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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748639" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think the story of this mother who has done everything to save her son followed by the one two punch about the dead son affected each of us in similar ways, New Leaf.</p><p></p><p>And I think we have fallen into holes like our children have. In both of our cases we have lost a loved one, under difficult circumstances. I think both of us felt we should have done more, and may even have been reproached with this by others. Each of us lost important people where the relationships had become difficult or not enough, or had always been that way. And on top of this our children kept falling and falling.</p><p></p><p>And the end result was that we ended up breaking down too, losing ourselves in the endless pain and conflict. We had fallen into pits too.</p><p></p><p></p><p>So we are in ditches now. The question to me is what do we need to do for us? </p><p></p><p>We can love our children, but the task at hand is to realize we are in our own holes and need to dig ourselves out.</p><p></p><p>I went to an AA meeting today. I go because I don't know what else to do. I've convinced myself I am an alcoholic, when I am not. For years I've had a glass of wine a couple of times a month at restaurants. That's it. So I stopped that, and began to call myself an alcoholic. Nobody at all is convinced I'm an alcoholic. Not me. Not the other members who are all of them kind to me. But go to the meetings, I do.</p><p></p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">You see. I go because I don't know how to climb out of the hole that I have found myself in since my mother's death. And the suffering with my son. Everything I was, and did in my life has not worked to get me out of this hole. My mother is in a real hole now from which she will never leave, called a grave. My son is in another kind. And I am in my own kind.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Leafy. I think we are in the same hole. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">A woman at the meeting said this: <em>every day is a new day. Why would you feel that anything else in your past way of living would have prepared you to face what today brings? Instead of reacting to the feeling of despair, and brokenness it is to lean into it, to define ourselves by it, from it.</em></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I believe that what we feel right now is purely about us. We may put our children's names on it but that is an afterthought. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">By drawing a line and not permitting your two to hurt you further was a strong, responsible and kind thing. To them. No loving parent should allow their child to degrade them. You were not wrong to do this.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I agree with everything you have wrote. But I agree with recovering too. Recovering supported her child but she did not let her child hurt her, and she did not help her child hurt herself.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">You did nothing wrong. This is not your crime. Nothing you can do can fix them. You know this. But they can fix themselves. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">We are sad now and depleted. This is something internal to us. I think now is time for healing. </span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748639, member: 18958"] I think the story of this mother who has done everything to save her son followed by the one two punch about the dead son affected each of us in similar ways, New Leaf. And I think we have fallen into holes like our children have. In both of our cases we have lost a loved one, under difficult circumstances. I think both of us felt we should have done more, and may even have been reproached with this by others. Each of us lost important people where the relationships had become difficult or not enough, or had always been that way. And on top of this our children kept falling and falling. And the end result was that we ended up breaking down too, losing ourselves in the endless pain and conflict. We had fallen into pits too. So we are in ditches now. The question to me is what do we need to do for us? We can love our children, but the task at hand is to realize we are in our own holes and need to dig ourselves out. I went to an AA meeting today. I go because I don't know what else to do. I've convinced myself I am an alcoholic, when I am not. For years I've had a glass of wine a couple of times a month at restaurants. That's it. So I stopped that, and began to call myself an alcoholic. Nobody at all is convinced I'm an alcoholic. Not me. Not the other members who are all of them kind to me. But go to the meetings, I do. [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]You see. I go because I don't know how to climb out of the hole that I have found myself in since my mother's death. And the suffering with my son. Everything I was, and did in my life has not worked to get me out of this hole. My mother is in a real hole now from which she will never leave, called a grave. My son is in another kind. And I am in my own kind. Leafy. I think we are in the same hole. A woman at the meeting said this: [I]every day is a new day. Why would you feel that anything else in your past way of living would have prepared you to face what today brings? Instead of reacting to the feeling of despair, and brokenness it is to lean into it, to define ourselves by it, from it.[/I] I believe that what we feel right now is purely about us. We may put our children's names on it but that is an afterthought. By drawing a line and not permitting your two to hurt you further was a strong, responsible and kind thing. To them. No loving parent should allow their child to degrade them. You were not wrong to do this. I agree with everything you have wrote. But I agree with recovering too. Recovering supported her child but she did not let her child hurt her, and she did not help her child hurt herself. You did nothing wrong. This is not your crime. Nothing you can do can fix them. You know this. But they can fix themselves. We are sad now and depleted. This is something internal to us. I think now is time for healing. [/COLOR][/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
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