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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 86172" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p>DDD: </p><p></p><p>Even though he's crossed the line, what makes it really hard is that it hasn't been a constant dose of difficult child attitude. It would be easier on me and wife if he was just always evil, but instead he throws his bile at us in waves, kind of like a a stomach flu that never quite goes away. Eventually, it just wears you down.</p><p></p><p>But there are also times when I still see the kid I love. I got home late the other night, and came quietly up the stairs so as not to wake wife. When I got to the first landing on the stairs I could see McWeedy in my room. He was tucking her in to bed, and then gave her a kiss and left. I let him leave without seeing me.</p><p></p><p>When I went in, I realized that she was already asleep. It's almost like he couldn't possibly <strong>tell or show</strong> her that he loved her, but felt compelled to demonstrate his love, if only in secret. </p><p></p><p>And yet, this is the same kid that completely "dissed" her on Mothers day by going out and getting stoned when she <strong>begged</strong> him not to - she only wanted one sober day with him for Mother's day. But he still snuck out, got stoned, and then didn't show when it was time to take her to dinner. She called him to try and get him to go with us; long story short - the call ended with him telling her that he'd rather be stoned and hang out with his stoner buddies than give her one good day and 4 hours of his time on Mother's Day.</p><p></p><p>That evening, I would have killed him if I could have found him. Well, not really, but his arm might have needed a cast. There have been waves of that kind of behavior, interspersed with the occasional kindness when he thinks we don't see him. I know his psychiatric says it isn't intentional, that it's just the way an addict functions. But it FEELS intentional, and I've tried to explain to him how much it hurts. </p><p> :hammer:I might as well try and explain calculus to a snail, for all the good it did me.</p><p></p><p>I can understand him trying to hurt me. After all, I'm the bad guy trying to kick him out. But to disrespect and hurt his mother that way? Repeatedly? And then not understand when I've had enough of his horse-puckey and tell him it's time to find his own life? Blech!</p><p></p><p>I think that most of my anger stems from his cruddy treatment of the woman I love, and her continued devotion to him even to the point of threatening our marriage. It's hard - damn hard - not to hate someone for doing that, even your own child and despite his being an addict. But I try. I'm not very hopeful, though, and I feel that the darkest part of this journey has yet to be travelled.</p><p></p><p>They say God works miracles. Maybe so, but I think He'll need to whip up a double-strength miracle delivered by St. Peter himself to keep things from spiralling off the tracks. </p><p></p><p>I guess it could happen, though. So here's to miracles, and those that believe in them. I'll try to be one, or at least <em>"act as if"</em> I do. </p><p></p><p> :angel:</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 86172, member: 3579"] DDD: Even though he's crossed the line, what makes it really hard is that it hasn't been a constant dose of difficult child attitude. It would be easier on me and wife if he was just always evil, but instead he throws his bile at us in waves, kind of like a a stomach flu that never quite goes away. Eventually, it just wears you down. But there are also times when I still see the kid I love. I got home late the other night, and came quietly up the stairs so as not to wake wife. When I got to the first landing on the stairs I could see McWeedy in my room. He was tucking her in to bed, and then gave her a kiss and left. I let him leave without seeing me. When I went in, I realized that she was already asleep. It's almost like he couldn't possibly [b]tell or show[/b] her that he loved her, but felt compelled to demonstrate his love, if only in secret. And yet, this is the same kid that completely "dissed" her on Mothers day by going out and getting stoned when she [b]begged[/b] him not to - she only wanted one sober day with him for Mother's day. But he still snuck out, got stoned, and then didn't show when it was time to take her to dinner. She called him to try and get him to go with us; long story short - the call ended with him telling her that he'd rather be stoned and hang out with his stoner buddies than give her one good day and 4 hours of his time on Mother's Day. That evening, I would have killed him if I could have found him. Well, not really, but his arm might have needed a cast. There have been waves of that kind of behavior, interspersed with the occasional kindness when he thinks we don't see him. I know his psychiatric says it isn't intentional, that it's just the way an addict functions. But it FEELS intentional, and I've tried to explain to him how much it hurts. [img]:hammer:[/img]I might as well try and explain calculus to a snail, for all the good it did me. I can understand him trying to hurt me. After all, I'm the bad guy trying to kick him out. But to disrespect and hurt his mother that way? Repeatedly? And then not understand when I've had enough of his horse-puckey and tell him it's time to find his own life? Blech! I think that most of my anger stems from his cruddy treatment of the woman I love, and her continued devotion to him even to the point of threatening our marriage. It's hard - damn hard - not to hate someone for doing that, even your own child and despite his being an addict. But I try. I'm not very hopeful, though, and I feel that the darkest part of this journey has yet to be travelled. They say God works miracles. Maybe so, but I think He'll need to whip up a double-strength miracle delivered by St. Peter himself to keep things from spiralling off the tracks. I guess it could happen, though. So here's to miracles, and those that believe in them. I'll try to be one, or at least [i]"act as if"[/i] I do. [img]:angel:[/img] Mikey [/QUOTE]
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