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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 615482" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Cedar, Recovering,</p><p></p><p>I am ready to ride along with you two too. It took my difficult child turning 18 and slipping out of my control, but I can see now how much I too, manipulated and controlled, to an unnecessary and toxic degree...not only my difficult child but my ex-husband and PCs. I thought they were all incompetent and they would fall apart if I didn't control everything for them (I know...I've read codependent no more too!). It has been a relief to them and to me to recognize that, and 90% of it stopped in the recognizing. Dancing in the light of my own wonderfulness...I love that. It was so wrong, but so comforting for me.</p><p></p><p>There is the other related category of doing something for some one that they didn't ask for and didn't really want or need and somehow expecting them to appreciate it or be grateful...and eventually wearing oneself out by doing those unasked for tasks. It is robotic, actions for the sake of actions. to be seen as giving "doing something for some one to notice", and is just a burden to those around you.</p><p></p><p>My ex used to give me gifts that had nothing to do with who I was. They were often a little expensive (we were not big VACATION AND JEWELRY people, so not extravagant), but just off step with who I was or what I would like. Sometimes I would later give or throw them away , and he would be like "but I gave that to you". It used to make me smoulder...you gave them to ME? really? who am I? I don't think you know. </p><p></p><p>So through that experience I can connect with how people around me feel when I do do do when really they want to lead their own lives, at their own pace, and make their own mistakes. I'm better at letting them do that now. Even my difficult child. It is a heady , freeing feeling. I'm in for the ride.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 615482, member: 17269"] Cedar, Recovering, I am ready to ride along with you two too. It took my difficult child turning 18 and slipping out of my control, but I can see now how much I too, manipulated and controlled, to an unnecessary and toxic degree...not only my difficult child but my ex-husband and PCs. I thought they were all incompetent and they would fall apart if I didn't control everything for them (I know...I've read codependent no more too!). It has been a relief to them and to me to recognize that, and 90% of it stopped in the recognizing. Dancing in the light of my own wonderfulness...I love that. It was so wrong, but so comforting for me. There is the other related category of doing something for some one that they didn't ask for and didn't really want or need and somehow expecting them to appreciate it or be grateful...and eventually wearing oneself out by doing those unasked for tasks. It is robotic, actions for the sake of actions. to be seen as giving "doing something for some one to notice", and is just a burden to those around you. My ex used to give me gifts that had nothing to do with who I was. They were often a little expensive (we were not big VACATION AND JEWELRY people, so not extravagant), but just off step with who I was or what I would like. Sometimes I would later give or throw them away , and he would be like "but I gave that to you". It used to make me smoulder...you gave them to ME? really? who am I? I don't think you know. So through that experience I can connect with how people around me feel when I do do do when really they want to lead their own lives, at their own pace, and make their own mistakes. I'm better at letting them do that now. Even my difficult child. It is a heady , freeing feeling. I'm in for the ride. [/QUOTE]
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