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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 615406" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>I know what you mean by surface and deep anger. I too am less angry,less despairing deep in my soul, all night long and all day long. I do still have surprising surface anger...that is a reversal, I used to carry it deep in me and not show it. Now I feel OK or even well much or even most of the time.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child is still in jail. I did not post bail and won't. When he calls me it is clearly because he wants to know if I'll post bail, and because he hopes I can be a conduit to his girlfriend. Those are his only concerns. He doesn't care about talking with me, although he pretends to as soon as he hears I haven't And that is when the surface anger flashes...even in short conversations I can't be gently supportive or nonjudgemental. He worries that he just disappeared and his girlfriend must be scared and worried about him. I tell him that she knows where I live and has not contacted me to tell me he has been missing for 10 days, or to see if I know where he is. He worries that he can't reach her (no phone, no address....unless "under the bridge" is an address) and that she can't reach him (no phone, address forwarded to "jail" from "under the bridge"--haha, that was a joke). I tell him that to be a good partner you have to be a person who is reachable..have a place where you live, have a phone. That he disappeared off the street because he is a person who has chosen a life and path where that will predictably happen. I say it in a harsh and clear way. Because that is where my surface anger is. But it doesn't feel as bad or devouring as the old deep anger. </p><p></p><p>This is progress. and it is all a process.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 615406, member: 17269"] I know what you mean by surface and deep anger. I too am less angry,less despairing deep in my soul, all night long and all day long. I do still have surprising surface anger...that is a reversal, I used to carry it deep in me and not show it. Now I feel OK or even well much or even most of the time. My difficult child is still in jail. I did not post bail and won't. When he calls me it is clearly because he wants to know if I'll post bail, and because he hopes I can be a conduit to his girlfriend. Those are his only concerns. He doesn't care about talking with me, although he pretends to as soon as he hears I haven't And that is when the surface anger flashes...even in short conversations I can't be gently supportive or nonjudgemental. He worries that he just disappeared and his girlfriend must be scared and worried about him. I tell him that she knows where I live and has not contacted me to tell me he has been missing for 10 days, or to see if I know where he is. He worries that he can't reach her (no phone, no address....unless "under the bridge" is an address) and that she can't reach him (no phone, address forwarded to "jail" from "under the bridge"--haha, that was a joke). I tell him that to be a good partner you have to be a person who is reachable..have a place where you live, have a phone. That he disappeared off the street because he is a person who has chosen a life and path where that will predictably happen. I say it in a harsh and clear way. Because that is where my surface anger is. But it doesn't feel as bad or devouring as the old deep anger. This is progress. and it is all a process. [/QUOTE]
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