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Update on my difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 599587" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Blackgnat, I hear you when you ask the questions of why? I understand the anger and the feeling of being ripped off of a "normal" relationship with our children...sigh........most of us probably feel much of that, or have. It's been mentioned here a number of times, but it does bear repeating, this process of detachment and acceptance is very, very similar, if not the same, as the grief process. The grief process, as put together by Elizabeth Kubler Ross puts grief into 5 stages. They are not necessarily linear, although they can be, however, the stages are very real and I think it's a good model. The first stage is denial, followed by anger, then bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance.</p><p></p><p>No one chooses to be here, but we are here, so the journey for me has been to learn that acceptance. It's fleeting at times, it comes and goes, however, I've noticed that lately I am in a pretty good place a good amount of the time, the horrors I went through previously with my difficult child are thankfully, in the past. I wouldn't call it "learning to be so hard" that was not my reality, I had to learn to set boundaries against bad behavior and learn to make sure I am safe and free from stuff I didn't create and can't control, it didn't make me hard, it made me stronger, freer and much better at taking care of me. Oddly, what I learned about myself was healthy and ended up being important for my own healing and well being. </p><p></p><p>My daughter makes dangerous, bad choices too. I understand your anguish. The very best thing you can do is nurture yourself, take care of <strong>you</strong>, get as much support as you can, read books, join groups, get into therapy, keep posting here, go to 12 step meetings........<em>.do it all,</em> it takes a VILLAGE for us to change this...............but you can do it Blackgnat, you can, you can actually get beyond all the struggles, all the suffering and find new meaning in life, you can find peace, you can find joy, there <em>is life after our kids mess up their lives.</em> ..............hugs............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 599587, member: 13542"] Blackgnat, I hear you when you ask the questions of why? I understand the anger and the feeling of being ripped off of a "normal" relationship with our children...sigh........most of us probably feel much of that, or have. It's been mentioned here a number of times, but it does bear repeating, this process of detachment and acceptance is very, very similar, if not the same, as the grief process. The grief process, as put together by Elizabeth Kubler Ross puts grief into 5 stages. They are not necessarily linear, although they can be, however, the stages are very real and I think it's a good model. The first stage is denial, followed by anger, then bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. No one chooses to be here, but we are here, so the journey for me has been to learn that acceptance. It's fleeting at times, it comes and goes, however, I've noticed that lately I am in a pretty good place a good amount of the time, the horrors I went through previously with my difficult child are thankfully, in the past. I wouldn't call it "learning to be so hard" that was not my reality, I had to learn to set boundaries against bad behavior and learn to make sure I am safe and free from stuff I didn't create and can't control, it didn't make me hard, it made me stronger, freer and much better at taking care of me. Oddly, what I learned about myself was healthy and ended up being important for my own healing and well being. My daughter makes dangerous, bad choices too. I understand your anguish. The very best thing you can do is nurture yourself, take care of [B]you[/B], get as much support as you can, read books, join groups, get into therapy, keep posting here, go to 12 step meetings........[I].do it all,[/I] it takes a VILLAGE for us to change this...............but you can do it Blackgnat, you can, you can actually get beyond all the struggles, all the suffering and find new meaning in life, you can find peace, you can find joy, there [I]is life after our kids mess up their lives.[/I] ..............hugs............ [/QUOTE]
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