Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Update: The waters of de Nile are calm.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 655441" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Lil</p><p></p><p>We are beginning to believe that all of our little helping, to my son, is interpreted as soft and weak, and is just as damaging as helping in a big way; that there really are no shades of gray in this enterprise. We are moving towards tight boundaries.</p><p></p><p>With my son it is always, give an inch take a mile. The recent example is the trip to Costco to buy ONLY cans of mackerel and eggs MOM. I looked down at the cart and saw Wild Caught Salmon Fillets and saw the error of my ways...too late. (But the salmon was GONE out of that cart). I am coming to see that in our case it has to be 100 per cent, you are on your own, son.</p><p></p><p>Your son has known about those court costs. You have done 100 percent to prompt him to deal with them. That he would choose to put his welfare into the hands of that nice lady...is so sad and painful....but that in fact was his choice, not yours.</p><p></p><p>We did Job Corps when my son was 18. He hated it but did complete the program because this was the only condition under which he could come home. Looking back, I wished I had not let him come home. Those 3 extra years at home changed nothing, just reinforced negative behaviors.</p><p></p><p>I am now seeing that to have insisted on his going or staying (to Job Corps or anywhere else)...was not my call to make. My only call was about his staying in my home, the conditions, the extent and nature of our contact and help. It's their choice. If it is too strict, don't go. If it is worth it, you go. You decide. It's your life. Your consequences.</p><p></p><p>My son at any crossroads *usually when somebody has slammed the door in his face, expresses this lament, "I have lost everything, Mom. I have no more chances." But does he take responsibility for same? No. Unfortunately, people in his life have frequently relented...(including me) making the process more difficult for all.</p><p></p><p>He was rejected last week by the father of a long time friend...who told my son that never in his life will he change his mind...about allowing my son back in the circle of the family....and then relented 3 days later...resulting in my son deciding to move to that town (again.) Last night when he called I asked when he was thinking about leaving for there. His answer floored me.</p><p></p><p>He said he is not going this month because he has a lot of traveling he must do naming numerous remote locations in our state.</p><p></p><p>My son is a conspiracy theorist. He believes that recent world events are leading to an apocalypse (he mocks religion so the religious tone is interesting.) I did not ask questions, but it seems that he is now seeking to join a community of like minded souls to prepare for the end times. Not knowing what to say I used my Mother's oft used phrase, you know best and got off the phone.</p><p></p><p>I was filled with dread about the dangers of such thinking and actions --paramilitary types and how in his innocence he could be victimized. M was equally worried but more about my son's mouth. My son seeks to dominate a group with his mouth, and his oft used strategy is to call the police to rat. Great. M says, what end times group will accept him...he is lazy...messy and wants to be the boss?</p><p></p><p>I have spent the morning reading old threads about members' children who were in crisis--worse that what I am now facing.</p><p></p><p>I realize there is nothing I can do if he chooses to do such a stupid and dangerous thing...but I am torn about how to respond.</p><p></p><p>Cedar speaks about speaking the truth to our children. I am trying to come up with a way that voices my understanding of the potential dangers, but shows my faith that he can make good choices.</p><p></p><p>You and others have written about the momentary impulses of Difficult Child...that pass...So,to overreact to this latest scary plan...that may or may not pass...seems a mistake.</p><p></p><p>But I see him walking off a cliff. What's next? </p><p></p><p>These phone calls I cannot take anymore...they...so deplete me. I want the conversations to stop. I feel like telling him...let's have a time out for 2 months kind of like the old Deborah Kerr movie An Affair to Remember where the couple in the shipboard romance agrees to meet in 6 months...(and she gets hit by a car...)</p><p></p><p>I think I will only say to my son something like what follows:</p><p></p><p>I know that the traveling will be a big undertaking ...new people and places......with much to evaluate.. .and respond to...and potentially danger ...you know that I would not have made the choice...but respect your right to do so...and respect your commitment to take responsibility for the consequences whatever they will be...for your beliefs....my responses will not be helpful during this period...so let us talk in a month...I love you.