambo mode but turn Grambo loose on granddau? Put Grambo between granddau and the comfy life so that granddau has to put up or go live her choices? You have given her chance after chance after chance. When is too much enough? When do you count? Why are you not as valuable as she is? Financial planners always say to pay yourself first. One therapist I had told me to do that emotionally also. Set aside what you need for yourself and make everyone respect that. It made a big difference to our quality of life when I started to do that. It was a small adjustment for the rest of the family but it improved overall peace and happiness greatly. Put yourself first for a while. It is NOT NOT NOT selfishness. It is just plain smart. Haven't you earned it after all of these years? [/QUOTE]
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