</p><p></p><p>What do you think? Is it a cop out? Is it abandonment or detachment? Am I telling enough of the truth? Can I survive it? What is my alternative?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 655441, member: 18958"] Hi Lil We are beginning to believe that all of our little helping, to my son, is interpreted as soft and weak, and is just as damaging as helping in a big way; that there really are no shades of gray in this enterprise. We are moving towards tight boundaries. With my son it is always, give an inch take a mile. The recent example is the trip to Costco to buy ONLY cans of mackerel and eggs MOM. I looked down at the cart and saw Wild Caught Salmon Fillets and saw the error of my ways...too late. (But the salmon was GONE out of that cart). I am coming to see that in our case it has to be 100 per cent, you are on your own, son. Your son has known about those court costs. You have done 100 percent to prompt him to deal with them. That he would choose to put his welfare into the hands of that nice lady...is so sad and painful....but that in fact was his choice, not yours. We did Job Corps when my son was 18. He hated it but did complete the program because this was the only condition under which he could come home. Looking back, I wished I had not let him come home. Those 3 extra years at home changed nothing, just reinforced negative behaviors. I am now seeing that to have insisted on his going or staying (to Job Corps or anywhere else)...was not my call to make. My only call was about his staying in my home, the conditions, the extent and nature of our contact and help. It's their choice. If it is too strict, don't go. If it is worth it, you go. You decide. It's your life. Your consequences. My son at any crossroads *usually when somebody has slammed the door in his face, expresses this lament, "I have lost everything, Mom. I have no more chances." But does he take responsibility for same? No. Unfortunately, people in his life have frequently relented...(including me) making the process more difficult for all. He was rejected last week by the father of a long time friend...who told my son that never in his life will he change his mind...about allowing my son back in the circle of the family....and then relented 3 days later...resulting in my son deciding to move to that town (again.) Last night when he called I asked when he was thinking about leaving for there. His answer floored me. He said he is not going this month because he has a lot of traveling he must do naming numerous remote locations in our state. My son is a conspiracy theorist. He believes that recent world events are leading to an apocalypse (he mocks religion so the religious tone is interesting.) I did not ask questions, but it seems that he is now seeking to join a community of like minded souls to prepare for the end times. Not knowing what to say I used my Mother's oft used phrase, you know best and got off the phone. I was filled with dread about the dangers of such thinking and actions --paramilitary types and how in his innocence he could be victimized. M was equally worried but more about my son's mouth. My son seeks to dominate a group with his mouth, and his oft used strategy is to call the police to rat. Great. M says, what end times group will accept him...he is lazy...messy and wants to be the boss? I have spent the morning reading old threads about members' children who were in crisis--worse that what I am now facing. I realize there is nothing I can do if he chooses to do such a stupid and dangerous thing...but I am torn about how to respond. Cedar speaks about speaking the truth to our children. I am trying to come up with a way that voices my understanding of the potential dangers, but shows my faith that he can make good choices. You and others have written about the momentary impulses of Difficult Child...that pass...So,to overreact to this latest scary plan...that may or may not pass...seems a mistake. But I see him walking off a cliff. What's next? These phone calls I cannot take anymore...they...so deplete me. I want the conversations to stop. I feel like telling him...let's have a time out for 2 months kind of like the old Deborah Kerr movie An Affair to Remember where the couple in the shipboard romance agrees to meet in 6 months...(and she gets hit by a car...) I think I will only say to my son something like what follows: I know that the traveling will be a big undertaking ...new people and places......with much to evaluate.. .and respond to...and potentially danger ...you know that I would not have made the choice...but respect your right to do so...and respect your commitment to take responsibility for the consequences whatever they will be...for your beliefs....my responses will not be helpful during this period...so let us talk in a month...I love you. What do you think? Is it a cop out? Is it abandonment or detachment? Am I telling enough of the truth? Can I survive it? What is my alternative? [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Update: The waters of de Nile are calm.
Top